For a Happy Marriage: Look Higher
A secret to a happy marriage: don’t look to your spouse to make you happy… instead, look Higher.. Excerpted and adapted from Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn Copyright © 2013 by Shaunti Feldhahn. Excerpted by permission of Multnomah Books, a division of Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
A few years back when I was interviewing young people for For Parents Only, I stumbled on something I didn’t quite expect. The happiest kids weren’t those whose parents prioritized the kids above everything else, making their whole lives revolve around them. Instead, the happiest kids seemed to be those who knew their parents loved and cared for them but who could tell that Mom and Dad prioritized the family unit and their marriage even more. Even the most independent-minded teen felt more secure when they knew their parents were looking higher than at whatever their child wanted at that moment. Secretly, children were a lot happier when they knew that someone older and wiser was in charge.
In this current project, I found a fascinating parallel among the happiest couples. You might think that the happiest spouses placed their marriages or each other above everything else. But—counter intuitive as it might seem—that often was not the case at all. They, too, looked higher—ordering their homes and relationships around a transcendent priority. And as a result they, too, were more secure and happy.
Listen in on a representative conversation with one happy couple, married forty-three years, that I interrupted and interviewed as they shared hot dogs at an airport:
Me: If people ask “What’s your secret?” what do you tell them?
Him: Put her first, and hug her.
Me: Aw, that is sweet.
Her: Well, actually…I know he’ll agree with this too…but that’s not the real secret. The real secret is Jesus Christ. Putting Him at the center of our marriage.
Him: Yes, it really is. He gives us the ability to love each other, put each other first, and stick with it, even when we haven’t wanted to.
Even though I interviewed hundreds of people outside of church-related venues—many of whom, statistically speaking, might not believe in God—the randomly encountered happy couples I spoke to kept bringing Him up. It didn’t matter whether I was in an urban subway station in Newark or an upscale coffee shop in Omaha; whether I was talking to an elderly white pair or a young African American couple. Although it certainly didn’t happen with everyone, more often than not, the happiest spouses mentioned the vital importance of faith in God to their marriages.
The happiest spouses mentioned the vital importance of faith in God to their marriages.
Relying on Him gave them the security of knowing that Someone higher than themselves was in control—Someone on whom they each could rely on for the selflessness needed to “put the other person first” and create a great marriage. Not only that, but the knowledge that their spouses were looking to God for fulfillment—rather than to them—took the pressure off of trying to provide something that, in the end, only God can really provide.
Now, I know that not all readers will relate to the spirituality many couples mentioned. If that is the case for you, please don’t feel excluded. After all, many couples I interviewed who weren’t people of faith were also wonderfully happy. Still…many demographers and sociologists have found that those who share a belief in God and regularly worship together are statistically more likely to be happy in their marriages, and that trend was apparent in my research as well.
At this Christmas season, no matter where you are in your journey of faith, take this chance to take the pressure off your husband or wife. And instead stand side by side with your spouse … and come before the One who came to us as a baby 2,000 years ago.
I totally agree that God is in the center of our marriage. We are unbelievably happily married.
I would have to agree. I spent the first decade of my marriage trying to do it on my own. Needless, to say that didn’t work to well. When God truly entered my heart great things happened. Our marriage has improved greatly and grown stronger.
I so agree. Putting God first in our marriage has really been awesome over the last 30 years. The kiddos, (now 29 and 26) have seen this and understand the full impact. I love getting your emails and re-reading your books. Thanks so much for all you both have done for so many.
After reading your latest email, I forwarded it to my wife with this note:
Did you see this? Read under the heading “For a Happy Marriage: Look Higher”. I was planning on buying her book “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference” as soon as it came out, but this segment of her email inspired me to Preorder her book via Nook. Something I’ve NEVER even considered doing.
Shaunti, thanks for your time, research and passion, Tom Shanahan.
I agree… in a marriage, having 2 sinners walk toward Christ, getting stronger in Him daily is the key to a happy marriage. When we look to Christ to transform our spouse instead of our nagging, bossing and demanding real transformation occurs and the house is happy. Who wants to be married to a nag? No one.
True peace. Shalom. Happens when we lay our spouse before the Lord, and love them by praying for them daily. The home needs to be a haven, a resting place from this hard world. I pray that I create a haven home for my spouse and children. I long for my family to run home so they can rest in a place they feel Jesus, a Christ-centered house that is full of grace.
I wish I would have had this information 40 years ago and the maturity of my spouse and myself to put God first and have him be a part of everything we did.
I agree 100% that a strong marriage relies on trusting Jesus.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
If we put God first in the marriage we can withstand anything that comes are way. Trust me, I have been married for 25 1/2 years and if it weren’t for my trust in Jesus, my marriage would of been part of the divorce satistics. I refused to allow that to happen. So here we are 25 1/2 years later. We are so in love with each other. I wouldn’t have any other way!
Hi Shaunti, I was the leader of our church family ministry for 5 years and often relied on your books for their honesty and insight. It has been my experience over and over again that a mature faith in God is the number one secret to being able to build a happy marriage. Congratulations on your new book. Jim Stephens, Columbia, MD
I could not agree more! God is at the center of each marriage. We have a wonderful marriage because we believe this and our five children know that He is the centre of our family.
I totally agree, Christ has to be the center of a marriage and that spouses have to focus on each other. You raise your children for approximately 18 years helping them to become successful contributing adults but prayerfully your have your spouse for many more years after. I believe a couple that makes their marriage a priority raise more secure children.
We will be married for 35 years in Feb 2014. We grew up together. I met her when I was 12 and married her when I was 19. No secret. Just have God in your life and believe.
My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship and I look forward most to being able to go to church together. I also realize that I need God more than him, and only he can complete me. We are a work in progress, please pray for he and I. We aren’t married yet but I can’t wait to read this book as a pre marital tool. Thanks Shaunti in advance for another great book. May God continue to bless you.
It’s so true! When you put Him first you never go wrong. Love this!
I’m looking forward to this book coming out. In a class I teach I have a unit on marriage and I’m looking forward to putting some stats from this book in the unit. I’m also excited to see how to apply these tips in my own married life.
When you desire to honor and please God, you take the commitment made to your spouse before God in your marriage ceremony seriously. That commitment has blessed my husband and I – and our children – through 30 years of marriage.
I can’t wait to get this book. I love the statistically based insight!
I can’t wait to get this book.
I loved For Women Only. It gave me a lot of insight.
I expect to get a lot more, from this book.
Putting God first is the secret, but when there is an unequally yoked couple, it can become such a struggle that even the Christian begans to question why putting God first isn’t working.
I totally agree! In fact, the opposite is also true: When we lose focus on God our marriage shows far less resilience.