Introduction
Welcome to the Understanding Him.
Additional Resources:
Download the Course Extras
Click or tap the image below to download the ZIP file to your device. The course audio files can be found alongside each module and video throughout the course.
Or, if you are on a mobile device, download the files separately by tapping on the links below.
- Understanding Him Workbook (PDF — UPDATED 6/23, electronically fillable version)
- Understanding Him Jump Start Journal (PDF)
- Understanding Him Commitment Printable (PDF)
- Understanding Him Commitment Reminder Cards Printable (PDF)
- Understanding Him as a Dad eBook (PDF)
- Crisis and Couples eBook (PDF)
To view and print these files, you will need Adobe Reader or a compatible program. Get Adobe Acrobat Reader here.
Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace.
Shaunti’s books (including several with husband, Jeff) are known for their aha moments and relationship transformations! These groundbreaking research-based books, including For Women Only, The Kindness Challenge, and most recently, Thriving in Love & Money have sold more than 3 million copies in 25 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.
Shaunti’s The 30-Day Kindness Challenge has been completed by thousands of individuals. It has been led by numerous churches and other prominent organizations and civic groups and continues to transform relationships in just 30 days through kindness.
Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Family Life, Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. Shaunti speaks at both live and virtual events in the U.S. and around the world. She and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their daughter, son, and two cats who think they are dogs.
Module 1: Include His Differences
Module 1: Include His Differences
Why you need this, why you’re here, and what you’ll get!
In your notebook or journal, answer the following: What do you hope to get out of Understanding Him?
Proverbs 24:3-4 “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” (Emphasis added)
Module 1: Include His Differences
View this video before completing your first Action Map located at the end of the Module 1 section of the Understanding Him Course Workbook.
Module 1: Include His Differences
Your next step is to know how YOU should USE this course—you, in particular.
Additional Resources:
- Shaunti.com/blog
- Book: For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn
Module 1: Include His Differences
The final factor for how to use this course well is to confront whether you have any of three common wrong assumptions about men and relationships.
Module 1: Include His Differences
How much is nurture vs. nature?
Additional Resource:
If you want to see a good response to some of the claims against gender differences, here’s an article by one eminent neuroscientist which itself references some other good articles and studies as well.
Article: Denying the Neuroscience of Sex Differences – Larry Cahill
Module 1: Include His Differences
Should you tell him you are going through this course?
Module 1: Include His Differences
Are you willing to change your mind if there are any areas that need to be changed?
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
I’m going to share something you may find hard to believe.
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
Men and women have two very different sets of primary insecurities.
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
The way men look on the outside is very different from how they feel about themselves on the inside
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
If a man feels this sense of vulnerability, what does that mean for what he needs, emotionally? Does it say something about his needs?
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
We need to know how to avoid the negative signal that hits that raw nerve.
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
Now that we know how to avoid the negative message, how do we send the positive message?
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
Addressing two of the most common objections or skepticism about everything I just told you.
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
We will be doing something that does NOT come naturally to many of us.
Module 2: Nurture His Vulnerability
Let’s wrap-up this section of the course!
Additional Resources:
Module 3: Speak His Language
Module 3: Speak His Language
There are some common differences in how men and women process and convey thoughts and emotions
Module 3: Speak His Language
He probably has to process internally before he can talk externally.
In your workbook or journal, answer the following:
- In your relationship, what kind of processor is your man? What kind of processor are you? If you have a mismatch, no matter which of you is which, put yourself in his shoes for a moment and consider how he might feel when you approach him in your way. What would he be thinking in those situations?
- If you both are similar in how you process, what might be the advantage of that and what might be the disadvantage?
Module 3: Speak His Language
His processing takes time.
Stop and consider the following: Why can it be so hard to give our man the time he needs to process things? Journal or record your answer in the workbook.
Module 3: Speak His Language
Here’s one of the biggest wrong assumptions at the source of the most frustration in relationships.
Is there something right now that your husband does, or that a colleague has recently decided, that still seems weird or crazy to you? Write that down in your journal or workbook.
Module 3: Speak His Language
In times of conflict, he needs space.
Module 3: Speak His Language
Simply said: get to the point! Stating the conclusion up front helps him listen
Module 3: Speak His Language
All of us more likely to move toward being happier as a result of this understanding and seeing how to approach our man before we ever say a word.
Module 4: ILLUMINATE HIS CONTRIBUTION
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
These may sound like stereotypical statements and yet there is real truth behind the stereotypes
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
His desire to make you happy—and see that he has made you happy—goes very deep
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
He has a compulsion and desire to provide, even if you make more than enough to support the family
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
He subconsciously believes you want and need what he is providing, more than you want and need him.
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
So with all that we just learned, what do we do if the man in our life is not providing financially?
Additional Resource:
Thriving in Love & Money – Take the free assessment!
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
He wants to protect you. The kids. Those who are more vulnerable than he is. Those who cannot protect themselves.
Module 4: Illuminate His Contribution
There’s another phrase that matters a lot to him: “I’m so proud of you.”
Module 5: DISCOVER HIS DESIRES
Module 5: Discover His Desires
You knew in any conversation about men, we would get to the topic of sex eventually!
Module 5: Discover His Desires
Misunderstanding #1: We misunderstand what physical intimacy means to him
Module 5: Discover His Desires
Misunderstanding #2: We misunderstand how vulnerable he is.
Module 5: Discover His Desires
Misunderstanding #3: He misunderstands how we are wired—and so do we!
Module 5: Discover His Desires
We’ll cover two objections or concerns that are somewhat common among women who may be in a more hurting place or a more shaky relationship.
Module 5: Discover His Desires
What do we do if we find ourselves in the position of thinking, “I just don’t feel like it!”?
For your GAP time, answer the following question:
- If you have receptive desire, and don’t generally think about sex during the day (or don’t anticipate it, anyway!), what would work for you and your situation to get yourself thinking about it?
Brainstorm some ideas about what might work for you before moving on to the next section
Module 5: Discover His Desires
You may sometimes feel a bit like you don’t fit into all the discussions about sex, but you are not alone.
Additional Resources:
J. Parker founded the Holy, Hot and Humorous podcast and has a community for Higher Desire Wives. She shared this article with my readers that you might find helpful: When She Wants Sex More Than He Does.
Dr. Michael Sytsma’s detailed three-part blog series: “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.” Dr. Sytsma is an internationally recognized sex therapist and brings an important overview of this topic.
I highly recommend his organization for specialized help – Building Intimate Marriages.
Module 5: Discover His Desires
Sex is a mutual experience, and it is difficult to truly “click” in that area if both people are operating under MISunderstandings about women’s physiology.
Module 5: EMBRACE HIS HEART
I think one of the reasons men say “We’re simple!” is that they know that simple things really do have a profound impact on them
Module 6: Embrace His Heart
Heart Truth #1: Even when it feels like he doesn’t care, he does.
Additional Resource:
- The 30-Day Kindness Challenge – 30 days of prompts to improve your relationships through intentional kindness!
Heart Truth #2: He enjoys being with you more than anyone else—and even enjoys romance!
This new mindset might present a great opportunity for you to join in a part of his life that you might have missed before and realize what he sees as a romantic time with you.
Heart Truth #3: He loves you more than he can express.
Whether your relationship is great or shaky, everyone has some good and positive experiences along the way. In your workbook or journal, answer the following: What is it that your man does that signals how much he loves you?
If you have a hard time thinking of something, one step might be to do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and then in about 6 or 7 days, return to this question.
Module 6: Embrace His Heart
I said back near the very beginning of this course, if you don’t believe me about all this, don’t believe me. Try it.
COURSE WRAP UP
Course Wrap Up
Has Understanding Him been transformational in your relationship? If so, we would love it if you help spread the word to others!
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