How to take power away from the bad thoughts about your mate – and power up the good ones!

How to take power away from the bad thoughts about your mate– and power up the good ones!

Many of you are doing the 30 Day Kindness Challenge right now, and wrestling with this problem: you’re trying to stop yourself focusing on the negative things that are driving you crazy about your mate, and focus on the positive ones instead.  But you don’t know how to do that.

And you’re not alone! I’ve had the same conversations at many events the last few months.  I was recently speaking at a women’s event, explaining how to build a great relationship with men by recognizing how much self-doubt a man secretly carries (“Am I any good as a husband or father?”), and thus how powerful it is when his wife or girlfriend respects and appreciates him.  But how do respect him, some women understandably wondered, when all you can see are the bad things?  When you certainly don’t feel respect?

A few weeks earlier, Jeff and I were speaking at a men’s event. “Yes, I know my wife needs me to listen, to show her love, to be gentle and caring,” a man asked, “But she is angry and critical and it makes it really hard for me to feel loving toward her right now.”

How do we stop ourselves from focusing on the annoyance and negativity, when those concerns are so real?  How do we address the concern and yet not get stuck on it?  Do we just try to force ourselves to “not think about it?”

I recently interviewed Dr. Michael Sytsma, a nationally-respected therapist who also has a fascinating specialty in sex therapy and helping couples recover from the impacts of porn use, sexual addiction and the like.   Although we were primarily focused on some insight for my next book, he provided a tip that I thought would be helpful for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge – and anyone else who is trying to change how they think about their spouse.  So I didn’t want to wait for the book to share it!

Here’s the gist of what he said:

We’re told in the Bible and in a lot of the psychological research to “take captive” certain negative or harmful thoughts.  The problem is that when you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try to NOT to focus on something the more power you give to it.

For example, I look at the couple who is dealing with an affair.  Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive – because then it becomes hard to not think about it.  It is like trying to not think about the pink elephant in the room.

I get this across by saying, “Do not imagine the pink elephant.  Do not think about its pink skin, or its wrinkly side or big ears.  Do not think about its big, pink feet.”  And the couple always chuckles, because now they are thinking more about it.

So how do you NOT think about it?  Well, you could distract your thoughts, and think about a purple alligator instead.  And that distraction can be a good start. But it only partially works.

Instead, I tell the couple: when we want to think about the pink elephant in the corner of the room, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savannah instead?  Something healthy, functioning the way it is supposed to be, where it is supposed to be.  Picture the grey African elephant walking across the grassland.  Hear its footfall.  Feel the thud through the earth as it makes its way.  Hear the grass whispering against its side as it passes, walking down toward the river, maybe with a baby tagging along behind.

I ask the couple: Can you see it?  And they always say yes.

Then I ask, “Now, where is the pink elephant?”  It’s gone.

Can I picture that pink elephant again if I want to?  Yes.  It may be there in the back of my mind.  That concern may still be there.  But it doesn’t have the same power anymore.

The Bible talks about setting your affection on things above, not earthly things.  If you do that, if you think about what is pure and lovely and admirable, it is a lot easier to not think about the negative.

So suppose you have a wife who is afraid her husband doesn’t love her, because he doesn’t really say loving things.  Perhaps he is more distant.  Maybe he comes home and sits in front of the television every evening and doesn’t talk much.  Or maybe he works a lot.  She’s worried.  So it is easy for her to think of her fear.  But that is the pink elephant.

What is the grey elephant?  What is that which is lovely and true?  What would be setting her mind on things above?  She can tell herself, “I may feel unloved, but I know my husband loves me.  He hasn’t figured out how to do it well yet.  But I can remind myself that he did this good thing and said that good thing.  He wants to do better.  And I know he loves me and he has a good heart.”

This works.  When I do this in a workshop, couples experience it profoundly. Those negative thoughts – the pink elephant stuff — is in the back of my mind but it doesn’t have power anymore.  The more you fought against it the more power you gave it.  But when you think on things above, it doesn’t have power anymore.

So let me encourage you who are doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge – or are simply trying to avoid get stuck in a negative loop: set your mind on things above.  Find that one thing each day you can praise about your mate, and tell him or her.  And if you don’t feel kindly toward your partner, treat them kindly anyway.  Do the right thing, regardless.  And thankfully, as we found in the research with the happiest couples, for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages you’ll find your feelings will follow.