Your Wife Just Wants to Be With You
Marriage Month Tip Of The Day: Your Wife Just Wants to Be With You
I met a woman recently named Anna. For years now, she has been talking about how great it would be for the family to rent a nice cottage at a beach resort for a week. For her birthday, her husband surprised her with reservations for fall break. Anna was so excited – until she learned that her husband agreed to take an extra shift at work all summer to pay for it. Now, she’s really bummed that he’s going to miss months of family time while the kids are out of school. Her husband is angry and confused, wondering why she doesn’t seem to appreciate something that she said she wanted, and which he is working so hard to give her.
So guys, can you relate? I’ll bet at some point or another you have felt the same way! Maybe it wasn’t a special week at the beach, but you still felt caught between a rock and a hard place. Like, She says she wishes we had new carpet in the living room, but she also says she wants me around more…but money doesn’t grow on trees!
What’s happening here? Why does your wife react this way to your attempts to make her happy and show her how much you care?
The problem is: these are often cases where you are working so hard to give her something that may not actually be what she most wanted.
Take Anna’s beach week. The idea of staying at a fantastic resort, reading a book on a beach chair, listening to the music of the waves breaking under a blue sky… yes, that is a thrilling fantasy.
And yes, when your wife is dreaming out loud – whether about the beach week or the new carpet – she sure loves the idea. And it is wonderful that you want to provide that for her! But the reality of what it takes to get to that fantasy – at least right now — may not be worth it in her mind.
See, I know it may seem odd to you as a guy who wants to provide nice things for your wife… but what she most wants is you. Your time, your presence, your ability to hang out with the kids and her. And if that dream of the new “stuff” means you’ll have to be gone lots of extra hours to pay for it – especially during the summer, which is usually the time the family can hang out more! – most women would trade off the “stuff” in a heartbeat.
In Anna’s case, for example, although it was wonderful that her husband wanted to provide something special – and was willing to sacrifice to do it — Anna was thinking, But what good is renting a cottage if he has to be away from us so much to get it? What good is going on vacation, if he is too overworked and exhausted to have fun with the family?
See, guys, we love you first and foremost, and want you to enjoy life too!
You may not believe all this, but it really is true. In my For Men Only research, I learned that most wives would gladly give up material things, dream vacations, the new carpet, car or clothes, to have their man around more often. In fact, the need for emotional security and closeness is so important, that seven out of ten married women said they would even endure financial hardship, if that was what it took to ensure he was not gone all the time, and the family was close.
I advised Anna to sit down with her husband and have a friendly, open conversation. Hopefully, both she and her husband can set aside the I-Don’t-Know-What-You-Want-From-Me feelings, and just ask each other, “What is our priority for our family?” and “Would you truly rather have me around more this summer? Or would you truly rather have the week at the beach, and me be gone a lot more while I’m working to pay for it?”
If you’re feeling overworked and underappreciated, why don’t you do the same thing? Maybe you, like Anna’s husband, are working extra hours for something that is nice but may not be the priority you thought it was. Or maybe you’re grimly sticking with a job you don’t really like, that takes you away from the family a lot, but you’re doing it to provide a nice standard of living. Talk to your wife about it. Be willing to hear her if she has been trying to express that she would gladly cut back on family expenses to have you take a more family-friendly job.
It is likely that although you have been willing to exhaust yourself and sacrifice the time with the family to provide nice things, that what your wife most wants you to provide – what she truly, honestly most wants – is time with you.
Join us tomorrow to learn what every woman needs to know about what sex means to men.
Drawn from Chapter 5 of For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage (now through June 30, buy a copy of Good News from your favorite retailer, and receive an additional copy FREE from Multnomah Books – up to 100 copies!). A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)
Image credit: “Sunday Afternoon at the Beach” by Michael Bentley is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
Welcome to Marriage Month! From June 5 to July 4, join us here in the Christian Post Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other –and which change everything once we do.