Filling the Emotional Bank Account: The need for emotional closeness before physical closeness
So, guys, you’ve just had a big fight with your wife and now you’re ready to cool off and mend the relationship. What better way to make up than to spend a little intimate time together, right?
Just one little problem, though: physical intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. What’s the deal?
For a woman, physical intimacy isn’t usually the solution to a problem, but rather, evidence that the problem has been resolved. In fact, rather than bridging the gap of emotional distance, it can actually make the problem worse. While physical intimacy helps a man to feel close to his wife, women are just the opposite. Women have to feel close in order to want to be intimate.
Through researching my book For Women Only, I began to understand that physical intimacy plays a huge role in how men feel about themselves. But when my husband Jeff and I surveyed thousands of women for our book For Men Only, we found that a woman’s desire is directly tied into the way her husband treats her. Her body’s ability to respond to you physically is tied to how she feels about you emotionally.
In other words, if your wife is feeling distanced from you emotionally – if you haven’t been talking much, or if you two are at odds – her body probably won’t be able to respond to you. So even though you may greatly desire closeness – even if, say, harsh words were spoken between you – her physical response switch might be turned to “off”.
Feeling and building everyday closeness with your wife is a must, but exactly what does that entail? We women need to feel pursued and loved outside the bedroom just as a guy needs to feel physically desired by his wife inside the bedroom.
Guys, physical intimacy starts in her heart, so your focus really needs to be on filling her emotional bank account. Think about what you did while you were dating that made her think you were irresistible. It wasn’t just about arranging the big candlelight dinners, was it? I’m guessing you invited her over to watch a movie, cuddle on the couch, and share some popcorn. Maybe you wrote her a little note from time to time telling her you were thinking about her. Why not do that now?
She still needs to know that you are smitten with her, so pursue her and help her feel close to you outside of physically intimate moments. She wants to feel as though you are best friends, that you can talk about anything, and that there are no secrets between you. All of these things help her feel close to you and help her mentally prepare to be physically intimate.
Now, just a quick warning: don’t let physical intimacy be your main intention for creating this day-to-day closeness – your wife will see right through this. Instead, remember to be attentive even when intimacy isn’t an option. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her!
So even though you may be craving physical closeness after an intense talk or an argument, keep in mind that your wife needs to have some emotional recuperation time.
Attend to your wife’s heart by pursuing her outside of the bedroom, and I’ll bet you’ll be delighted by her reaction!
Isn’t it interesting how God created us differently so that our coming together physically would be as meaningful as possible? I think the way God created women to need that wooing meant that He was building “connection” into our sexual experience. On the other hand, I am so glad I know my husband’s desire to feel connected to me is part of what makes him want to move toward me physically. The fact of that warms my heart, that he is seeking connection with me, and makes me desire him even more.
The problem I have run into is that when I do those “little” things, at times I am accused of an “ulterior” motive……then you have to try to prove a negative which is impossible.
Karl, if you have been nice to her all along, then she will not suspect an “ulterior motive”, when you do a kind expression once in a while.
Also, a suggestion is for husbands to keep good attitudes, the same way that husbands want their wives to not be fussy and keep good attitudes.
We are in this together. Husbands need a lot of some things and wives need a lot of other things. Let us recognize and accept the differences between the genders, and be kind to our spouses.
Shaunti, thanks to you and your husband for giving a fair and balanced view of marriage. Many times, wives get discouraged because other marriage authors and writers on the internet and other media, spend their time scolding and blaming wives.
The good word is out about you two. Keep it up:)
Karl, all I can say is that the word “when” in the phrase, “when I do those ‘little’ things” might be the issue. Just start to make it a habit, do those little things consistently, and don’t worry about trying to prove anything. The consistency of your actions will speak louder than any other “proof” you can offer up.
Karl,
A great thing to praise her for is she is not a fool. she can see into your motives that you do once in a while.
Yes, yes, yes! And for the low libido wife, a strong emotional and spiritual connection with her husband can stir her desire to be intimate when the the physical heat isn’t there.
This information is SO true! And, Bonny, your comment is, too! It’s amazing how turned on I feel when my husband and I are truly emotionally close and connected. It makes me feel so safe and secure in our relationship which is what I need to let loose and feel more free in my sexuality and pleasure. It takes constant, daily work but the results are AMAZING!
I think most of of you have totally missed Karls point here.
What about when you have been there, and done that? Over and over for years! Decades even. And nothing but refusal/gatekeeping/defrauding as a result?
Won’t consider counseling.
Won’t get medical checked.
Doesn’t need “to talk”.
Doesn’t need “all that silly romantic stuff”.
Won’t “work on relationship” because there isn’t one in the bedroom? Happy as a clam in “her” sexless marriage.
Hmmmmm? What then?
Sorry bub, but you need to keep “working” for another decade or two, or three, and maybe she will “come around” before one of you dies? Not inside, but really dies.