The Best Valentine’s Day Gift: A Bridge for Your Differences

I saw something fascinating play out during an event this past weekend. Jeff and I were doing a Friday-night/Saturday morning marriage event at a church, and the organizers included a really fun additional element: A professional emcee, Brandon Rushin. Brandon played the part of the “cruise director” for the weekend and ran a series of high-energy interactive games that were interspersed with our talks on things like the secrets of the happiest couples. We’ve seen many churches and event planners include elements like that to dial up the fun . . . but I noticed something really revealing this time.

It came to me in two simple encouragements, which you can offer as a great Valentine’s Day gift to your spouse.

Encouragement #1: It’s not just you. Most couples have lots of day-to-day differences in what they prefer

In one of the games, the “cruise director” asked us to stand up or sit down based on whether we were a morning person or a night owl, preferred to ask for directions or just figure it out, wanted to dine at a restaurant or get take-out, and a dozen other little things. What I found striking was that on many of these preferences, most of the couples were split! Jeff and I are a perfect example: he is 100% a morning person, and I am 100% a night owl. He finds it fun to jump in and figure things out where I’d prefer to ask for directions. When we are on the road, Jeff prefers eating at a restaurant, while I’d rather get take-out and eat it back at the hotel.

In our research over the last two decades, we have investigated the emotional and communication differences between people and haven’t paid as much attention to the little lifestyle choices and preferences. We’ve primarily wanted to uncover how to navigate those preferences well, not explore the preferences themselves. As a researcher I was intrigued to see in this sample of 125 couples so many differences in their day-to-day aspects of life.

Encouragement #2: Doing the little words and actions that matter to your spouse can really matter to the marriage

It is always fun to watch couples’ reactions to our “little things” exercise. As some of you know from our events, we use a tool called Slido to do anonymous, live polling and interaction on our topics as we go, allowing the couples to see real-time answers to questions appear on the screen.

One of those exercises is helping people explore the simple things that really touch the heart of the other person. We create two different word clouds from this prompt (one showing what the men said, and one showing what the women said): “Fill in the blank with five words or less. ‘When my wife/husband says or does this it really touches my heart: ___________.” 

Here, for example, are the two word clouds from our event this weekend:

From the men:

For the Women:

The attendees often find two things astonishing as the words appear in real-time on the screen. The first is, “Wait, you mean that matters more to you?” For a wife, it is often surprising to know that saying “I’m proud of you” and “good job” might be much more meaningful to her husband than saying “I love you.” For a husband, it is often surprising to learn that conveying, “You’re so beautiful” has such power. (Although in families with young children, that often runs neck and neck with, “What can I cook for you tonight?”)

The second thing that tends to surprise people is that such little things could actually make that much difference to the marriage, especially if we do them regularly.  Yes, it really does help your marriage if you put your arm around her while you’re sitting together at church, or if you text him a short note that he’s going to nail that big presentation.

What I finally realized…

Here was my simple revelation, as I stood on stage and watched so many couples process what was appearing on the word clouds—couples who, not long before, had been split on whether they preferred to plan ahead or be spontaneous, liked the mountains or the beach, or really wanted to fly to a destination versus taking a road trip: The little things that touch the other person’s heart act like a bridge for all those differences.

After all, we tend to think of differences as being a problem—and the more there are, the bigger the problem.

Imagine that you have a young couple going through pre-marital counseling. Let’s call them Trent and Kylie. Suppose you compile a list of their many day-to-day differences. One springs awake with the sunrise and the other doesn’t feel awake until after lunch. One goes with the flow, the other is pretty structured. One is a saver, one is a spender. One loves lazy vacations, the other wants to be on the move every minute. And on and on.

If you were to hand that list about Trent and Kylie to a random person on the street and ask, “Will this couple have a good marriage?” my guess is that the person on the street would have significant concerns. “Wow, there are a lot of things they don’t agree on. I’m not sure how this will go.”

Yet here, statistically, is the most likely outcome for Trent and Kylie: Despite their very real differences, they will likely have a good, happy, lifelong marriage. (If you’re wondering how I can say that, look at The Good News About Marriagewhere I debunk the myth of the 50% divorce rate and demonstrate that while there are still plenty of marriages with concerns, the majority of marriages are generally strong and happy for a lifetime.)

Here’s the thing: Because of our day-to-day differences, in any marriage there will have to be work and compromise, grace, and forgiveness. And doing the little things that matter to the other person—are what make that work and that grace so much easier. Your little steps act like a bridge to the heart of the other person by making the other person feel truly cared for. Which then allows them to have grace with you and believe in your love and appreciation for them.

A great Valentine’s Day gift for your spouse

So here’s a simple Valentine’s Day gift that might matter even more than the other things you buy or arrange for your spouse this week: Embrace the little things that act like a bridge to your spouse.

Ask your husband or wife what they would have put on that word cloud.  Ask, “What one little thing could I do to make you feel more cared for, starting today?”

Then actually do it. And maybe tomorrow ask for another idea. And another. Practice these little things. And know that with every little step, you are strengthening the connection to the heart of this very different person you are married to—even if they’re up at 5:30 a.m. when you’d rather sleep in.

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For a weekend like nothing the couples in your church have experienced, consider bringing Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, and emcee and game master (“cruise director”!) Brandon Rushin to your next marriage event. Loaded with fun and laughter, practical and encouraging tips, and audience interaction, the weekend (or one-night event) will leave your couples so equipped and encouraged! Contact Nicole Owens at [email protected] for Fall 2026 and Spring 2027 booking availability.

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If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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