Why Doesn’t my Wife Feel Secure? 

Today’s blog is for the guys, and trust me you’ll thank me for years to come. I’m going to help you decode your wife’s most baffling behavior.  

Have you ever wondered why your wife: 

• Asks “Do you love me?” even though you just told her this morning? 

• Takes your need for space as a signal that you’re trying to get away from her? 

• Wants to talk about your relationship … mostly at the times you least want to? 

Here’s what running underneath. Our nationally representative research for For Men Only revealed that your wife may have a deep, underlying insecurity about whether you really love her. Even the most confident and competent woman may secretly (and subconsciously) wonder if she’s even lovable in the first place.  

Obviously, women have self-agency and are responsible for their own feelings. But, guys, it’s important for you to know the worries and desires running under the surface—because they may be very different from the needs you have been trying to meet.  

Most men have heard “women want to feel secure,” and I am guessing you are eager to provide security for the woman you love. But, to you, that means providing a steady income, a roof over your heads, and maybe something set aside for retirement. All that is great, but it’s not the main security most women seek. There are some exceptions, but the security most women are longing for is in their relationship with you.  

Your wife’s “Am I loved and loveable?” insecurity is probably back there in her mind whether she wants it to be or not. So, with Valentine’s Day approaching, there’s no better time to understand this tender place in your wife’s heart—so you can be the true hero that she is looking for.  

What triggers her insecurity? 

Any guesses on the top trigger for her insecurity? I’ll give you a hint. It’s probably the time you least feel like moving toward her. 

It’s conflict. 

Something that happened on the set of Family Life’s Married with Benefits podcast last year perfectly captures this idea. (And guys, it’s swoon-worthy for women, so take note). After recording an episode on the power of reconnecting after an argument (trust me, it’s big!), one of the young guys in the recording booth confessed he couldn’t think of one thing he does to reconnect with his wife after an argument.  

He kind of hung his head. 

 My co-host Brian Goins and I pressed him to see if he could think of anything.  

 He shrugged and said (and I’m paraphrasing here): “Well, I do tell her, ‘You have unlimited free lives.’”  

Brian and I must have looked confused, because he clarified, “You know, like Mario Kart? If she’s feeling insecure because of our argument I give her a hug and say ‘Don’t worry. You have unlimited free lives.’”  

Every woman within earshot started talking about how amazing that was. He was shocked! 

Guys, the things that make your wife swoon—and help her feel so secure in your love—are usually not the big things. They are the little ones. Here are some of the pure gold steps straight from the research with thousands of women for For Men Only and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages that will probably help your wife feel very secure. (How do you know for sure? Ask her!)  

  

Step #1: Reassure her before you retreat  

 Just like Mr. Mario Kart above shows us, reassurance for your wife in conflict goes such a long way.  

If you’re like most guys, you need time to process things alone. Yet in our research, we found that only 9% of women want to handle their feelings of insecurity alone.  

Here’s how to honor both needs. When things start to get heated, before you withdraw, simply say something like this to your wife: “I am angry right now, and I need some space. But we are okay.”  On our survey, a whopping 95% of women said something like this would eliminate her emotional turmoil. 

Step #2: ‘Hug the porcupine!’ 
  

Guys, here’s where things get interesting. When she seems to pull away during a conflict, she may not actually want space; she may want a hug. In other words, she may want you to follow her.  

Confusing, right? 

This is when you have to do something that may not come naturally. At one weekend marriage event where we were speaking, Jeff was encouraging the men to ask their wives if what they really wanted in an argument was reassurance and a hug. One man in the audience blurted out, “You mean hug the porcupine?!” Laughter rippled through the audience as women nodded, clapped and said, “YES!” 

 I may seem hard to pursue your wife in the turmoil, but just ask her (at some non-emotional time) if that is what she truly wants. She may confirm that she may seem prickly, but that with a big bear hug she will just melt.   

Step #3: Listen without becoming defensive 

Here’s a truth to tuck into your back pocket and pull out during your next conflict. When your wife wants to talk through a conflict, she probably sees it as a joint-problem solving session—not an attack on you. 

It may feel like an attack on you, and that is why this is a skill you need to build. Resist the urge to believe she’s criticizing you. Our research shows that when most women bring up a problem, they’re not thinking you’ve failed. And that the most important thing you can do in that situation is to press through any (understandable) defensiveness by recognizing that your wife genuinely wants to work on a problem with you rather than point a finger at you. 

Step #4: Keep pursuing her  
  

While dating, you hyper focused your attention on the girl of your dreams. You bought flowers, went out to dinner and even had late-night conversations about something you may not have ever talked about before—your feelings. 

Then when you walked down the aisle, you won. You got the girl. You “closed the deal.” 

Before you move on to the next thing (getting the promotion, finishing your master’s, or becoming a guy who can fix anything), you have to remember the deal with your wife is never closed. Not for her, anyway. For most women, there’s no magic, one-time moment of closure when she will feel permanently loved. 

You may think, “But I already showed her I love her!” And she may know in her head that you love her. But deep in her heart she has the nagging “Am I loveable?” question every day. So, she is looking for the answer every day.  

Here’s the good news. Your gestures of pursuit don’t have to be big-deal, high-dollar events. It is highly likely that your wife will feel reassured, loved, and pursued if you simply: 
  

• Put your arm around her in church or at the movies.  

• Send her a text like “You’re a great mom.”  

• Hold her hand in public.  

• Make time with her a priority. 

• Tell her that she’s beautiful to you. (90% of women said that would make their day!) 

Ask your wife if those would help—and if so, do them! That is what will make her feel so secure in your love that you’ll hear those “do you love me?” questions a lot less often. 

Guys, if you found today’s blog helpful, pick up a copy of For Men Only and ask her if the research findings are true about her. She’ll feel so loved!  

And while you’re at it, grab a copy of For Women Only for her for Valentine’s Day. No matter how long you’ve been married, you’ll discover fresh insights about each other that may help your marriage for years to come. 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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