5 Tips for Making New Friends

Show of hands, where are the Friends or Seinfeld junkies? You know every re-run. You can quote all the best lines. (“Pivot!”) But do you know what made those shows work?

Of course, there was brilliant writing and comedic timing. And the characters helped us recognize our own personality traits and mental health struggles in a non-threatening way. (One college professor even taught a class at Rutgers he dubbed Psy-feld, in which students watched episodes of Seinfeld and discussed the characters’ behavioral health in class. How great is that?)

But these shows had one main ingredient that made them go. Friendship.

Many of us would love the barge-through-the-front-door friendships portrayed in these sitcoms. But if we don’t yet have that, we’re not alone. The U.S. Surgeon General last year issued an advisory about the devastating health consequences of isolation. Calling loneliness an epidemic, the report found that even before COVID-19, about half of U.S. adults experienced measurable levels of loneliness.

This is not a “minor” issue. The health toll of disconnection is worse than smoking! For example, lonely people have a 50% increased risk of dementia, 60% increased risk of premature death, and a substantial spike in mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety.

The Rx is Relationships

Bottom line: We need friends. It’s a topic I dedicated entire devotions to in my book Find Rest. We are created in such a way that there is no way to live a restful and peaceful life without at least some sort of rich connection.

And yet, in adulthood, finding true friends can be so doggone tricky, can’t it? Maybe you’ve been burned by a close friend and it’s hard to risk building trust with someone new. Maybe you your busy schedule complicates getting time together. Or maybe you’re quirky and finding friends who get you is just … hard.

We need to purposefully get down to the business of building the close friendships we want –whether they are the barge-through-the-front-door friends or the “what are you doing three weeks from Sunday?” friends. Here are five tips (some of which might be surprising) on how to do just that.

Tip #1: Be curious about people

Curiosity fundamentally changed my life.

As an adult, I have many fantastic friendships. But growing up, it was a different story. I wanted friendships, but had no idea how to build them. I tried too hard to get attention. I was clingy. When a classmate told a story, I would jump in with “me, too!” Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.

When I was 13, my grandparents gave me the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Picture a thirteen-year-old reading that leadership book. But I devoured it like a hungry person who had seen a buffet for the first time.

Here’s the most essential principle for being someone that others want to spend time with: Be genuinely interested in them. Be curious. Ask questions that will allow you to find out more about who they are. Even something as simple as, “So, tell me how you and your spouse met.” is gold. Not to mention, “Do you have any hobbies? How did you get into that?” or “What’s your favorite thing about your job?”

What matters is not the actual questions, but the sincere interest you show in the other person.

Tip #2: Be an active listener

Mastering the skill of listening to others will deepen your friendships immeasurably. Active listening forces us to slow down and focus. One study showed that good listening actually elevates heart rate and blood pressure. In other words: listening takes work.

It also forces us to set aside our knee-jerk desire to say: “Oh! That happened to me, too. In fact …”

When we swing the conversation to a commonality, we might think we’re showing interest. But we’re really steering the conversation back to ourselves. We may even (unintentionally) signal one-upmanship or even disinterest in the other party.

Instead, we can ask follow-up questions or simply say, “Tell me more about that.”

In the process of being a great listener, you’ll show the other person that you care. (And you will care, because sitting in someone’s presence and listening naturally cultivates empathy.)

Listening also sets you up perfectly for the next tip. It’s a hard one.

Tip #3: Take the risk to be real

In Find Rest, I wrote about an adoptive mom named Hannah whose son experienced trauma before coming into her home. Hannah’s life is difficult in a way that few people understand.

One day at the park, she met another adoptive mom who seemed nice. They engaged in pleasant conversation.

Then Hannah took a risk. “And the therapy. So much therapy, right?”

She bravely tossed out a rope that she hoped would be caught. And it was! The other mom grabbed the rope and shared excitedly that she felt like someone else got her life. What a shame it would have been if Hannah left the playground that day just having shared pleasantries. Instead, she found someone who might be a friend. Over time, each of them shared more … and more … and today, they are extremely close. They have offered each other deep, mutual understanding over the years.

Tip #4: Put Yourself Out There

This is another type of risk – and the hardest one for many of us. Not everyone finds friends just by taking their kids to the playground.

In fact, for some of us, it’s risky and really, really hard.

But if we really want to find friends, there’s no way around it: We have to put ourselves into small group settings (church small groups, hobby clubs, volunteer teams, and so on). This is how we can identify people who might be “friend material” in our lives. From small groups, we can narrow to one or two we really connect with.

Which leads to the final and probably the most important factor of all.

Tip #5: Schedule time together

If you meet someone that has friend material written all over them, it’s crucial to make time to be together. (This is also true, by the way, for longtime friends!)

This can look like inviting them over for a meal after church, suggesting coffee while the kids are at soccer practice, or texting a new family with a last-minute invitation to join you at bowling on Saturday. It can even be playing online games together in real time, or having a video call, if you are in different locations. Research has found that actual time together is the most foundational thing that makes friendships work.

Many of us make the excuse that we are too busy, or that there are other obstacles. But the reality is: we make time and overcome obstacles for the things that matter most to us. So let’s make this matter!

If we do, the bonus of committing to these five tips will lay a surprising foundation. We’ll learn to be a good friend ourselves.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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