Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money
This series is created for those recently married or just about to be—but it also is for anyone who is curious about some of the crucial success factors for marriage. We have drawn several of the most simple but crucial factors through 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women. This is the third article in the series (you can read about stopping negative thinking and about healthy communication). If you have someone in your life who is engaged or newly married, pass it along! If they want to get the articles in the series, they can sign up for our blog.
Tensions and disagreements around money are among the most common frustrations in marriage. The good news is: they don’t have to be! Based on a three-year research study Jeff and I did with thousands of couples, there are several crucial but often-overlooked steps that will make a huge difference in setting yourself up for a truly great relationship around money.
If you are engaged or relatively newly married, consider these steps now and talk to your fiancé or spouse about them so you start off right. Doing so will save you a lot of heartache! And if you’ve been married for years and are still finding yourself with money frustrations, avoidance or simply wishing you could get on the same page, you might want to walk through these as well. Uncovering these factors was transformative for me and Jeff, and I know they can be the same for you!
Step one: Tackle money issues in the right order
The biggest trap for most couples is trying to tackle technical money issues without knowing how to talk about money first, without defensiveness, awkwardness or a desire to avoid needed conversations. There are so many resources to help us with the technical financial stuff—books on budgeting, podcasts on getting out of debt, videos on how to invest, advisors who will help you plan your finances. Yet for the vast majority of couples, they don’t truly use those tools together (or even seek out those tools to begin with) because they are dealing with varying degrees of discomfort with those conversations!
In our nationally-representative surveys for our book Thriving in Love & Money, we discovered that just 23% of couples can talk about money well. The rest of us (77%!) struggle with anything from avoiding money conversations and “coping” around the topic (which is definitely where Jeff and I were!) all the way to full-on conflict and resentment.
There’s nothing wrong with starting out with sincere efforts to put together and follow a budget—that is actually extremely important! But if you see that one or both of you are tempted to get defensive, engage in shame or blame, get frustrated, argue, or simply avoid the whole thing, that is a sign that you should first build the ability to talk about money well—even enjoy it!—and then move forward with the technical financial conversations.
Walking you through how to do this—how to build a great relationship around money—is unpacked in our book. But start with these next few steps!
Step two: When you are having tension around money, remind yourself, “It’s not about the money”
This is the most crucial thing for you to remember during any time of conflict, frustration or emotional interaction around money. When your spouse is confronting you about that “irresponsible” amount you spent on something, or when you’re mad that your spouse is being “selfish” or “too tight with money” (or whatever), tell yourself, “This argument is not about the money.”
It turns out: money tensions are actually about how money makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel. It’s about a host of expectations, worries or fears running under the surface, that you and/or your spouse may not be able to articulate. But they are there. And that is what we have to understand about one another before we can come together well, break the logjam, and make progress.
Why? Well, when you think tension is about the dollars and cents, the obvious solution is to focus on the dollars and cents: we aren’t earning enough or saving enough. But while that may indeed be part of it, understanding the “real” reason for the money tension is crucial. Because that is what actually needs to be discussed. Let’s describe how that works, next.
Step three: Understand what your spouse is valuing or worrying about, under the surface
Suppose you buy a somewhat pricey gift for your stepmom on her birthday, and your spouse is frustrated because they had discussed with you their desire to cut back on spending. It may seem like the conflict is about the money. But that is not what leads to the emotions. For example, you may be very worried about all the stress your stepmother is under right now at her job and feeling strongly that you need to say “I care” via that restaurant gift card. While your spouse may be so worried about how on earth to make things work with higher gas prices and feeling strongly that you two should spend no extra money until you see how the economy plays out.
If you just keep focusing on the fact that there is $100 on a gift card, and $100 less in the bank account, both of you could easily get frustrated with each other (“Why aren’t you getting this?!”) and dig in your heels.
But if you can step back and focus on what you and your spouse are valuing or worrying about under the surface—the desire to show your stepmom that you care, the deep fear about the future—then you can address the real issues. Which leads to our final step for today.
Step four: Honor what your spouse cares about or worries about, even if you disagree.
Once you can get even a basic sense for the “underneath” stuff that is going on in your spouse’s mind and heart, make the effort to show that you want to honor how they are feeling. Even if you don’t personally feel the same way!
We often simply don’t take this step. Partly because we don’t really “see” the under-the-surface feelings to begin with, but partly because we think that our spouse is just wrong! And surely, we think, acknowledging how they are feeling in that area will only encourage their “wrongness!”
We have to come to grips with a key truth: unless our spouse is dealing with desires or fears that any observer would indeed agree is objectively wrong (like a gambling addiction), what they care about is usually just as legitimate as what we care about. And acknowledging and appreciating that fact is a secret weapon for creating a good relationship around finances.
Using our hypothetical example, imagine how it would make you feel if your spouse came to you and said, “I’m sorry I’ve been upset about you buying that gift card for your stepmother. I know how much you have wanted to improve your relationship with her. I wish you had talked with me about it first, but I really appreciate your heart to try to do something to relieve her stress.” How would that feel? If you are like most people, you would be so appreciative hearing your spouse articulate what is in your heart. It wouldn’t somehow “excuse” you buying the gift card without asking, but it would honor the heart underneath it. It would likely lower your defenses and open up the space for conversation.
Now . . . realize that your spouse will feel the exact same way if you honor what is in their heart. If you were to go to your spouse and say, “I’m sorry that I bought the gift card without checking with you. I know that you’ve been so nervous about whether we will be able to pay our bills now that gas prices are skyrocketing. I still think we don’t have to be so tight on money, but I want you to know that I really do appreciate your desire to protect the family, financially.” How do you think that will make your spouse feel? If they are like most people, they will be so touched to hear you honor them. It wouldn’t somehow “give them permission” to be even more of a tightwad next time, but it will lower their defenses and open up the space for conversation.
See how this works? As you learn to talk about money, focus on the heart of your spouse, not just the technical money issue, and you will be doing something that is far more important than just solving financial issues. You will be building connection and care with your spouse that will serve you well around all the issues in your marriage.
For more help with stepping into those conversations, start with this free money and relationship assessment, or take a look at Thriving in Love & Money.
Share YOUR advice! What money advice have you found to be most helpful, that you would want to share with a newly-married couple? Answer in the comments below!
More from Shaunti’s Blog:
Back-To-School Prep – Add Kindness To The List
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 3)
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 2)
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 1)
6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)
