How Your Husband Feels When You’re Too Tired For Sex
As Leslie settled into bed, more than ready for a good night’s sleep, Todd walked into the bedroom and gave her “the look” she knew so well—the sly grin and twinkle in his eye that meant he had romance on his mind. Leslie tried not to let a sigh slip out. After running afternoon carpool, juggling karate and ballet lessons, making dinner, helping with homework, and returning work emails, she was so exhausted that she had zero interest in sex. She just wanted to go to sleep without Todd trying to start something. But she knew from experience that he would get upset if she told him to please leave her alone. It’s nothing personal! she thought, I’m just… so… tired.
As a perpetually exhausted wife and mother, you might feel the same way some nights—or even most nights. For the sake of Leslie’s marriage—and yours—I want to provide some perspective that our tired female brains sometimes completely miss.
It might seem that putting dear hubby off for another night isn’t that big of a deal. As Leslie puts it, it isn’t personal. In other words… we women tend to think that, for him, sex is primarily a physical need. In the same way that sleep is a physical need! Right? Well, actually, for him…. no. It’s much more than that.
Sex is a powerful emotional need for men.
I was shocked in my research with thousands of men that sex is actually primarily a powerful emotional need for men. It meets a very deep need in a man to feel that his wife desires him—a need that hits at the core of who he is, and is thus far more central to his sense of emotional well-being (and thus the marriage relationship!) than most women realize. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)
Being intimate with your husband tells him he’s desirable, which, believe it or not, gives him that oh-so-necessary sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of life. One husband I interviewed explained, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.”
Being physically intimate is as important to your man as being emotionally intimate is to you.
And it works the other way, too. Your (spoken or implied) “please leave me alone” probably makes your husband feel like “you are so undesirable you can’t even compete with my pillow.” Looking at it from his standpoint, that is a depressing message. Do you see how responding—or not responding—tells your husband something emotionally important in a way you might never have realized?
The men often used this analogy: a lack of being physically intimate is as emotionally serious to a man as a lack of togetherness or communication would be to you. It would be similar to how lonely and abandoned you would feel if he suddenly started giving you the silent treatment and stopped communicating.
Find ways to engage sexually that meet your needs and your husband’s needs.
Now, all that said: we all realize that sometimes it’s just difficult to get in the mood for intimacy. Sometimes it’s difficult to even think about enjoying it when we’re tired, stressed, dealing with the kids, worried about work, and so on. So I’m sure you don’t intend to send a rejection message to your man. But he doesn’t know that. He simply feels rejected. And because feeling desired is so tied in to how he feels about himself, it is personal.
So for the sake of not only him but your relationship, it’s probably worth it to find ways to address this. Help him understand you and how you need anticipation time to get in the mood (take a look at my column about that). Or tell him it would help if he’d handle the kids’ transportation for the day—and then show him later that you mean it! Talk to him about what would make this more feasible for you.
Don’t worry—this doesn’t have to mean sex every day! Every couple has their own pattern. But if you’ve gone weeks without being together, be aware that your husband—the person you love most in the world—probably isn’t feeling truly loved and affirmed by you. Thankfully, when you find ways to get engaged in this way, I think you’ll truly enjoy watching the difference it makes; not only in his demeanor but the whole relationship.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
What about when it is the other way around and your husband never wants sex?
We have a special series addressing that topic. https://shaunti.com/2015/11/when-she-has-the-stronger-sex-drive-part-one/
never happend to me !!!
She should be grateful that I still want her , 20 years later and 80 pounds more.
Just popping in to say to anyone reading this that the advice on discussing with the husband to take on more of the labour at home (childcare, chores, appointments) should be at the top, and not buried at the bottom.
Sex is an emotional need just as powerful for many women. The emotional connection for women through sex is just as important and pervasive as it is for women. If your wife doesn’t want sex because she is tired, HELP HER. And ladies if you are exhausted and just want to rest, you are not at fault no matter what this article is insinuating.
Garbage article that will only lead to guilt in women and entitlement from men. C-
I find it amazing that the default assumption is a man with school age kids in sports/ activities does absolutely nothing and is still flopped on the couch watching sports or playing video games waiting intil the dust settles so he can ‘get a little action’ before bed.
I got to the part where she was so frazzled running kids around and the homework before the familiar ‘here we go again’ vibe appeared.
Dads are also bringing home dinner, or helping make it. Dads pick up kids from school, from sports, from tumbling, etc. Dads help with homework and give baths, brush and braid hair, tell bedtime stories. Guess what? Dads also make the menus, do the grocery shopping, manage the bills, gather and wash, dry, fold, distribute laundry. Dads sweep and vacuum. They dust and mop. Etc, etc, etc…
They also cut the grass, trim the bushes, water the flower beds, keep the weeds at bay. They fix doors and screens, they paint and put up shelves. They might have to fix the car occasionally.
The difference is that the guy is still turned on by his wife that he looks forward to some playtime with his chosen life partner in the few remaining minutes when the days craziness is done.
Nope!! Despite everything my wife just crawls into bed with her robe tied tight, tucks the covers around and under her like a mummy and turns on the TV to Dr Pol reruns. There is no ‘action’ happening since even spooning is out. There is no good night. No good night kiss.
Nothing. We lie there with 3 ft of space between us. Platonic roommate level cordial friendship.
Mike, this is so embarrassing, thank god you don’t share your last name lol
Never happen to me !!!
She should be grateful that I still want her , 20 years later and 80 pounds more.
Because I bet you’re so hotn20 years later that you could leave her and get anyone you wanted. 🙄
I haven’t felt desirable to my wife in years and years. She has never understood that it is so much more than just a physical act and that it is such an emotional connection. It rips my heart apart and I find myself being enticed by women who even smile and look me in the eye. She is the only one my heart desires, but I have not — nor probably ever will — be the object of her desire for as long as we remain married.
My brother is in a dead marriage,where his spouse is operating in her own “orbit. Coming home at 10pm because she decided she “had” to work more to keep with the job demands. But no one else in the office is doing it. The weekends ,she sleeping all night and half the day,no energy,etc. Of course there is no affection, no bedroom “fun”,even though my brother still desires her. She has depression, diabetes,type 2,100+ overweight, CPAP machine and a don’t care attitude.
I did suggest that his marriage was not going to get any better and it would get worse.She is not involved in the marriage, makes no time for him,etc. Two weeks later, she moved out to her own apartment. Life goes on…
Then whats the point of being married?
I get it; I understand as much as a female can, but it can just be such a challenge at times. I DON’T want him to feel rejected. I WANT to give him that confidence and affirmation, to show my appreciation for all that he does, for providing so well for us. By the time I finally crawl into bed (after he’s had a couple of hours of sleep), my giving tank is already drained, parched & crumbling. The competition between him and the pillow is almost a no win situation. The pillow isn’t asking me for anything and is giving me support, but surrendering to sleep and not engaging with him will leave me plagued with guilt in the morning.
Being a full-time wife/mom, part-time worker, part-time college student, band/sport team mom and community volunteer means I have my hands full, so a little effort by him on the home front would go a long way to helping me catch a breath, relieve some of my pressure (to make him proud of me!) so that I can give more back to him. Whether it is doing some of the little things around the house (taking out the trash/recycling, emptying/loading dishwasher without prompting) or just taking pride in his own appearance (so that I can appreciate it!) would help change the balance between exhaustion and interest.
What about pruning some of these activities? Do you have to be a community volunteer? Focus on your husband/family/children,job,school,would that be doable for you? Try it!
I agree. He should come first…in fact, he should come before the kids. Children need to see the love and adoration their parents have for each other. It sets an early example for them to see the best side of marriage from the 2 people they love the most. I’m not saying to neglect your children by any means, but without him you wouldn’t even have those gifts! So go ahead..let hubby eat first, let him pick the Sunday night movie or the board game you’ll play as a family..he needs to know that he’s a huge factor in keeping your family together as a whole, and I think when he sees that you still love him the same as you did before the children (maybe more so, now..at least that’s the case with me), he’ll start to look at you in ways that will make you CRAVE intimacy with him!
A strong marriage is essentially the key to your children having strong marriages, as well!
I completely agree. My wife’s libido took a serious downturn after our 2nd child. For the last 3 to 4 years I have been the primary caregiver to our now 6 & 8 yr old kids so I definitely am an involved father, to the point that I am feeling unwanted even more because of what I bring to our family while also working a full time job that happens to be remote /work-from-home. Honestly, no matter who works or doesn’t work or both work each person should take responsibility for the children you had together. No one should be forced to do it all.
It sure does double up the uncaring cold feeling I get from her when I do all this AND work.
Family should ALWAYS come first. Not volunteering, not going out with your friends, not even making sure they’re in every activity possible. Your marriage is sacred and should come first.
I am in the same boat as you are, D B. I work in IT and am working remotely at home and have been for over 16 months now and still takes care of our 7 children during the day AND work a demanding job with all the projects currently going on.
My wife has not made me feel wanted in a long time. And I have talked to her about it quite a few times. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. I cannot say for sure that is the way it is, but that is what it seems like, because every time I bring it up, she acts like it is the first time it is being said and gets REALLY offended. It is to the point where she does not want any thing sexually from. I think that last time we have done anything was over a month ago.
I tried to get her in the mood last night before and when we were in bed, only to be welcomed with the accustomed, “I’m tired and want to go to sleep” So I took care of myself and when I mentioned it to her this morning, if looks could kill, I would have dropped dead cold on my side of the bed.
I try to show my children to be affectionate with their SO’s, because then that will hopefully give them a healthy relationship when they have them, but it get’s harder all the time when you are constantly shut down and get to the point where you don’t know what to do
I feel the same. We run a business together. We work roughly the same. She probably cleans more. But never stops telling me how much cleaning she does. On the other hand i do the vast majority of cooking, dishes, picking up and dropping kids to school and activities. She trains at the gym or the lap pool 6 days a week. Gets up at 5am to do it. And keeps telling me how much sex we have. But im not sure if she lives in reality with that anymore.
He should step up and put her first as well. The thing which really struck me about this comment is the bit where she says he has a ‘couple of hours rest (sleep even)’ while she is getting things done. Wow! It’s no wonder she has no energy for sex and he’s raring to go. You should be suggesting that she addresses the problem of her lack of downtime between chores and bedtime, and his apparent lack of awareness of this. Or maybe he is aware and he just doesn’t care. Laying guilt and responsibility on her shoulders in extremely unhelpful in this case Dustie, makes me think you didn’t really understand her comment.
For E J
I was in the very similar situation with my husband.
I was taking care of all the day to day things, the house, all meals and we both work full time…
After Soo many years of explaining to my husband a wanted a better partner, meaningful intimacy… More of a caring and supportive partner who takes me into his daily considerations. After 15 yrs+ of marriage, I suggested seeing a therapist. I honestly completely regret not going earlier. The therapist was able to make him understand me in ways I couldn’t on my own.
But in true honesty, It made a difference. I do see improvement in our day to day together. But it always difficult to brake old habits. Some days it feels like we take a few steps back but with practice, it gets easier. Both partners need to be 100% willing for counselling.
I am greatful, my husband was completely open minded and wanted to make things better.
You have nothing to loose if you don’t try but your spouse…
I wish you all the best! Life is too short to be unhappy without an end in sight.
If my husband picks a movie I can’t get into, I usually fall asleep. So, no movie and no sex.
Dustie, can you try to address some of the issues Susan is facing in her marriage? Or at least read her comment before you lecture her about her ‘responsibilities’ to him.
True, this women don’t get it. I think the society has something to do with it. Everywhere you look, it basically says everything about their needs. Nothing about the man’s needs.
The society give them ideas for how to use sex to get what they want from men and that men only want sex all the time.
Until the matured adults, WOMEN start changing their perception at a you g age, divorce and the liked will continue.
They feel they are doing men favors by having sex.
Then when the men cheat or leaves their alway tired excuse complain, it’s too late.
You are not entitled to sex every time you have the inkling, which for most men, is most of the time. We are not wired that way. You’ve been made to believe that you must satisfy that desire every time it pops up. Control yourselves, stop watching porn, thinking you DeSeRVe bjs and sex on demand. The entitlement is a turnoff.
Women are not sex vending machines. It’s not that we’re taught to use sex; that’s lame, I agree. But we’re waking up to the fact that we have bodily autonomy and that men are not owed sex for being kind or bc they’re married to us. Of course sex is important, but It should be an enthusiastic yes for both parties every time, and we shouldn’t be pestered for it when we’re exhausted or overworked. You guys need to learn to channel that lust just a little bit. Pouting, porn sick partners are not sexy. Kills the libido.
Congratulations on your bodily autonomy…
The woman I dated shortly before I met my wife voiced the same things you just mentioned above. She was a controlling, angry mess of a woman — and then married the man she dated after me.
Their marriage is miserable.
I think you made that up Anonymous.
I simply do not believe the premise that this (and many other articles) come from. That women do not know what constant rejection means.
I would, except that if the role is reversed, and it’s the man rejecting, ONCE, the very first thing y’all think and say is “you don’t love me anymore!”. And that’s from being rejected ONCE. Yet you all expect us to believe that you don’t understand what you’re doing.
For that to be true, one of two things would have to be true. You’d have to be a sociopath by virtue of possessing two X chromosomes (which, after 15 years with my wife I’m not willing to dismiss as possible), or you don’t have the basic intellect of a flatworm. Since women are master manipulators almost from birth, I will dismiss that one.
The third alternative is the most likely. You do know what you’re implying with your rejection, and simply don’t care because you only view men as an accessory or a slave.
I work a job take care of 2 kids ages 7 and 12 ,fix my old home my self and by that I mean fix my porch and roof with patch up s ,fix car stuff my self,take out trash,wash dishes,clean laundry,had to fix furnace,put in my own toilet,fix my husband his dinners. Mean while my husband works 2 jobs to catch up on collage loans and back debt. I understand tired and I understand lack of sex. Sex issues we have and my sex drive is crazy strong. My husband is impotent and has such bad diabetes and blood pressure issues that we go months without having sex. Some one will always fall asleep. I think u think about your issues like most and not of both of your issues. When one hurts so does the other generally.
Dear Sarah,my all time dream was a women with high sex drive!!
He should be so lucky , I know I would be.
I have told him time and again that he simply needs to follow me to bed and know that if he gives me some loving attention I’ll be able to be in the mood. He knows he can afterwards get back out of bed and stay up doing whatever he pleases for as long as he wishes to do so and everyone could be happy. Instead he wakes me up no matter how exhausted I was from no sleep the last 3 days and nights from Bipolar mania or sleeping an hour or so at a time because of the nightmares from PTSD both from service and civilian life, I’m first and foremost NOT in the mood in the least, number 2 if I’m able to be persuaded to be in the mood I fall back to sleep too quickly without the extremely important restroom visit afterwards to help ward against infection causing a whole slew of other issues and not being able to fulfill getting in the mood being one of them. Number 3 it’ll cause a fight, because unfortunately I sometimes wake up in fight or flight reflex caused by the realistic and at times terrifying nightmares I’m subjected too regularly and it’s completely outside of my control whatsoever. He knows all of this he also knows he could go to the bedroom ahead of time when I announce a half hour to an hour before I’m heading to bed my intentions of going to bed shortly and we have discussed lighting candles to show our intentions to want to make love. We’ve done this in the past and yes it works but yet again he completely ignores the small things I need for him to not only show me he wants to make love with me but also respects me emotionally and physically, helping avoid an infection by going to bed with me instead of waking me etc and that’s not going to be conducive to love making times. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and it’s not because I’ve wished or worked to do so I’ve got some issue going on medically and it’s difficult for me to feel wanted already because I literally feel I look like a corpse just skin and bones. At almost 5 foot 8 inches tall 109 looks unhealthy on me in a bad way. I don’t think the things I’ve outlined above are huge terror striking demands and the least he could do. Otherwise maybe he should stop watching hours of TikTok at a time and ignoring his spouse and his own needs in the bedroom. On the weekends if we make love in the morning he goes back to sleep while I’m up alone all day when he wakes up for dinner he’ll sometimes just watch TikTok until very late like 3am sending me links to videos which ding my phone usually waking me up or I hear it in my dreams. Just another thing he does every single weekend that discourages my feelings of amorousness towards him. When he ignores my simple requests to him like could you please rinse the bearded dragon’s water dish, she likes to get in it it helps her bowels move as she’s getting older, that literally makes me feel ignored and the weeks he misses work or he’s late and he blames it on me it makes me see him as unmanly and I can’t help to feel that way. I don’t see how someone could keep from putting their kids needs ahead of their TikTok viewing time that kept him up late keeping his bear awoken from hibernation hateful ADHD or ADD can’t recall which our son has both, from waking up or neglecting to ask for headache medicine until two hours after he’s late to work and he snaps at me because I didn’t read his mind earlier I guess. I’ve told him before just tell me you’ve got a headache or migraine I’ll get you some medicine right away so we can get it relieved and you don’t miss out on another full paycheck.
Have you looked into counseling or help? Sounds like you both are tired!
We went from once a day to once a week, I am at eits end, it’s like my wife doesn’t even acknowledge that I am have a high sex drive and enjoy making love to her.
I even started questioning if she truly does care about my needs as a husband, I doubt that as I am sitting here. I sit in agony with “blue balls” and even after telling her That I am in pain she just shrugs it off…. I fear that I will soon become unfaithful if my needs aren’t met or That she acknowledges the issue
Is sex all about your “needs” then? Maybe taking care of her might yield some results.
20 years in and always the same rejection. I went to the gym with her this weekend and kindly asked if we could have sex. “We have a lot to do today” was the answer. This after she was out 2 nights last week and once until 1:30am. Priorities? Thoughts? THANKS.
Maybe she doesn’t Njoy sex with you? Maybe you’re not kind and attentive or physically attractive anymore?
So the wife can just switch if off for ko reason and he should just accept he isn’t desirable anymore, sams like conditional love that to me
Same thing here. There a time for everything that isn’t me. Almost 2 years of no sex in a 5 years relationship. To go out with her friends there’s always energy to go past 1am. But for me, if it’s 10pm, “I’m just so exausted”
Are any of you men on here who are complaining trying your best to meet her needs? Help her to rest, she needs more time than you do to start thinking about sex. Take something off her plate and continue to do so. Things won’t change until you ‘get it’.
Take something off her plate?
But what if the wife has willingly and voluntarily FILLED the plate, then has no time for husband?
I give up, honestly I do my part, i help her with jobs, I help her relax, i always take my time going into sex. But she has ZERO interest and just goes to sleep. It’s making me depressed now.
So yes, I will be one of THOSE husbands who complains about no sex.
Good, I’m glad you do all of those things for her. This comment obviously wasn’t aimed at you.
Then u aren’t doing something right. You must be the problem.
It is depressing to read how prevalent this issue seems to be. I too am struggling with my wife’s sexual rejection. She is always to tired… We are both 39 and way to young imho to be struggling with a lack of intimacy. I am also a provider who is supportive and does a lot to help around the house and with our children. We are in therapy which has helped us communicate better but unfortunately there has not been progress in the area of sex. I think replies like Nicole’s are worth noting and are personally very upsetting. An article focusing on mens needs and why they are important is not misogynistic. To assume we are all selfish lovers looking to “bang out” our wives and roll over for the night is offensive. As if we have no desire or ability to please our partners. I would also assume that women are gay not because of a disgust of men but a love for women. From what I have read the majority of respondents are from men who want more in their relationships. Unfortunately I have no advice other than not cheat. Either give 100% or call it. I am going to continue to try and give in this relationship but if she and I cannot get to a place we are both happy with I will be open, honest, and file for divorce. I want to be an example for my children and one of the most important lessons I want them to learn is that their needs are important. Not in a selfish way but in a way that recognizes that if we are not good to ourselves we cannot be good to others. Staying in a sexless marriage is not a good environment for a family. Children are extremely perceptive and the lessons they learn from that environment will only hurt them.
There are husbands who are selfish lovers who just want to ‘bang out’ their wives. Not all, but I’d bet many men on these Christian forums complain that their wives aren’t into it, but either through ignorance or selfishness just won’t listen.
Lol. Toxic feminist attitude
What if sex HURTS her? Not sure if that’s true but that’s why I don’t like to any more on top of everything
If sex hurts her, she should go to the Dr. To live in a sexless marriage is incomprehensible. You need affection in a relationship, and sex is a normal activity for couples. If it is withheld, it is inevitable that the man will look elsewhere.
Ryan, you should have stopped at your first sentance.
“Things won’t change until you ‘get it” Nice, very predictable excuse from women who spend far more time making excuses than they ever spend making an effort. Apparently the only way for most women like this to, “get it” is when they are served with Divorce papers. I have spent 46 years married to a woman who did everything possible to fill HER plate with everything she could find. Church, school, work her mother and everything under the sun she could volunteer for. All of that crap came first. I found out early on, the more I took off her plate, the more she piled on. About 40 years ago a counselor called her out on this. In one ear and out the other, it made absolutely NO difference.
The article didn’t apply to situations like yours. If a wife loses interest and has no interest in fixing it, she should at least be honest and give everyone the chance to move on sooner instead of allowing her spouse to cling to false hope. The article was about otherwise healthy relationships where exhaustion alone is the cause of the rejection. I’m sorry about your relationship. That’s unacceptable to not even try. I went through a rough period postpartum where the combination of severe sleep deprivation, postpartum depression and anxiety, and having to do all the housework and childcare alone caused my libido to tank due to exhaustion and resentment. But I was honest about my feelings, even when at one point I felt like I had lost attraction to my husband. That was a tough conversation. But I was also honest that I was willing to work on it and told him what I needed–that what he had been ignoring changed how I felt about him. We’re doing ok now. That’s the difference. I hope you find resolution one way or another.
Wow no wonder your wife doesn’t sleep with you because you’re a clingy selfish P.O.S. who thinks the world revolves around him.
GlitterGirl1991 please take a look in the mirror and do some self reflecting. Why you think it is appropriate to speak so crudely?Especially to people who are clearly in pain
I was waiting for this response. This article is full of misogyny. Most men are selfish creatures who do not think of ways to get his wife in the mood. As a lesbian , many of my exes left men because of this. Selfishness in the bedroom. Most men just “bang” their wife as she gets no penetration pleasure. So he doesn’t realize most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation. So many men do not take the time to listen to their wife’s wants and sexual needs. Foreplay, warm her up, help her out by equal share of household duties , especially if she works as much as you do. Help her clean. Run her a bath for her alone time, be there emotionally for her. The problem is exactly this: male narcissism, toxic masculinity, gaslighting, manipulation and invalidating women’s feelings. Stop with the gender role expectations . Treat her like you want to be treated. If she wants sex , her plate has to be half full , consider how her day was, ask her what has she been dealing with lately… for once y’all with your brain and not with your private part. I can’t wait to use this article to teach my class about great examples of articles that invalidates women and enable toxic masculinity….
Are you serious? My and my wife have been married for 5 years now. After marriage I moved were she lives at the moment . In the beginning it was a lot of sex and having fun. Everything changed when we had a kid. I work, she works and studies. We have 3years old kid. I basically help her with kid and also do most of the house chores while she studies and does all work related stuff. Food is never on time or sex is never initiated by her ( even though we had argued so many times about this topic) . Surprisingly she also tells me I only care about sex and I don’t listen to her and I am not emotionally helpful to her. Please tell me when I do all these things and I can’t even have sex with my wife? it’s funny I have to be therapist as well . It’s hard, very hard. So, stop with this masculinity and understand “her” needs thing. How about understand his needs and what he likes. Aren’t you modern age women scream about gender equality so we equal and both women and men should start listening and understanding each other or this societies will collapse.
Say it louder Nicole!! Men and women think, function and thrive off of the complete opposite at times. People seem to think we all want the same, function the same, our systems are the same, our thinking is the same. Most of the time, it’s way off. Everyone simply need to listen to what the other wants/needs and get through it together. Should never be one sided. Communication is the best thing to have in any relationship. It opens doors to be able to conquer things TOGETHER. So many times, I see people pointing fingers and everything is one sided. That’s not marriage material. Wish everyone the best ?
LOL !! ” As a lesbian you are already biased against men so please shut up!!!
Meet her needs? I work full time make twice the money. Also renovating our 4 story home. Working from home full time. Take care of the dog all day. Drive the kids to school. Shop for all the food. Clean the house. Cook. All she does is help with the kids homework. She is a great Mother to the kids but my needs emotionally and physically are not met at all. She takes naps during the days. It’s like living with a roommate and that’s what I don’t want. Basically ready to move on. Feel bad for the kids but my needs are not met at all. It’s beyond intimacy. That’s just a small part of it.
I think many of these men complaining are doing everything they can to make sure their partners are getting as much support as possible to rest and help take loads off their plates. The men know their wives have little interest and by in large just get on with it but every now and then they will complain and that’s natural. Bottom line is you have a choice to get on with it or move on. What sucks is when the partner doesn’t acknowledge that they have no desire and try to make out that it’s their partners fault even when there is a clear pattern. That’s tough to take and a horrible double dose of hurt. Voluntary plate filling is defo another tell tale sign of zero interest IMO.
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out, vibes were good… just a nice chilled relaxing day with my wife and son. Long story short the evening comes, I put my son to bed and I have a nice glass of wine with my wife. For the first time in about 3 months I decided to ‘make a move’ on my wife. Feels cringe writing that… but that’s honestly how it feels nowadays. Doesn’t feel natural at all anymore because I’m anticipating the rejection and how it will ruin me for the next few days. Surely she can’t reject me this time? It was the perfect moment. Just LOL at me. She pulled the “I’m tired” card after a day of relaxing in the sun hahaha! If that’s not funny enough, I’m only 30 and she’s 27. I either put up with a sexless marriage for life which is going to get worse… or ruin an amazing family life with my son. Literally everything is perfect apart from the lack of affection and sex. What the hell do I do?
What do you do? Get out NOW!!!! It will not get better, EVER. I have spent 46 years in the same worthless excuse of a marriage always hoping it would get better. It hasn’t and it won’t. One thing you will find is she will never run out of excuses and other things to take up all of HER time. Months at a time with nothing will become the norm. My wife did not slowly get this way. This crap started with her on her wedding night. There was nothing before marriage and on her wedding night she was too tired and it was too late. This has continued virtually non-stop for 46 years.
Nathan, you and I are both idiots. With roommates.
Also married over 40 years.
Married 15 years, 3 children. Very happy together. Sex was amazing for the first 5 years, slowed down for the second 5, and has been virtually nonexistent for the last 5. It started out as almost daily to maybe once every 4 months. We actually went an entire year without having sex at one point. About a year ago I realized that our marriage wouldn’t last like this, so I read a lot of self help books on marriage advice and talked with a lot of people. I started doing EVERYTHING that was recommended to rekindle our intimacy. Complimented her, listened to her, communicated, frequent back rubs, foot rubs, sent romantic messages, texts, flowers, surprised her at work, did chores galore, took over a lot of her daily chores to give her time to unwind, cuddled, went away together without kids, supported her, laughed with her, you name it…I did it. And it worked…temporarily. For about 3 months we were having sex like teenagers again. It was amazing. Then out of the blue it shut off again for no reason. It’s now been about 4 months since we last had sex. I continue to do ALL of the things listed above. However, now when I try to initiate sex or even simply touch her I get the dreaded, “I’m too tired”, or a big “sigh”, or “I know why your looking at me like that”, “stop touching me, you only want sex”. I tell her that, YES, I do want sex. I’m in love with her and I want to get intimate with her sometimes. It doesn’t have to be everyday (although I’d love that). I’d take once a week, or a couple of times a month. I tell her all of this, and she just changes the subject or gives me the “I just don’t feel like it now”. I’m at my wits end. I seriously don’t think I can do anything else to put anymore spark in our marriage. She brags to her friends about all the things I do for her and want an incredible husband I am, but for some reason I get no sexual gratification in return. I guess it’s porn and masturbation for me from now on. I don’t want to cheat on her and could never think of even considering it, but who knows what will happen if this continues for much longer. We’re very happy together and in love, but I can’t be in a sexless marriage. It’s torture!
Women are not vending machines—a gesture goes in and sex comes out. You said you started reading books and being kind to her AFTER the sex stopped. Maybe if you’d been treating her this way all along—bc you wanted to and not to try and get something in return—the sex wouldn’t have dwindled. Women know when it’s genuine. And thirsty men are not attractive. That’s alot if kids and alot of work. Let’s not forget perimenopause. What if you had a prostrate issue and your penis stopped working? You’d want her to be by your side, and she’d have to go without, right? Stop being so hard up for it and be genuine in your approach and maybe her attraction will return.
Sister thinks everything revolves around her everything what matters is her needs…like why should a male care so much about this simple normal stuff …. Keep up this track you’ll get divorced soon… Good luck
I don’t know what more to do for my wife. I cook, I clean, kids is no hassle as they teenagers on there own buzz. I support her, I take her shopping. When bed time come she is always too tired. I have tried gifts, sexy under wear, perfumes etc. I try to smell nice, groom myself more. However, nothing works. After eight years of marriage, I think it’s time to move on, I live her and cannot bear the thought of not being with her but I need sex. I’m tired of masturbating and porn, I want the real thing badly. Even a less attractive woman is whom I will settle for, even if I will never love her as I love my wife, but atleast if I can have sex, I’m ready to make the move.
My husband and I made a pact. We never say No. 33 years and we still wreck the sheets!
You’re the type of woman every married man’s dreams of. Your husband is a very fortunate man.
I think Mary is trolling.
If you are too tired for sex, go to sleep. It’s not that difficult. You have a genuine need for sleep. He’s just going to have to wait, it won’t kill him.
How many relationships have you been in Sadie? Because after a minute of not getting anything and ALWAYS using the excuse of I’m too tired for sex. You also have a genuine need for sex as well, especially when you are in a committed relationship and waiting for one night, maybe two I could understand, but if it is a constant excuse, it will kill him and your relationship
EXACTLY! Unfortunately, I seriously doubt women like Sadie will ever make the connection between their multiple failed marriages and their endless litany of excuses. Some how it will ALWAYS be HIS fault. Who knows, maybe he didn’t put the toilet seat down!
Nope, I think Sadie is talking about taking a rain-check when you are exhausted, not all these other things you are reading into it. Sleep is vital to a healthy sex life. Sometimes sleep needs to be the priority.
Just visiting this thread again. Failed marriages? You do project, don’t you? I have been happily married to one man for 32 years. A man who understands the value of a good night’s sleep and what that means for our sex life.
Exactly! These men watch too much porn and can’t control their desires. Not to mention the entitlement they have. Mature well-rounded men don’t behave this way. I’m sure these men have turned their wives off in some manner—cheated, too much prom, not helping around the house, abuse of some form. Women don’t just shut down for no reason. We enjoy sex too.
My ten year anniversary is approaching. The entire time we have been married we have on average probably has sex once every two months. We have had multiple periods where we have gone 3+ months.
My wife always complains that it is because she is tired. I do about 60% of the work with our daughter and I cook probably a little more than half the meals. I handle the most stressful aspects of running the house (budget, repairs, etc.)
Also, both of us are in shape (both ex-athletes) with no health issues.
I also over the years have done a lot of self-reflection and actively worked on things like becoming a better husband by communicating better, being more sensitive and working on intangibles. One time I even heard my wife bragging to her cousin how good I am to her.
None of this matters though. My wife seems genuinely happy but, I am stuck here and it feels like it would be in poor character for me to leave my wife and 6 year old daughter over lack of sex in the marriage.
I do not know if any single men whom are contemplating marriage read this but, if you are please think long and hard about if you think the marriage is worth it.
Very much agree. Sometimes wish I’d never married at all. It’s too painful to have one wedding day and then rejection everyday for the rest of your life.
After reading all of this I’m not seeing anywhere where the woman has worked all day came home cooked cleaned picked kids up from practices etc. then also worked her second job then all she wants to do is go to bed so she can just repeat it each day. Then weekends are busy cleaning and cooking more grocery shopping because the man ain’t gunna do that. Also school activities on weekends. Yes the man works and provides for us but why does the man get to work 8-12 hours and come home and just watch TV. Of course they have energy for sex they aren’t constantly working 24/7. Not to mention the back problems etc.
Women and men have valid points when it comes to the reasons why marriages become sexless….genuinely, I’m speaking to my men out there…if you are truly putting in the effort and doing what it is required for both parties to rest and relax, keep doing it for reasons other than being rewarded with sex. I know it is extremely difficult to endure rejection, but in the end, if the marriage must end, at least you know you did everything in your power to make it work. When kids are involved, most couples make the mistake of putting the kids first and not each other. That’s when things normally go south and become broken. And to lesbian women commenting on here about men not providing the proper amount of foreplay or “warming up”, not all us are idiots and you should have the advantage as you have the same parts, and as a woman, you understand what most women are looking for. WE as men love foreplay too! Stop disregarding men so easily, and dropping us all in the same box!
Spend 11 years with my childhood love she was 14 I was 13 “
We were always madly in love and had all the right things going on and we were ofcourse like rabbits in our teens, things calmed down in our 20’s while I was serving as a marine but we still had a lifetime of love and affection for each other and we’re intimate almost daily. Then the day arrived and we had a beautiful son living in Denmark she would get a year’s payed leave to take care of the baby, at that time she installed Instagram and spend the majority of her time clinging her phone and literally photograph everything without ever uploading it, it just never was good enough.
She started changing more and more became a feminist a vegan and tried to force her changes upon me and when I refused I was toxic masculine a narcissist.
Within that year sex became non existing, and even tho I worked harder than ever it was never good enough
She always rewarded me with intimacy but after we had our son she noticed it was way easier threatening me with taking him away from me.
And she did
I accepted my fate
But I’m a broken man
I just turned 30 my son is 5 and the last 4 years have been a living nightmare filled with a manipulative x
I totally get this, For the last 5 years I constantly have to remind my wife that being intimate together is a key part of marriage and that hand jobs / blow jobs aren’t the answer, I want mutual pleasure and time together. I mean as kids are older now we have plenty of opportunity to have an afternoon together but there is always an excuse why we can’t and then it’s too tired when we go to bed!! I have found myself purposely staying up watching TV to avoid the rejection. I help around the house and make an extended effort when she’s had a busy day at work to give her a nice massage when she comes home and let her rest. I get up with the kids early and cook breakfast and prepare lunches. I wash clothes and make sure I do more than enough and it annoys me when she says she’s tired despite doing nothing all day!! She seems more interested in meeting up with friends rather than having intimate time together.
I am the wife that does Everything. I work as a full time teacher in an inner city middle school. I also pay all the bills, do all of the cleaning, and do all of the grocery shopping. I taxi our kids around and handle their homework and any resisted school issues. I am legitimately tired. He DOES NOT take anything off my plate ever. I wish that my husband would do some of the things I hear other husbands doing to help out. So after a very long day, my husband wants attention. I wish for once he would say”you go lay down, I will take care of the dishes. I enjoy sex but not when I am exhausted. So no problem with him wanting sex but feel that my needs are completely overlooked and I am told I am making excuses about being tired. Makes me want to cry.
This does not sound healthy at all. Have you tried communicating these complaints to him?
Great article. I am a man in this situation. My wife and I are intimate about once a month if I’m lucky. During those rare intimate times, it just seems like a chore for her. We have a child under 1 that goes to bed at about 7 PM but by the time that process is over she is too tired or her back hurts and wants to be asleep by 8:30. I think the division of labor in our house is good. I do the cooking, most of the cleaning, all yard-work, take out trash and am full time dad on the weekends because that’s when she works. During the week, I am at work and she is home all day with our daughter. When I get home from work, I take over Dad duties and cooking. How is she still too tired for me? I feel like I do so much and am just taken for granted. When I bring this up, I get attacked and am made to sound selfish and perverted.
I am usually up for sex unless I actually feel sick. But lately I’m not as much. Which is weird because I’m at the age where I should want more. He just doesn’t seem to put as much effort into helping as I do. We both work full time and I do majority of cooking and cleaning. That was something I was just kind of accepting for years. We’ve been married for 17 years now and sex averages 2-3 times a week. I’m pretty sensitive so anymore than that can cause irritation. But recently I got hurt, and he was so apathetic to it. I never get hurt or need to be taken to the Dr. So when I saw he could care less, I felt unloved. Since then, I don’t really care as much about sex, or his feelings.
HI,
Having a real issue with my fiancé and the lack of her wanting or needing any physical contact. Falling asleep has become what feels like a way out of being intimate or having sex. I’m one that needs some sort of physical affection or intimacy.
I keep trying to keep the romance in the relationship alive even though it’s met with almost zero enthusiasm or ackowledment on her part. Love notes left under her pillow, flirty playful loving texts, ecards, flowers, weekends away etc. I’m a romantic at heart!!
We had a date night a couple of months ago, our usual way of scheduling sex, and everything was awesome through the night. passionate kissing before going out, pulled my hips into hers etc.( which almost never happens). We get back from dinner and she says lets go the bedroom. She get ready in her all cotton attire and I get into bed nude. She notices I’m nude and starting rubbing my body and about 5 minutes later she’s asleep!!! She wakes up 5 minute later and oh we will have sex give a minute and she falls asleep again!!! This has been more frequent the last 6-months. That was the 4th time something similar that has happened in the last several weeks.
We talked because I was pretty upset, frustrated, stressed etc. I have always been very physical since day 1 of dating almost 10 years ago. She was compassionate and apologetic, she is usually “it just happens, I can’t help it…. ! Yet ABSOLUTELY nothing has changed since that talk.
We don’t live together as we are both divorced and have have a daughter that are in different schools so we see each other roughly 50% of the time. I would think that would at least create wanting or needing on her part. I do have to say that there is NO pain issues needing lube. Sex is off the charts when we do have sex, so I confused and could use some insite from women that have gone through me!!
Looks to me that now you know why she’s divorced. Now the question for you is do you want to be next? She put on a great act to catch the next fish but it was just an act. She was, “tolerating” sex. Nothing more, nothing less and she will never change. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this then go ahead and marry her. Otherwise, run as fast and as far as you can from her.
Something about you —something you’ve said or done—has changed the way she feels and she hasn’t the heart to tell you, maybe. Don’t get married.
My husband lays in bed ALL day “waiting for me to come home from work” and expects apparently thinks I’ve been lounging all day and poof I’m ready for sex . I take care of the house, cook, work 60 hours a week and he has not one clue as to how I feel at the end of the day.
So by this logic, you can never say no. By this logic, I should offer myself up like a piece of meat to be used for what is essentially a human flashlight even when I’m exhausted (bc how can I enjoy it if I’m tired?) bc my man can’t wait until I’m well-rested and desire him too? And you’d have us believe that a man who would be ok with engaging with an exhausted woman who is having sex out of obligation or fear of being left is looking for connection? Bullsh*t. Connection is when both parties are enthusiastically involved, not one party just needing to get their rocks off. No one is owed sex in this circumstance. Stop pushing this narrative.
I fond it interesting that the article for men is directed towards women in understanding how a man feels and basically adjusting to the husband. However, the article for when a woman has the higher sex drive is addressed to women, telling us to work on ourselves and understand the man. What about an article specifically addressed to the man to understand how women feel when they need sex more often? Women that have the higher sex drive also go through several years of sexual prime also. We don’t need to look at our inner selves and get help or consider we have a problem. In the Bible it say throughout about not neglecting your spouse or being fruitful, etc. Focus needs to stop being that for a man this is acceptable……the woman is the bringer of life. Women give life. Women are the caregivers. The wife has a more important role in life than her husband. These articles do not show this.
Too often sex comes across as body-poking looking for ‘alphabet’ spots. Do men never feel totally embarrassed about being unclothed – truthfully most people look better in business suits and evening gowns than the porkers on beachers . The mouthful of obscenities called ‘dirty talk’ = this is no turn on.. Puke-inducing oral sex = swallowing snot and pretending to like it. And stomach-churning fantasies which are ‘not to be judged’.Sex comes across as debasing, degrading and depraved. ‘Let’s watch porn’ or stuff some piece of plastic into you, or bring on electronics at XXX rpm to ‘stimulate you’. Can it be understood that this is totally disgusting and to be avoided?
I am madly in love with my wife of 40 years. Her mother moved in 9 years ago and has actively tried to make my wife less interested in sex. My mother-in-law has succeeded in this.
I often stay up very late at night praying and crying.
I do not get to see her body anymore. She doesn’t feel attractive, but I think she is gorgeous.
I hope she will have a little energy for me when her now 87-year-old other passes.
Why are women allowed to be angry all the time, but not men?