Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud
Welcome to the weekly list at Ask Shaunti! Each Wednesday, join me as I share a few of the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in marriages and families.
Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud:
1. “I need to feel desirable.” We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him — or initiates it herself! — it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.
2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.” We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife. For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone. When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds / fighting /distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.
3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.” Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way. They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?” Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter! Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond. But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
I’m a man I have been married for 25 years been with her 30. When i want sex I want sex and don’t feel any of these 3 things you mentioned
I am a man also, you need to love your wife for more than sex when having sex! she will know if you do or not!
Pretty much nailed it for me.
My wife is my best friend, but we have had no physical relationship for several decades. When I think of our two children (one’s 38 and the other is 34) I am amazed (thinking of all those couple who struggle to have children) as we both know the exact date that we had sex to create them. So, we have not had sex since 9 February 1984. My wife prefers it this way. Me? I’m destroyed.
rly sad. i have similar situation in my marriage…but even worse .. no sex an my wife does not love me any more…thats what i feel
It seems to me if your wives prefer no sex them they are unfaithful in a different way. My wife, even in our dark years, would never have withheld sex completely. She knows I’d leave her.
You are right on. No man feels more like a man than he sees himself in his wife’s eyes than when he is intimate with her. A wife can make a man or break a man by her response and she promised to be a wife to him come what may the day of their wedding. Anything less is desertion and requiring any sort of payment for sex cheapens herself to both of them. There is no vacation from sex due to age or attitude or disappointment; sex is an appetite and married folks are responsible to meet the needs of their spouse.
Yo también deseo conocer más sobre la vida interior y emocional de los hombres,agradezco al señor haber conocido su libro sólo para mujeres,un regalo de mi hija se que para ayudar a que este mejor conmigo misma y que el señor pueda arreglar cosas que están mal en mi vida de pareja que creo que esta descuidada por ambos por errores de los dos.
I neglected my husband for years,then I found out about 2 affairs. I was very hurt but I realized it was my fault. He does need attention and to be felt wanted by his wife.
We have been married 58 years. We still have sex several times a week. Yes, more than I want, but less than my husband wants!! Often it is very exciting and passionate, some not so much. We now do different ways of satisfying.
Women have been entranced by the so called feminist movement and have desensitized men’s emotions and masculinity in the process. At the same time they think men are pigs when we need sex as an emotional component to love them better. Hello. Here’s a feminist thought for ya. You hold all the power, have sex with your f**king husbands a few times a week and see how thins work out for ya. You’d be surprised how you’d man would grovel at your feet because you put an effing effort to meet his sexual needs. It’s not rice science. Geepers. But wives mine included make it seem like such an effing chore.