Dating and Waiting—What Really Gives your Girlfriend a Sense of Security (part 2)

At a recent event, I met a young man who was in his late twenties. He said he had been dating a “great girl” for about 18 months. After asking me a few questions about our relationship research, he mentioned that he and his girlfriend were probably headed toward marriage at some point.

I had a question of my own. “Have you talked about that with her?”

He hesitated. “Not really. I don’t want to mess with her heart, you know?”

I had to force myself to not react, even as I thought to myself: Not talking about it is probably what is messing with her heart!

“I’m curious,” I said. “After a fairly long period of dating, what is holding you back from actually getting engaged?”

His answers came quickly and confidently: He had recently switched careers. He was learning a whole new industry. It would be a while before he was financially stable. He was earning less than she was at the moment.

He’d clearly thought about the issue in depth. And every single reason was financial.

Then he said something that, to him, was obvious: “Well, of course I want to wait another year or so to get engaged. Until I know for sure I can provide.”

He looked at me as if I would nod in agreement. Instead, I said something that surprised him.

The lesson for dating or engaged men

In part 1 of this two-part series I outlined a key lesson many women grapple with during dating. But as Jeff and I have spent time with so many young adults lately—dating, engaged, or just stepping into marriage—it has become clear there’s a corresponding lesson many men need to learn, too.

While young women are often wrestling with questions about when things will move forward, we see young men often wrestling with a very different question:

When am I actually ready?

And it turns out: What he thinks he needs to be “ready” and what she is looking for are often two very different things. The good news is: Truly learning her heart well during this “pre-marriage” phase has the potential to shape the marriage itself well for years to come.

Guys, if you are in this phase, here’s the lesson—the one that surprised that twenty-something man I was talking with: What your girlfriend is most looking for is probably not financial security—it is emotional security and closeness with you.

Until you understand that, you may unintentionally delay the very thing she is longing for … while thinking you are doing it for her.

This isn’t just anecdotal. This is something Jeff and I have seen consistently in our research with single, dating and married women, especially for our books For Men Only and Thriving in Love and Money.

For example, when women on a nationally representative survey were forced to choose between two difficult options—financial struggles or lack of closeness in their relationship—70% chose financial struggles.

That’s how important emotional security is.

This does not mean that financial responsibility doesn’t matter. Of course it does! Remember, even though they were in the minority, 30% of women prioritized finances. Also, most men want to provide—and if you don’t seem to care about that, that’s going to be a huge red flag for her.

But if your pursuit of financial security delays or replaces emotional connection, it is likely to make her feel far less secure, not more.

And that brings us to three crucial sub-lessons.

1. Emotional security is spelled T-I-M-E and A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N

Many guys have told me, “I know women want security.” But when I ask them what that means, they think “security” equates to“financial security.” (As Jeff asked me when we first started on our research, “What else is there?”)

If you’re a guy who is in that single, dating or pre-married phase, you want to provide security, so you probably are working hard to get financially stable. But it’s important to be just as intentional about practicing the things that provide emotional security for a woman. Because that will matter for the rest of your lives. For most women, security will probably always mean things like time together to stay connected, conversations to learn one another, shared experiences, and feeling prioritized.

So, if you’re waiting to move forward until you can provide more financially, but are creating distance, uncertainty, or silence in the process, you may be unintentionally undermining the very security you’re trying to build.

2. Silence does not protect her heart—it creates uncertainty

Remember what that young man told me? “I don’t want to mess with her heart.”

That instinct—to protect—is a really good one. It reflects care and responsibility. But a lack of clarity can feel far more unsettling to a woman than an imperfect plan.

When a relationship is serious and moving forward, a woman is likely asking herself whether you feel the same way she does, and whether you see a good possibility of a future together. And when those questions go unanswered, it doesn’t feel protective at all. It feels uncertain.

Even small signals of direction—such as honest conversations and questions about the future, even in broad terms—can dramatically increase her sense of security.

You don’t have to have everything figured out. But at some point, you do have to give her some clues about where she stands, beyond “Hey, we see each other every day, right?”

And if YOU are so uncertain that you don’t think you want to clarify where she stands . . . well, that is where you have to have the courage to let her know that too. It’s the opposite of protection to string her along because you like hanging out with her but really don’t see a future together. That is actually playing with her heart.

3. Starting and building together probably matters more than starting fully prepared

One of the biggest mindset shifts for many people is this: Marriage is not something you have to be fully ready for on your own—it is something you build together.

Many men feel like they need to get established, be stable and have everything lined up before taking the next step. And sure, there will be some women for whom that really matters.

But as long as the right character is there, most women are not looking for a finished product. They are instead looking for a man who says: “Let’s build this together.”

The truth about marriage is that there will neverbe a point when you feel like you have “arrived” and have it all together. You will always be learning one another. Always adapting to the storms of life.

Readiness isn’t primarily about a number in your bank account, but about prayerfully taking the step, and then fully committing to one another no matter what comes.

As I said in part 1, dating isn’t just about choosing the right person. It’s also about becoming the right person.

For women, that often means learning to trust.

For men, it often means learning what creates security.

And because those steps deeply touch the other person’s heart, practicing them will yield benefits for your marriage for a lifetime.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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