4 Ways to Practice Kindness Every Day

Imagine you and I are sipping coffee, just chatting away, when all of a sudden I ask you, “Do you think you’re a kind person?”

How would you respond? (If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you might suspect it’s a setup!) Still, if I had to guess, you’d probably say, “Oh yes, I always try to be kind.”

But then you’d remember yesterday …

… when your children clamored around you the moment you got home (late) from work, saying they were hungry, and you irritably told them you had a bad day, and they would get dinner when they got dinner.

… or when you made the passive-aggressive comment to your spouse, who forgot to go by the store on the way home.

… or when you wouldn’t let that car merge in front of you because you were running late for work.

We’ve all been there. None of us intentionally tries to be unkind. Most of us are just tired or busy or both, and this leaves very little margin in our lives to actively be the kindest version of ourselves. Regular followers of the blog won’t be surprised by the finding from my research for The Kindness Challenge that we often think we are kinder than we really are.

The good news is that’s not a life sentence. It’s a starting point. Kindness can be practiced.

To get you started, here are four simple kindness practices you can try this week—even when you’re stressed, tired, or dealing with difficult people. In our research for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, we found these practices help rewire your brain toward awareness and skill in kindness. Give one or more of them a try. My research (and much research from others) shows that you’ll not only change, but the relationship you’re working on likely will, too.

Kindness Practice #1: Perform small acts of service for someone.

We often think acts of kindness need to be big, bold, public acts of service. But that’s not always the case. A small act of kindness is no less kind. In fact, in thinking about how you can put this into practice, answer this question: “What’s one small thing I could do that would make someone’s day lighter?”

• Is it doing one of the chores your spouse usually does to take something off their plate?
• Is it bringing coffee to your coworker who had a rough day yesterday?
• Is it watching your exhausted friend’s kids for an afternoon so she can catch up on sleep?

These might not seem like a big deal in the moment, but imagine the roles were reversed. Wouldn’t it be meaningful if someone did those things for you?

Kindness Practice #2: Give or share something precious to you.

When we talk about giving or sharing, we usually think of material things. Like giving your spouse the last chocolate chip cookie (even though you’ve been dreaming it since breakfast). But when it comes to practicing kindness, we can share more than just possessions.

Our time, our attention, and our praise are all things we can give to others.

A friend of mine enjoys receiving words of affirmation. Of all five love languages (to find out about the five love language of apology, catch our recent podcast with Dr. Gary Chapman), words of affirmation tops her list. But she started to notice that when other people were receiving praise around her, feelings of jealousy swelled inside. She didn’t want to feel these negative feelings, so after praying about it, she felt challenged to start focusing more on giving words of affirmation to others and focusing less on trying to get others to affirm her.

Almost immediately, she noticed a difference. Not only did she have the opportunity to build others up and cheer them on, but she also watched feelings of contentment replace feelings of jealousy.

With this in mind, ask yourself this question: “What do I treat as ‘mine’ that could become a gift to someone else?”

Kindness Practice #3: Focus attention on the other person and be approachable.

When was the last time you were talking to someone, but you could tell they weren’t really present? Maybe they were looking at their phone while you were talking, or the tone of their voice sounded disinterested. That’s frustrating. We’ve all been there. (And if I’m being honest, I know there have been plenty of times I’ve been the distracted one.)

There’s a communication model we should be aware of, called Mehrabian’s Rule, developed by researcher Albert Mehrabian. According to his research and formula, communication of feelings and attitudes is composed of 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% spoken words. Essentially, when you’re having an emotional conversation with someone, and your words are at odds with your demeanor, your words don’t matter very much. Your facial expressions and tone matter far more.

How does this relate to kindness? Being kind isn’t just about what we say. It’s about ensuring your face and your tone are also present, focused, and approachable—because otherwise, your kids or your colleague will know you aren’t any of those things. Practically, this looks like making eye contact with the person you’re talking to. Use their name when you speak to them. Smile. Uncross your arms. Put your phone away. Be curious.

None of these steps are difficult to implement, but they take practice. And they make a huge difference in how people experience your kindness in conversation.

Kindness Practice #4: Tell the other person what you need.

I love a romantic comedy just as much as the next person. But they’ve skewed our expectations in relationships!

For example, when was the last time you watched a rom-com and the lead character had to ask for what they needed? It just doesn’t happen. Instead, the lead’s love interest seems to know all the right things to say and do. When to send the flowers. How to have the meaningful conversations. And a sixth sense of how and when to ask, “What’s wrong, honey?”

Our real-life dating or marriage partners aren’t mind-readers. We have relationships with human beings. Imperfect, flawed, sometimes confused (and confusing!) human beings.

However, that doesn’t mean we have to live in a state of frustration and disappointment. In fact, we can try this idea on for kindness. Simply tell the other person what you need.

I know it doesn’t sound as sexy. But trust me, it works.

It can be as simple as, “I’m feeling _____, and I need _____.” Perhaps add an affirmation, “And I’m mentioning this because I know you care.” Make a specific request. Make it small. And don’t make it a personal critique. Remember, we’re working on practicing kindness here, not criticism. If you’re having trouble pinpointing what you would say, ask yourself this question: “What need have I been hinting at instead of naming?”

So there you have it. Four simple steps to expressing kindness. Pick one to do this week, and then set a reminder on your phone or ask a friend for accountability so you follow through. And remember, a small kindness is still kindness. If you’re willing to practice it, it will change the tone of any relationship—and your own heart.

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If you realize you may need to do a bit more work on actually being as kind as you think you are-—and want to be—take the Kindness Quotient assessment to see what you most need to work on. Then try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge as a highly effective bootcamp for kindness, which is also likely to improve your relationships and your own mental and emotional health.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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