Thoughts from the Mother of the Bride (Me!)

Lost in decisions about faux greenery and glass floating candles, I’m navigating territory that so many of you—my longtime readers—have already traveled.

I’m the mother of the bride.

Our only daughter, our firstborn, is getting married in a matter of weeks. She’s the one who made me a mom, and Jeff a dad. She was the little peanut who, adorably, sucked her two middle fingers instead of her thumb. She was the 13-year-old who asked her male classmates about the 8^th grade engineering elective only to be told “That class is for boys. Girls take Choir.” (Guess which elective she chose?!) She was the 20-year-old who drove home from college (ahem, in an engineering program) just to bring me ice cream (Peppermint Stick, my favorite) and hang out when I was recovering from surgery.

And she’s been dating this wonderful guy, Ben, for almost five years now. So, of course she should be getting married!

It’s just that … I didn’t expect so many waterworks.

While our incredible venue Koury Farms has helped us find vendors from the baker to the photographer, there’s just so much emotion wrapped up in every decision. I have to admit, that has blown me back a bit—which is surprising, because the fact that we’re planning a wedding is anything but surprising.

Morgen and Ben met online and in their first message exchange, Morgen bluntly stated that she was looking for a Christian who had a sincere faith. Ben messaged back, “Does it help that I want to be a youth pastor?”  Uh… yes!!  Just a few days later, Morgen and Ben’s first actual conversation (via FaceTime) was two and a half hours long.

Since then, Jeff and I have been praying and waiting to see what God would do. We’ve watched them grow up together. Ben has long been a feature in family photos (against the advice of friends who said, “Don’t let a boyfriend appear in photos until a ring appears on her finger!”) Jeff and I have just imagined him for years now as the young man who would become our son-in-law. They’ll get married on the exact five-year mark of being boyfriend and girlfriend. Nothing about their engagement is unexpected.

What’s startling is how constant and intense my emotions are. They’re a surprising swirl of wistfulness, gratitude, and excitement. All you moms who have planned weddings, you know.

Anyway, I thought I would interrupt our regular blog programming to just get a little bit newsy with you. Here are some of the things I’m experiencing in the final run-up to my daughter’s wedding.

Firsts are fun!

It might come as a shock to some of you, but this is the first wedding I’ve planned. But you’re married! And you’re a marriage researcher! I know, I know. I have expertise in the marriage part, but not the wedding planning part. The fall that Jeff and I got married, I finished grad school in Boston in June, immediately moved to New York to start a job on Wall Street, and had a September wedding date in my hometown of Washington, D.C. Can you imagine planning a wedding from afar in the middle of all of that?  Well, I didn’t have to. My mom and my amazing friend Liz gave me the greatest gift. They planned my entire wedding.

And now the shoe is on the other foot! I’ve been very hands-on with details for the wedding … not because I’m Momzilla, but because Morgen has a demanding job as a supply chain engineer and has been working very long hours, often out of state. So, with her guidance and blessing, I’ve been immersed in a world of cakes, floral color, décor, reception layouts, catering, and dozens more details. And let me tell you … it has made me so much more grateful for the incredible gift that my own mom and Liz gave me.

I didn’t know at the time all that they were doing, or how emotional the whole thing would be for my mother. I thought I did … but I was clueless. As moms we always have this concept of our kids one day understanding how much we sacrificed. Well, as a now 50-something “kid,” I have newfound appreciation for my mom.

I’m grabbing all the ‘mom moments’ I can.

In the process of all of this, I’ve noticed something about myself. I’m cherishing all the mom moments. Not because they’re going away (although I know they will change once Morgen is married), but because I did miss out on some of them.

I have always been a working mom. Being an author and speaker gave me more flexibility in some ways. I got to take the cupcakes to school for my kids’ birthdays, and be an enthusiastic volleyball and track parent. But there were a lot of mom things I missed out on, especially when I was out on the road. It was only because Jeff is supportive and loved being a hands-on dad that our family life even worked!

Jeff and I both felt God leading us this ministry, so it’s not really regret that I’m expressing. If anything, looking back has just helped me cherish the ability to do “mom things” now. I am absolutely enjoying the opportunity to go back and forth with the baker about cake design or to help make decisions between tea candles or tall candles. Sure, I’m also on a book deadline and wondering how on earth I’m going to make it all work … but I don’t care! I’m fully immersed in the wedding even when I should be writing, because it’s the “mom stuff” my daughter needs me to do right now, and it brings me such joy.

I’m not sure what’s next, but I know it’s going to be good.

Morgen and I have arrived in that place in our relationship where we’re friends. We cry over movies together. I went shopping with her to help her find her first work clothes. She helps me find my work clothes. I’m excited about all that’s ahead for her. I may also be nervously excited for the change this will usher into our relationship.

I almost feel sometimes like Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia 2 (one of the movies Morgen and I laugh and cry about). There’s this poignant scene when Streep’s character, visible to the audience but unseen to the daughter, is just surrounding her, so full of love for the life change her daughter is experiencing. Her affection is palpable. The daughter doesn’t have a full view into the mom’s presence, but the mom feels every bit of the emotion of the moment.

That’s what I see when I look at Morgen. This beautiful person God gave to me and Jeff is moving into a new phase of life. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. I feel an intensity of emotion. But it’s not grief or sorrow.

It’s incredible gratitude. And love. And excitement for all that is to come.

Moms who have been there, comment on our socials (Instagram or Facebook) about how you navigated the days before and after your own kids’ weddings. I’d love to read your insights and revel in the goodness of it all with you.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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