Has Holiday Spending Got You Sideways with your Spouse? Here’s Help!

It all started with a gleeful, almost giddy grin. I came home from grocery shopping to find Jeff slack-jawed over the neighbor’s high-powered backpack leaf blower. “This is awesome,” he said, looking at the machinery like it was the Mona Lisa. If you’ve ever heard Jeff at one of our marriage weekends, you can “hear” the emphasis on awe and picture his ear-to-ear delight.

His joy brought me such joy! I pictured him trading in his rake (which requires hours of time to gather leaves in our suburban yard) for the air volume and speed of this blower. So, I got the model details from my neighbor, waited for a Black Friday sale, and bought one for Jeff for Christmas.

And then the mental dominoes started to fall.

The leaf blower was a much larger purchase than we make without discussing it first, yet because it was a Christmas-and-birthday gift I decided to just … go ahead and do it.  And then there’s that little thing I’ve shared with you before about how I tend to be the spender and Jeff tends to be the saver. Would my “generosity” cause him to feel like he had to pull his belt tight and save extra for the next several months? He’s already been working long hours to support the ministry. How would I handle it if he wanted to return the blower? Would that crush my joy? How would he handle it if he wanted to return it, but didn’t? Would he feel resentment?

Goodness. All of this? About a leaf blower?

I’m embellishing the possible rabbit trails just a bit to prove a point. Worries like these are always about more than a leaf blower or money. It’s about all the emotional stuff going on under the surface.

Thankfully, Jeff loves the leaf blower. As soon as our dreary, rainy weather dries up, he’s going to free our yard from the oppression of leaf accumulation! But our holiday scenario got me thinking: Now might be a good time to revisit three key principles for navigating the big emotions that accompany money decisions—especially if Christmas-gift ramifications or debt have caused “issues” after the holidays.

1. Realize you won’t always value what your spouse values (and vice versa).

In our leaf blower scenario, I placed high value on saving time and labor for Jeff, who tends to our yard without complaint even in humid Atlanta summers. Jeff, meanwhile, places a high value on making sure we’re setting ourselves up for our future with adequate savings.

In the push-pull of this we must stop sometimes and remember our own research for Thriving in Love & Money. One of the main things that gets us sideways with each other is that we simply aren’t valuing what our spouse is valuing. In fact, a really striking stat from our research revealed that when it comes to making a large purchase, 67% of spouses feel privately that “their partner isn’t thinking about all the important factors.” In other words, for two-thirds of couples, both people likely think that their mate is not necessarily spending the money “right” or well.

Enter, condescension, resentment, and problems if we don’t right the ship quickly and move on to point number 2.

2. It’s important to honor what your spouse values, even if you don’t agree.

There’s a value underneath our spending. Next time you’re in a twist about how to spend money, simply stop to ask your spouse: “Is this a value thing?” In other words, “Is there something that matters to you that I might not be aware of?”

This reminds me of a fairly well-off couple we interviewed for a focus group early in our research for Thriving in Love & Money. She spent money on a gym membership, which her husband deemed “frivolous” and wanted her to drop, since they already had access to a gym at their golf club. Meanwhile, he brought on an automated golf caddy, which she literally called a golf “robot,” with detectable disdain. Neither could see the value in each other’s priorities.

When our conversation probed deeper, she said through tears that the gym was where her friends worked out, and it was close to the kids’ preschool. So, she could get a break from the kids, a workout, and time with friends all in one. Meanwhile, he defended the $1,200 golf caddy as something that would pay for itself (through no cart fees), and it enhanced his joy from the one recreational activity that helped him wind down from work.

Each activity was about more than “frivolous” fees or “robots.” It was about the emotions running under the surface of those purchases. And each spouse wanted the other to try to understand them.  So, stopping to ask our spouse, “Is this a value thing?” can help us get closer to their heart. And then once we try to understand rather than dismiss it can draw us closer. Think how different things would go if the husband from earlier said something like, “I didn’t understand before that the other gym wasn’t just a place to do cardio; it was just as much about connecting with your friends. I know you need that. Maybe we can find other tradeoffs in the budget.”

3. It’s good to be willing to reexamine what you value.

Our values aren’t iron-clad reflections of all that is true and right and good in the world. In fact, the ancient prophet Jeremiah sobers us with this poignant reminder and question: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, NIV).

If we’ve turned a value into something that’s jealously guarded or a non-negotiable, it might be time to reexamine whether it’s a value or an idol. Ouch. I know.

If those of us who hold to the Christian faith believe “it’s all God’s” but then behave like “it’s all ours,” our values will benefit from prayer (to ask God what His priorities are) and humility (to readjust as necessary).

It’s also okay to admit that our values change over time. The woman in her 20s who went to a budget hair cutting shop might see the value of paying for a cut and color in her 50s from a skilled stylist. A man who used to obsess on retiring as a multi-millionaire might let that go, realizing he wouldn’t trade the family vacations when the kids were at home for all the bank account zeroes in the world. A couple that was saving for an RV might agree that supporting a charitable cause is where their savings will have greater impact.

In the end, honesty and communication around what we value can sweep condescension and resentment out of our marriages faster than Jeff’s fancy new backpack blower.

And if you’d like more tips and tricks to help you navigate the tension around money that 92% of couples face, pick up our book Thriving in Love & Money or invite Jeff and I to come to your church to share our findings on how money can be a source of connection rather than conflict.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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