6 Ways To Help Kids Manage Their Online Lives (Part 2)

Have you ever joked that your child’s cellphone has practically become an additional appendage?

You’re not far off.

As I mentioned in last week’s part 1  of this two-part series, data shows that children ages 8 to 18 now spend 7.5 hours watching or using screens per day. Over a ten-year span, that’s 27,375 hours (more than three years!) of their lives. And one of the key reasons is that we have drastically limited their ability to have completely unstructured free time exploring the neighborhood with friends—so they are looking for freedom online. Is it so surprising that when so much of their “free” time taken up by adult-organized activities (sports, theater, volunteer work) that they would be enticed by phones, tablets, computers, video games, and virtual reality?

We want better for them. But some of us are understandably stuck on what to do and how to get there.

Since the decision-making centers of their brains are still developing into their twenties, our kids need our help to navigate both the addictive allure of their phones and the addictive nature of the freedom they crave (see part 1 for more on this). The good news is, there are steps all parents can take right away to help kids tame the tech—and put it in the proper place in their lives.

Here are six actions you can take starting today.

Action #1: Set a good example

According to a survey from Pew Research Center, nearly half of teens say their parent is at least sometimes distracted by their own phone when they’re trying to talk to them. Our kids not only notice our phone use, but they are taking their cues from it, too.

What are we modeling for our kids when we half listen to them, put them off because an almighty notification pings, or return “just one more work email.”  And oh, how I so personally know the answer to that question: no matter how we frame it, we are signaling that our kids are less important. I have years of regrets for the times when I didn’t just chatter away with my kids as we were driving to the grocery store rather than trying to sneak in another work call on the way. How I hope that the current attention to this risk will help other parents avoid the same mistake.

Action #2: Understand your child’s need for independence

As mentioned in part 1 of this series, freedom is almost like a drug to teens and tweens. So much so, that their fear of losing it is intense, and they’ll hide things from you in order to keep it (83% of the kids we surveyed for our book For Parents Only admitted as much).

Understanding this can help you set expectations and guardrails that keep them safe without stepping on their fear triggers about losing freedom. And it is important to know what they view as their most precious freedoms.

For example, if their cell phone is their top freedom, let them know that they will only lose that for the most serious infractions. So, if they get swept up in a secondhand way into a cyberbullying situation at school, you will help them navigate the problem without removing their phone privilege. (But if they are the main bully…. bye bye, phone.)

Action #3: Promote free, unsupervised play

Parents, we’ve seen (and perhaps jokingly embraced) the memes about helicopter parenting. Some of us have even become snowplow parents—trying to remove every obstacle from our children’s paths. (Again: I’m so guilty.)

But it’s healthy for our kids to encounter obstacles. It’s good for them to get in conflicts and then learn how to resolve them on the playground. It’s time for us to let our kids explore unsupervised play. This is how they find the freedom they crave, while encountering risks and problem-solving opportunities when the stakes are low.

Remember the 60% of parents who said it was likely their 10-year-olds would get hurt if they went to the park alone? Well . . . yeah, they might. It’s not likely, but it could happen. Yet that is precisely the type of situation that earlier generations had to figure out how to solve—learning in the process that they could solve problems. When your son’s friend falls off the playground equipment and seems to have badly hurt his wrist, what would it do for your child to learn that he can be the hero by helping his friend get home? How might it grow him to have to make decisions about what’s really important? Like: leaving my scooter here might mean it gets stolen, but helping my friend get home is more important.

No AI avatar can help stand in for flesh-and-blood friends who protect each other, solve problems, and get into fights (and resolve them) together.

Action #4: Do not allow phones in kids’ bedrooms at night.

This should be an easy one. We should insist that our kids power down and dock their devices physically outside of their bedrooms (preferably in your bedroom, so they can’t sneak access to it). No exceptions. They need sleep—and digital devices are robbing them of it.

A 2023 report found that six out of ten kids ages 11 to 17 checked their phones between midnight and 5 a.m. on school nights. Read that again, slowly, and recognize just how much our kids need our help to not check their phones. Further, an analysis of 20 studies found that kids who used their devices right before sleep, compared to those who didn’t, were 44% more likely not to sleep enough and 51% more likely not to sleep well.

Action #5: Support measures to ban or restrict phones during school

This map from Newsweek shows states that ban or restrict smartphone use at school. Even if your state has not taken formal measures to ban phones, you can contact your local school or school board.

According to Pew, 72% of high school teachers say cell phone distraction during school hours is a major problem. With teenagers getting a median of 273 notifications a day, it’s no wonder they’re distracted from what they’re at school to do—learn. Restricting phones is not a magic bullet (many kids just open their laptops and start real-time chats on Google docs instead!) but it’s a start.

Action #6: Seriously consider a full ‘Digital Detox’

Author Molly DeFrank recommends a two-week digital detox from all tech devices—followed by the reintroduction of tech in a way that makes sense for your family. I can almost hear what some of you are saying on this—it’s the same thing I would say. “There will be adolescent anarchy! There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth! In my house, going cold turkey from tech is not going to happen.”

But what if you got your kids back?

That makes two weeks seem like a minor time commitment, doesn’t it?

DeFrank writes, “Of the families who used my plan and reported results back to me, 100% experienced a dramatic and positive change by the end of two weeks.”

In an interview for this piece, she sharpened the point: “What most parents have tried to do instead is take away screen time. They’ll subtract 30 minutes for bad behavior and give it back for good behavior.” Yet, she explained, this just tinkers in small ways with the feel-good dopamine hits that social media and videos release into the brain.

“The reason the detox works is it reboots the dopamine in their brains,” she says.

Doing this might be hard. You’ll have to help your kids brainstorm replacement activities over that two-week span. Maybe make a robot or blanket fort. Write a play to act out as a family. Invite their friends over to catch bugs or climb trees or build ramps for skateboarding in the street.

If we’re honest, mom and dad, wouldn’t we rather have our kids navigating physical risk, problem-solving, and scraped knees than have them turning to the seductive risk of AI avatars because they’re lonely? Don’t we want them to excel in life skills rather than turning solely to games or virtual “realities” that allow them to “level up” on everything except real life?

As DeFrank put it, “We’re our kids’ tour guides in this wild and crazy world, and there’s so much we can help them see.”

For more insight into the hearts and minds of your teenagers on everything from freedom to mood swings to why they feel like they can’t talk to you, pick up my book For Parents Only.

For the brave souls out there who have tried to cut, curb or bribe with screen time and feel ready for a total tech reset, pick up Molly DeFrank’s book Digital Detox.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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