The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3)

This is Part 3 of a three-part series on a crucial and often-overlooked way that we women can find peace instead of stress in our lives.

In Part 1 and Part 2 we talked about the contentment we can find when we work with, rather than against, our seasons of life. But what do we do if we just don’t want to work with those seasons?

Most of us have been there. We pout with our arms crossed and ask: So am I supposed to make a choice to NOT accept that amazing opportunity at work, just to prioritize something else? (Time to pursue dating opportunities, be with the kids, or care for elderly parents…) No, thank you very much.

Or maybe we’re just in a difficult season that we wish would end. Or maybe a gripping sense of FOMO tricks us into thinking we’ll miss out—and so we say indiscriminate “yeses” because we’re too afraid to say “no,” and then we’re back to being too busy and stressed.

In all these cases, familiar words from Romans can help: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2 NIV, emphasis added.)

So maybe it’s time to change and transform our minds. Because that is what will help us embrace the season we are in. Let’s look at three crucial mindset shifts that will help us transform our thinking.

Mindset shift #1: Know you are not “missing out”

While creating the Find Balance bible study I found that many of us struggle with accepting and making choices that work for our life season because we fear missing out on other options. Yes, FOMO is real! In fact … it is as old as the garden of Eden.

At the very beginning, the serpent tempted Eve in the garden in the exact same way he tempts us today. He points at the one thing God asks us to say no to, and whispers in our ears: You’re missing something. God is withholding something. The grass is greener over there. Just try it. You don’t want to miss out, do you?

So what do we do with that? We remind ourselves that fear (including FOMO!) is always driven out by one thing—God’s perfect love. We remember that God’s heart for us is good. That just as in the garden of Eden, He has surrounded us with vast abundance that He wants us to enjoy! It changes everything when we realize that, by creating seasons and designing us for them, God is not trying to keep us boxed in and missing out. He’s trying to ensure that we thrive!

If we bow to His ways, we’ll discover we’re not missing something, we’re finding something!!  All that vast abundance He has for us—especially peace, rest, and joy.

Thus, making that proactive (and sometimes hard) choice (see Part 2 ) is not just a choice against something—it is a choice for something. We may be flattered to be asked to serve on a leadership team at church. But if we sense the Holy Spirit redirecting our efforts to spend more time with our spouse, we can joyfully say no to the church invitation knowing the Lord is not asking us to “miss out” on a good thing—rather He’s inviting us to another really good thing. A strong marriage!

Mindset shift #2: Resist the “if-onlys”

One certain way to sabotage the joy of making proactive choices and living fully where we are is to let the “if-onlys” creep in. What do those sound like?

• regret that we didn’t try to live according to our season of life a lot earlier (if only I hadn’t put off having kids for so long)
• the subtle trap of dissatisfaction with where we are (If only I had ____ I’d be happy)
• an understandable reaction to true tragedy (If only ____ hadn’t happened).

Famous novelist Joan Didion recounts how she fell into that latter trap. When her husband, author John Gregory Dunne, died shortly after Christmas 2003, Didion wrote that she came home from the emergency room and tried to carry on exactly as before. She kept her husband’s clothes and shoes in place. She left his desk untouched. Didion eventually realized that as she didn’t move past the painful “if onlys” of losing her husband, she was also not moving into her next season and living fully in it.

When we are stuck in an “if only” phase, we can move forward by accepting this truth: solving our “if only” is usually either impossible (such as a loved one’s death) or would probably not offer the lasting fulfillment we’re aiming for anyway (such as finally having this or that opportunity). As I wrote in Life Ready Woman, if we are going to thrive, we have to honestly acknowledge our current season—even if is a difficult one that we are very eager to leave  behind.

Mindset shift #3: Focus on what you do have

Have you ever heard of Missing Tile Syndrome? People will walk into a room, glance up at the ceiling, and notice one tile is missing rather than noticing the beautiful patterns of all the other intact tiles. It’s a psychological phenomenon where people notice the thing that’s wrong rather than all the things that are right.

It’s the same with the mosaic of our lives. Sometimes the accolades of the business world seem way more tempting than changing diapers or making another plate of chicken nuggets. Or maybe our family needs the income from our job, yet we look longingly at the other moms playing in the park with their kids. Either way, focusing on what we can’t or don’t have is making us miserable and taking away the joy of what we do have.

I know a woman who loves running races. (I know, a little crazy, right?) She put training on the back burner when her children were young, devoting time to caring for them—and gratefully squeezing out a quick trot around the neighborhood when her husband was home to help. When her kids started school, she trained a bit more and ran a half marathon. Now in her mid-50s and an empty nester, she has time to train for half marathons to her heart’s content. She uses God’s gift of continued health and athleticism to fundraise for her favorite ministries. All along the way, it made a huge difference that she focused on what she did have in each season.

Friends, in the end, if we decide to trust God with our seasons of life, we’ll see how trustworthy He is. He’s been with us before and He’ll be with us again. Our best bet is to focus on what God wants us to do now and embrace the beauty of our current season. Even if we are not all called to run half marathons – thankfully.

To explore more on this topic and others, consider Find Balance, an 8-week, video-guided Bible study. You’ll learn how to experience more of life, create biblical balance, and develop a personal plan for fulfilling your unique callings designed just for you by God. It’s the perfect summer or fall study with friends!

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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