Make His Day By Doing This In the Bedroom
What would you say if I told you that you could do one thing tonight in the bedroom for your husband that would most likely MAKE HIS DAY (or week or month)?
Keep the lights on during sex.
Did I just hear a collective gasp out there from women who are cringing at the thought of exposing, well . . . we all know what we don’t love exposing! Especially after several years and babies and let’s be honest—gravity. But before you totally tune me out, read on about why I’m suggesting this simple yet potentially nerve-wracking idea for your intimate time with your husband.
In all my years of researching the things our husbands wish we knew but don’t know how to say, I heard the heart behind this wish—and saw 5 surprising reasons our husbands want us to take the risk of keeping those lights ON:
Reason #1: When He Knows You Want Him, It Increases Intimacy
A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.
Reason #2: When You Trust Him, It Leads To True Oneness
Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights . . . because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or least-favorite features loom large in our minds. But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.
Reason #3: He Is Visual
Yes, this has been stated many times, but there’s a key reason it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.
Reason #4: He Delights In Knowing He Has Delighted You
The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied—or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to see his wife’s reactions in some way.
Reason #5: You May Find It Isn’t As Big A Risk As You Think
Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw with their own eyes that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.
So ladies, I encourage you to try this simple (yet brave) move. Your husband wants to love and adore you—all the while being able to SEE you. I’ll bet the response you get will be one of absolute delight!
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
I often take the risk of keeping the lights on during intimacy which leads to deeper connection emotionally, but now it’s a struggle. Two years ago, I had my breasts removed due to cancer. The scars will never be attractive in a sexual way and the function breasts served in enhancing intimacy is gone. My husband loves me very much and this is just one of those things I need God to help me with. Prosthetics are great under clothing, but feeling beautiful during intimacy is a challenge. This is something God has to do. Please pray for me.
Suzette,
What I hear in your comment about keeping the lights on is… you know he is into porn and you are competing with the women he is looking at and fantasizing with. My thought is if you keep diligently pursuing him with a bit of consistency you will win him back. It’s very true about the visual phenomenon men experience. I fortunately do not struggle with porn, it does not mean that I have not viewed it at times. I will say though, that the pornographic images your husband sees do remain in his mind for some time.
So if you think the “real” thing you are expressing to him done with the lights are not better than porn, I think you are mistaken. You don’t have to keep the lights on every time, however a little imagination will go a long way for you to stay etched in his mind.
This is dumb that you assume her husband is into porn.
“And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.”
I do not see how this could be true for those of us who aren’t good enough to compete with images of near perfection. Many times I have felt like “why would I want to show him what he is stuck with, as opposed to letting him just imagine it is better than I know it could ever be.”
Sad,
This problem most likely is in your imagination, not your husband’s. I think that if you allow him to see you in lovemaking, all those other images will fade away very quickly. He wants _you_, the one he loves and married, not the images. He wants to know all of you and that you trust him. The false allure of pornography to a man is availability, and you are to that extent, remaining unavailable.
Fantastic article! I totally agree! It’s time for everyone, even Christians, to enjoy one of the greatest gifts God has given to marriage! Thank you for sharing!