Male-Bashing: It’s All In Good Fun. Right?
Our staff meets weekly at a local cafe. I love the breakfast food, the kind servers, and the familiarity of our home office away from home. Recently, though, I saw this new sign posted near the back wall to help customers find the bathrooms … and my heart sank.
It seemed funny, at first. Then the impact sunk in.
Seeing the sign reminded me of a time I was heading to the airport to speak on a Christian women’s cruise. (Hardship duty, I know.) On the radio, a woman on a bank commercial was saying something like, “Girl, I don’t have time to worry about my banking. I mean, I have two kids — well, three if you count my husband!”
Having spent so many years on the research for For Women Only, and having seen the surprisingly sensitive hearts that beat inside the men and boys in our lives, it made me mad. Why is it okay to bash men?
When I boarded the cruise and first spoke at a workshop for about 500 women, I mentioned that radio ad. It was fresh on my mind, and a concrete example of how our culture so easily disrespects men, and how painful it is to our men. That night, I gave a different talk to the entire boat of about 1500 women. As I left the stage, the singer for the evening walked on. The first words out of her mouth? “I’m so happy to be with you all! My name is so-and-so, I’m from such-and-such city, and I’ve got three kids — four if you count my husband.”
You could hear a third of the crowd gasp, as the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Right in front of us, we witnessed how easily — without thinking about it — we can make “jokes” that are actually cruel and male-bashing. Even in the church. Even from a wonderful, godly leader.
How should we respond to these remarks? What is the impact on the men in our lives? Keep reading for more.
These comments hurt husbands and sons
We often miss these statements. But men hear (or see) these sentiments of inadequacy and idiocy multiple times a week. And they either make their skin crawl or make them feel beaten down constantly.
And ladies — it’s not just impacting our husbands. Think about what our sons are absorbing about themselves. We want a society of strong, capable men — but we raise boys who are told over and over again that they are worthy of ridicule. It is absolutely damaging and dangerous. For men, whose self-doubt is a deep and hidden characteristic, what we think of as throwaway comments can truly cause anguish. Our sons absorb these messages too, both spoken and unspoken.
There’s a better way.
A little kindness goes a long way
In our society, kindness needs all the help it can get. One simple act can make a difference: when you see unintentional disrespect in a joke or comment, call it out. Speak up when you see male bashing. And boost the signal when you see examples of men being praised and respected in the right way. For example, this recent Amazon commercial warmed my heart. Share commercials and videos that use comedy to honor men, not tear them down.
Let’s be honest: it is probably easier to be destructive than constructive. But making the real effort — and recognizing the work of others — can help reverse the tide of unintentional disrespect toward men. And make us far more appreciative of our men and boys at the same time.
(If you are feeling a bit convicted about how you’ve been speaking to your husband or son (or about what others have been hearing you say), I strongly suggest you do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. It is, statistically, one of the best methods we’ve ever seen for stopping bad verbal habits and building great ones.)
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
I read the article in male bashing. It was interesting. It is wrong to bash anyone. I agree 100 %.
What is difficult is to watch men my husband not be mature and responsible. I think as a society men are more interested in watching football and gaining possessions. So many fathers think having a family is to be a playmate to their children and let the woman carry the load of responsibility. I think men should do more respectable meaningful actions that are praiseworthy and make a difference in this world. Then maybe they would not be made fun of. They are failing as godly fathers and husbands. I am the one teaching my son to take respectable actions , think of others first. Respect your teachers. Help others. My husband like most husbands I know. In front of the tv with his phone in hand on Twitter. Hard to respect that. And my husband is not the only man living in front of the tv and in his phone. Men are hard to respect when that’s what they do.
Tanya, I’m sorry for the situation you’re in with your husband. I don’t know what the solution for you will be, but please don’t generalize him to all men. I’ve been following a number of marriage blogs for a while now, and I see over and over, men AND women making all kinds of generalizations about the opposite sex.
Maybe your husband fits a mold in your mind because that’s what you see in him and some other men. I assure you that many, if not most, men don’t fit that stereotype. Most of the men I know don’t veg out in front of the tv, don’t get absorbed into their mobile devices, work hard at their jobs and come home and work hard at home, play with their kids but also discipline and teach them, and try to be the spiritual leaders their families want and need.
We’re far from perfect, but the general cultural attitude that men are either predators, bullies, lazy, and just plain dumb, is extremely hurtful. It may make for some laughs in a sitcom, but for men watching that, those laughs are hiding hurt and resentment.
Let’s try to identify and resolve problems as individuals, and not get lost in attitudes of “that’s just the way men (or women) are.”
It’s too late. Men are walking away. Women used to be known for kindness. Now so many women are nasty, hateful and vindictive. The calls for women to “remember their kindness” are falling on deaf ears. Unlike most mgtow people though, I don’t believe it’s feminism that’s doing this but rather the broader society that makes it so easy to belittle or crush a man or reduce him to a walking stereotype. All the constant the negativity and downputting are just water off a duck’s back as more and more men are just giving up.
True words. I went through a brief bad marriage where my “Christian” wife cheated and had a child with another man. She got rewarded and I got punished. Bashed to death as a “deadbeat dad” for not cooperating with rewarding bad behavior. Most women I told the facts to when I used to date told me I was bad for not going along with the wrong done to me and bashed me over the head. Women have gotten worse in their behavior and lonely as I have been these last 30 years, it’s so much more peaceful avoiding women beyond the “nice day” small talk. Very few women are even approachable. A mere glance at them and they yell “creep” or “weirdo”. Glad I didn’t say something offensive like hello.