The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss
One of the most controversial topics I address with women is one of the clearest findings from my anonymous nationally-representative surveys of men for books like For Women Only. Ready to hear it?
In your man’s mind, if you put an effort into taking care of yourself, it shows that you care for him – and if you don’t, he feels that you don’t care for him.
Yes, I’m going to go there.
Over the years, multiple women have confronted me about publishing this finding, furious that I would “defend such archaic demands” or “promote misogyny” or “body-shame” women. As if it wasn’t hard for me to hear this from the men, too!! I’ve struggled to stay at a healthy weight my whole adult life. When we hear that men think this way, it is easy to get defensive, because it conjures up the offensive stereotype of a “yes, dear” 1950’s housewife greeting her husband at the door in a dress and heels. Or we think it means that men only want a nice collection of body parts, and not the brain and heart inside. Or more likely, secretly, we’re most upset because we assume that if we’re not a Cosmo model, we’re not enough for our man …and we beat ourselves up about that already, thank you very much.
But I’ve discovered that none of those offensive ideas are in a man’s heart when he shares this very private but very real desire.
Here, instead, IS what is in your man’s heart in this area – even if he’ll never say so out loud.
Men feel loved when they see their wives taking care of themselves
Men feel loved when they see their wives taking care of themselves. Share on XFor fear of being misunderstood or hurting their wives’ feelings, men are largely silent about this. And that’s probably unfortunate, because it turns out this is exceptionally important to them, emotionally. Here’s the bottom line: When he sees you making an attempt to take care of yourself, he feels loved by you. To the men in my research, that means that unless you have a physical reason why this isn’t possible (which does happen sometimes), that you generally try to stay healthy and active and able to go do things together, you try to be a healthy weight (whatever is healthy for you), you care how you look around the house at times (not just out in public), and you don’t do self-destructive things. Nothing crazy – just basic self-care.
Why does this matter so much to men? The research isn’t clear. My educated guess, based on the research so far, is that it has something to do with a) the fact that romance for a guy means going out and doing things together (which requires you to have the energy and ability to do that, to some degree) and, most important, b) how highly visual men are. (The visual nature of men is a whole other topic, but if you’re curious what I mean by that, you can see more in this little book I wrote to help women understand their husbands and sons.)
Although there are always exceptions, the bottom line is that a man’s brain wiring processes the world visually and emotionally in the same way a woman’s brain process the world verbally and emotionally. Where you as a woman probably want to talk about life, his emotions, sense of desire, and sense of connectedness to his wife are strongly tied to what he sees.
A man loves his wife, regardless! But if he sees her not making an effort to take care of herself, he instinctively feels that she simply doesn’t care about him. After all, he subconsciously feels, someone with a visual brain should instinctively understand this. But because her brain (in most cases) is not wired with that visual-emotional connection, she doesn’t understand it. But he doesn’t realize that. So in his mind, if she doesn’t seem to want to make that effort, he ends with the feeling like she really doesn’t care about him in an area that “she should know” is incredibly important to him.
Men do not have unrealistic expectations for our bodies (really!)
Here’s the good news that we woman have to be willing to hear and believe: When our husbands say they love it when we make the effort to take care of ourselves, they do not have unrealistic expectations. They don’t expect us to look like we did 20 years and three kids ago. They don’t expect us to look like the Cosmo model. They don’t expect (or want!) us to go on crazy fad diets. They don’t want us to feel bad about ourselves. And they definitely don’t want us to have unrealistic expectations about what they expect.
We have to be willing to hear what our man is and isn’t saying. When a man says he cares about, ‘the effort to take care of yourself’ he means exactly that: the effort. There is no expectation of some end result that he’s secretly hoping for. It is your awareness and effort that matters. Because to him, that says “I care.”
I tested this on the survey for For Women Only, on which the men were anonymous and very, very honest. And 83% of men said that they did not secretly have some visual standard – like how their wives looked when they first met. Each man said he truly just would love for his wife to make the effort to take care of herself for him as she was today.
There really is a tender heart behind this entire notion. Your man is saying simply, “please try and do it for me.” He is touched by seeing your effort on his behalf.
He hopes you won’t be cynical (or, worse, punish him for this desire)
It’s easy to be skeptical that the effort is really what matters to your husband. It’s even easier to cynically think, he’s just saying that….but what he really wants is the cute young thing on the magazine cover. But you have to put aside your cynicism and be willing to believe that most men are men of goodwill who deeply love their wives.
Put aside your cynicism and be willing to believe that most men are men of goodwill who deeply love their wives. Share on XThe truth is that he would take you over the magazine model any day. Why? When I ask guys that question they look at me like I’m crazy. Like, “What do you mean, ‘why?!’ Because I love my wife!!”
It’s you that he loves already! He is not saying for you to become someone you’re not. He does not want to trade you in on a younger model and he doesn’t expect you to remain physically unchanged as you age.
There’s a give and take in marriage, right? There is a need to know what truly matters to your spouse on the inside, even if they will never talk about it on the outside. Don’t force your man to say this out loud (it is almost certain that he will not want to talk about it). And certainly, don’t make him think you are dismissing something that matters to him by assuming it is something it’s not (misogyny, a selfish demand, unrealistic expectations, etc.). Instead, just be willing to be consider what you can continue to do as a lifestyle of self-care that should matter to all of us anyway.
It matters to him in the same way his effort (perhaps in other areas) matters to you!
Think about it from another perspective—what makes you feel loved?
Does it matter if your husband makes an effort to do something that makes you feel loved, even if the results aren’t ultra-elaborate and huge? For example, when he plans a special date night for you out of the blue, isn’t that what matters, rather than the amount of money he spends? More than the “results,” the fact that he made an effort says “I care about you.” Even better, doesn’t it mean even more when you know that what he is doing is difficult or doesn’t come naturally?
It’s the same thing here. Just like we women have things that are important to us, men have things that are important to them. (Maybe you get this right away, because you want him to take care of himself for you, too!) And taking care of ourselves for him is just another way to show the most important man in our life that we care about him. Listen to his words and hear what his heart is saying. “I love you. I want you. I desire you. Stay healthy so you will be with me for the long term.”
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
To be honest, I really don’t care about this too much. But there is one thing that drives me nuts.
For 6 1/2 days, she wears what she wants, when she wants, does her makeup how she wants. And that means: casual (jeans, tshirts, sweats, sneakers), no dresses/skirts or nice shoes, and definitely no makeup. I’m used to it, and quite frankly, its how she lives her life.
But on that 1/2 day on sunday, she gets all dress up to the nines. Makeup, dresses/skirts/blouses, heels, fancy hair. Even lipstick (only seen on Sunday morning) Why? FOR CHURCH.
so one day, I ask her about it. “Because we should always do and be our BEST for GOD!”
And I reply, “And the rest of the week? I get the leftovers? Why do you put little to no effort for me? What if I did that approach for work: gave all my energy and attention to the job, but came home, changed into a sweatsuit, and sat in a chair all night watching TV and did nothing with you, never going out, or doing things with the family or even talked to you? I did my best for God at work, isn’t that enough?”
She didn’t talk to me for a week. Probably deserved it, but I think I made my point. I see makeup once in a while, especially if we have a date night. Tshirts have been replaced by slightly nicer things. No dresses or skirts or perhaps a sundress (in summer), but I don’t feel like i’m going out with a teenager anymore. No heels, but I do see something other than sneakers.
Do you know how uncomfortable heels are John? No of course not, you’ve never been expected to wear them. I’m not surprized she didn’t speak to you for a week. Let her be comfortable.
Thank you for having the courage to write and post this article. I found it to be written in a very balanced, non-judgmental tone which I hope we can all appreciate, even if there may be something in it that we may not all agree on.
As a man, I understand the desire to just relax and be comfortable in a close relationship. After all, my default is for less stress, so there are plenty of times I would rather not shave, not trim my hair or beard, etc. But at the same time, I am always aware that it will make the person close to me feel better if I do these things. It is not about trying to be perfect (because that will never happen anyway), but just making an effort out of respect and to create an atmosphere of working together to sustain a relationship that is physical as well as emotional and spiritual.
Likewise, if you love your wife, you are not (if you are reasonable) looking for perfection or comparison, just for her to be present and not take the relationship for granted as a foregone conclusion. If your wife consistently does not put in an effort to care for herself, then it is concerning because it can feel like she is emotionally checking out of the relationship…or worse, maybe has stopped caring about herself. As a husband, we should certainly be concerned about the latter especially.
In my approach, self-care encompasses a wife variety of avenues, from healthy eating (with some junk food of course), drinking enough water, taking supplements, moderate exercise when possible, stress reduction, doctor visits as needed, prayer and spending time with God, counseling or regular talks with a mentor, friend, or group, regular walks or outings, as much sleep as one can get, and so much more. I believe God works with us in a holistic manner and that life is meant to be not just about the spirit, but also the body, mind, and soul. We will all end up neglecting one or some aspects along the way, but it is good to strive to get back to balance so that our whole person can be present and available to meet life’s challenges and relationships.
I was curious, in your research, did the men share whether their own personal health and looks was something they put effort into for their wives?
When we were at family gatherings my sister in law’s husband used to bug her about not taking too much food. I’m not sure if I ever saw any evidence that my sister in law even crossed in to the range of normal body weight. She was always thin.
I don’t think it is misogynistic for a husband to want his wife to take care of herself. It is misogynistic when it is always treated as a stand alone topic. There are plenty of men out there who don’t take care of themselves. In terms of dress I would say more men don’t try as compared to women.
For most women, the baseline expectations of “taking care of herself” are much more time consuming and complicated than they are for men. For instance most women of my age probably highlight their hair or color their hair to cover grey. To take care of ourselves it sometimes means completely altering one feature. For years I used to perm my straight hair. Women with curly hair straighten their hair. I still use a curling iron from time to time. Maybe by the time I have a day off my hair is ready to take a break from styling it with a blowdryer or a curling iron.
When I was growing up my parents , my classmates and their parents had ideas about what sorts of dress and appearance was appropriate when. Of course they were more complicated for women, but there were still expectations for the men. Except for a handful of days in his life, my dad never neglected shaving. He’d wear a tie or a suitcoat as appropriate. Things like jeans and Tshirts were only for specific situations. If my mom was in a dress or a skirt he would be dressed appropriately and vice versa. He never wore his shirt untucked.
Now I am not saying males have to dress as my dad did. But I don’t understand the constant criticism of females when today many men dress very casually and are expected to follow very few rules. I saw a professionally photographed family pic recently. The mom was in a dress. The dad was wearing a baseball cap, jeans, and had an untucked shirt. He also had a scruffy beard. If I was that man’s wife, I would feel unloved and disrespected that my husband couldn’t put the most minimal effort into his appearance. But my husband can still tuck in his shirt so I guess I’m lucky.
Don’t women want their husbands to put in effort to take care of themselves. After all men start dying from heart disease sooner than women do. My dad died of a cancer that was probably due to alcohol and/or smoking, and my mom has been a widow for 18 years.
The women I know are much more visual than what you would assert.
Again, I would like to see this topic tackled for both genders.
Great article! Absolutely true! I find my wif to be astonishingly beautiful – as in, she really does it for me! I don’t expect her to look the she did when we first met in 2002, or even 5 years ago, but beauty is all in the attitude; in the sharing; in the “Yada” from Hebrew. My wife works hard at eating clean and staying active. She is an inspiration to me, she could never be more beautiful by “losing a few”, she just couldn’t. She takes care of herself, and all I want is for her to share herself with me! XOXO
What about the opposite? I take care of myself, yet my husband of 38 years has let go of himself. I love him dearly, yet because he won’t (he says he will but never does) try to exercise and be healthy, it makes me feel that he doesn’t care about me. Now, I think he’s the best man in the world, for sure. I have tried everything to get him to care about his body, but he doesn’t seem place any importance on fitness. I don’t find him attractive because of this and it affects my desire for him intimacy-wise. I could never tell him that.