3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants
Not long ago, someone we know got engaged via a multi-stage, elaborate proposal that had clearly taken an immense amount of thought and effort. A mutual friend, upon hearing the story, told him, “Good job. Only 9,999,999 tests left to go.” The lucky groom, of course, wondered: why do women “test” and “play games” with their men at all? He said, “She wouldn’t just tell me she wanted me to come up with something big like that. She said, ‘Whatever you want’ but I suspected that she didn’t really mean it. I wish she would have just told me. But at least I got it right this time.”
Guys, there are 3 key reasons your wife wants you to figure out what she wants, rather than just telling you. (These aren’t my opinion, but are the results of years of research and nationally representative surveys of women for For Men Only.) I know these may seem absolutely crazy, but once you realize the truth of these factors – and learn to see and respond to them – you’ve truly cracked the code. Those things that probably most confuse you about women won’t confuse you anymore.
So read closely – and if you don’t think these three reasons could possibly be true, ask your wife!
Reason #1: If you make the effort to figure it out, it means she’s worth the effort.
You know how you look confident, but on the inside you privately worry whether you measure up? Well, your wife has a different private worry: somewhere deep inside, every day, she wonders whether she is worth loving. Whether she matters. Whether she is lovable.
That question never goes away (just like you probably never get to a point that you feel as confident as you look). So each day, she’s looking for your signals as to the answer to that question. When you say “I love you” it signals that she is lovable. It reassures her that she must be worth loving, when you, this amazing man, make an effort to think through and understand why she might be upset rather than making her simply tell you. For example, it reassures her that she’s special, when you study her enough to know that she is completely frazzled and that it would mean a lot if you offered to take the kids so she can rest – without her having to tell you that.
Reason #2: If you figure it out and do something about it, it shows that you care.
You think it is the action that matters – which is why you wish she would just tell you what action she wants. Do you want me to take the kids to the park so you can rest? Do you want me to take you out to a quiet dinner for your birthday, or have a get-together with friends? While you’re upset with me right now, do you want me to apologize or leave you alone?
In the midst of those conundrums you’re probably thinking, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it!” But always remember that the “doing” isn’t always the most crucial thing. What matters to her is the fact that you made the effort to figure out what matters to her. It shows she is worth that effort (see Reason #1) and – even more important – it shows that you care enough about her to make that effort for her.
Reason #3: If she has to tell you, she’ll never know whether you did it because you wanted to, or simply because she told you to.
Guys, we women don’t realize that you want to do those things that will make us happy. In other words, because of that secret “am I loveable” insecurity, we subconsciously may not believe that you want to “do” things for us because you care about us.
So when we tell you what we want you to do, and you do it, we honestly, truly don’t know whether you are doing it because you really wanted to – or just because you are putting up with us and doing it because we asked you to.
So men, here’s the bottom line: practice studying your wife. Don’t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. (As you can imagine, that makes her self-doubt worse!) Instead, use it as an opportunity to show her that she is someone who is loveable – and loved. And if you build up that certainty in her, you’ll see those tests a lot less often.
Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
#4: If I tell him what I want, and he does it, then it means if he tells me what he wants, then I’ll have to do it! No thanks.
“So men, here’s the bottom line: practice studying your wife.” Just remember guys that this is a biblical directive, not an occasional task to be ignored.
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 ESV)
Shaunti, I usually fully agree with your posts, but this one falls short, in my opinion. I think you need to include a warning to women that this kind of testing is not always a very good idea. Men look at it as dishonesty. If my wife needs to be reassured of my love, and this is one way of doing it, fine. But I also need to be respected, and if she plays games with me, that does not show trust or respect. I’m blessed in that my wife rarely plays this sort of game. We’ve been married long enough for me to have learned from my mistakes, so I usually get it right, but not always.
One thing men value highly in other men (and women) is honesty. This kind of testing usually feels to a man like a bait and switch tactic. It’s like the old tale of the lady or the tiger. If I choose door A, I get a man-eating tiger. If I choose door B, I get the beautiful princess. Every time I heard this story, I wondered how many men, if they got the princess and a life of endless testing with little hope of ever getting it right, might prefer to get the tiger.
If a wife tests her husband in this way, he will feel like there is no way he can ever succeed and get it right, so in the end he gives up. Just like many men (myself included) gave up on ever being able to win our father’s approval. Maybe that’s why one of the sweetest sounds in a man’s ear is the promised “Well done, you faithful servant.”
Yes, this is the truth. The article is clearly a report on how to placate your wife with no regard for yourself. If she needs a ride to the store and asks, “Are you going to the store today?” and I say no. Am I wrong for answering the question? No, I’m wrong for not answering the question the way she wanted. In my case, she gets mad and asks a neighbor for a ride and spends the rest of the day circumventing me. That is manipulation plain and simple. Who likes to be manipulated, or more to the point, who has the right to treat me that way? I may not quote chapter and verse, but if the Bible says that a wife can deceive (I my own car, but I’ll get it by misdirection and say, : “You know, so and so just bought his wife a beautiful new car.” That is deception, not advised by the Holy Word.
I will add here that all three tactics demonstrate insecure attachment styles that are not the man’s fault. A person with a secure attachment style has no issue with wondering if they’re loveable or relying on games to prove they’re worth it.
Madam, you would do well to educate your female audience. I am not a Christian, but I often find your advice valuable. This?
Not so much.
As the gentleman above had typed, this is dishonest. It is also manipulative, and most often, horrid. My wife plays these idiotic games constantly, and I’m tired of the traps. Tired of being nagged, tired of working from 6AM to 11PM to please a woman who wants to play stupid games and do very little in the relationship.
The way for a woman to answer the “am I loved” question is easy. ASK!!!!!
These head games actually make you less lovable.
Every. Single. Time.
You present these reasons as if it all makes sense now that I know why.
Why doesn’t this work for me the other way around?
I would like to know she did what I wanted because she wanted to and not because I told her.
When I tried this, she got very upset with me. In her words “that is no way to treat the woman you married”.
I guess my problem is the way the reasoning is presented. As if it is a basic human act. Like, if it’s the same thing as if your stomach were growling “well, your hungry stupid.eat something” that is the fix.
When according to my wife, I shouldn’t treat someone I love the same way?
Clear communication is important. I am always in trouble because I have no idea what my wife wants because she talks in code.
A man asks what she wants BECAUSE he cares. Then when he acts on it, it’s even more proof. Also, take the time to look at what he does without having to be asked, like maintain her car, take out the trash, make her coffee in the morning, cut the grass, wash dishes, laundry, clean the floors, make dinner, etc.