How to Respect An Imperfect Husband
Dear Shaunti,
I really struggle with the whole “respect your husband” thing you talk about in your book For Women Only. How do I do that?
My husband has a huge amount of pride and is unable to accept any criticism or failure on his part; he always throws mistakes back on me. I can’t help but see him as irresponsible and prideful at times. I know that I have delivered some harsh criticism to him over the 14 years of our marriage, which probably contributes to the defensiveness, but I’ve gotten better over the last few years.
He is a faithful husband and very loving father, but there are so many times that he seems to place a higher value on our two daughters than on our marriage. He loves to be their hero to a fault, so that his relationship with them seems to be a codependent one. I can’t seem to change the way I think about him. And I’m tired of feeling like he values our daughters more than me.
-Second Fiddle
Dear Second Fiddle,
Nobody wants to be the second fiddle when they are truly a first string or solo quality. But I hate to be blunt: in most cases, second fiddles have earned their spot.
Sure, he probably has big issues to address as well – but the only person you can change is you. And I think you have already recognized the actual source of your problem: 14 years of harsh criticism of him as “irresponsible” and “prideful.” You also need to know that what you have misperceived in your husband as “pride” is actually a deep insecurity. An insecurity and self-doubt that you, my friend, have inflamed to the point of pain.
All of us – men and women – have a tendency to become defensive as a way to protect ourselves when we are criticized. But since a man’s primary emotional need is respect, please understand that for your husband, criticism isn’t just frustrating – it feels like a vicious attack on his most vulnerable emotion: his fear that you see him as inadequate.
All of us – men & women – tend to become defensive as a way to protect ourselves when we are criticized. Share on X
When a man’s emotional backbone has been whipped raw by repeated critical comments and “brutal honesty,” his insecurities are so inflamed and painful that he can become super-sensitive and agitated at even the slightest suggestion that he has done something wrong, hence the inability to accept responsibility for mistakes or to admit error. It isn’t right or mature, certainly – but it sure is understandable.
From my thousands of interviews with men, I know that a man longs to be a hero to his wife, first and foremost. But when he feels that he just can never measure up in her eyes – that she will always see him as second (or tenth) fiddle — he will seek that affirmation elsewhere.
A man longs to be a hero to his wife, first and foremost. Share on XYou say he is a faithful husband, so it sounds like he thankfully hasn’t sought solace from a woman who does think he is amazing. Instead, he’s gravitating toward affirmation from your daughters. Indeed there may be a codependent relationship with them, but I hope you can understand why it could have developed.
How do you get past this, and to a place where you do respect him?
I often suggest the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to women in your situation. First, for the next 30 days don’t say anything negative about your husband… either to him or about him to someone else. Not your mom, not your best girlfriend, no one.
Let me repeat that, so you really ‘get it’: Say nothing negative about him.
At all.
And second, every day for the next 30 days, find one thing positive that he has done that you can praise or thank him for, and tell him, and tell at least one other person.
Third, do one small act of kindness or generosity for him daily.
The beauty of our psychological wiring is that our feelings follow our words and actions, and so the more you focus on what you are dissatisfied with, the more dissatisfied you will be. But the more you focus on the positive, the more you will see and be struck by the truly wonderful things about your husband. The more you will, in fact, respect him!
Our feelings follow our words and actions. Share on XThis may not be easy for you — there’s a reason I call this a “challenge.” But in the end this sort of process is one of the only ways to change what you think and do.
I hope in the end, that after the 30 days you will find it so much easier to return to a true partnership where there is a give and take. Where you can see and affirm the positive, and recognize that some of the negative is simply a difference of opinion – and that some criticism can be communicated with grace or simply not mentioned at all. Remember that thirty days of “reform” is not going to eradicate 14 years of criticism, so have realistic expectations. Even after the 30 days are over, you might have to be ultra-careful how you communicate criticism for the foreseeable future.
But hopefully, some major changes won’t take too long. Because as you continue to focus mostly on the positive, and thus make sure your husband knows that he is your hero – I’ll bet you’ll quickly be promoted from second fiddle to first string.
Sign up for the Challenge here, and pray for it to be a blessing in your marriage.
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more
What do you do when it’s the opposite? My husband criticizes everything I do, nothing is good enough. Yet he still constantly tells me things I need to do, such as calling to set up appointments, picking things up from the store, shooting down any idea I have.
I think he is a very unhappy negative person and I don’t know how much longer I can be the positive upbeat partner.
So I feel that the orriginal woman’s letter has touched a chord with me… however my husband has been a functioning alcoholic almost our entire marriage. To the point where At the beginning I would gently try to help him work through why he would stumble in this area and I would clean up his vomit or cover for him infront of my family. He generally wasn’t abusive – only once did it get physical- he just would make stupid descisions. But once we had children and his drinking and use of pot became more frequent and secretive I began to feel more isolated and unsafe. As sometimes his descisions affected our children’s safety. Ive lost count of the times he could have gotten a DUI. On the flip side I suffered from PPD. I didn’t have a support group and took out my anxiety on him. So I think this propetuuated the problem. I spent the entire last year processing the “Falling in love all over again book” and then the “boundaries in marriage” book and surrounding myself with friends who helped me through three times of running through “the husband project” each time I completed a project I would feel like I had utterly failed at it. He was so negeative and unthankful. I knew that the point was for my heart to change, not to change him. I know discouragement is from Satan. But I feel that I have given up. Through all of this we had pretty active sex life. But the next day it would feel that we had never had a connection. He would be colder than ever. After talking to him in a gentle way about seeking counseling with out pastor – he would refuse- so I decided to go on my own. I kept it a secret though. He soon found out. And he forbade me to go back. I sought out another counselor while he was out of the country. It was at a time when I felt overwhelmed by our situation and by his family who was also attacking me at the time for trying to help his mom get her house cleaned. I told him after the fact how much it helped me. He claims that he can’t trust me anymore because I talk behind his back about stuff. He says I should ask God to fix my problems. Which I don’t think I have ever left God out and pray to Him all the time about many things. I don’t get to read my bible as much as Inwould like to being a stay at home mom with 2 kids and one on the way… Things continue to get worse. And I feel so confused.
Gypsiedncr, the type of behaviors you are describing are destructive and indicative of abuse. The information provided in this article is great for a typical marriage, but not an abusive one. Following the suggestions here would very likely worsen your situation as it reinforces an abusers mindset that they do not have to experience consequences for mistreating their wives. Please read “the Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick for help on how to handle your situation.
Wow. Gypsiedncr, you are not alone in your situation. Reading what you wrote was like reading something I wrote about my own life.
In a way I hope that helps.
If more than one person feels like this, it’s not as though God doesn’t know how to help us. It’s not his first rodeo. 😉 🙂 Much love to you and keep working on yourself & your relationship with God. Resist the temptation to make your marriage & your husband an idol. Love is his highest command above all else.
I hope you feel God’s love and it gives you an inner peace we all desire.
Shaunti, my heart breaks for these two women. The only thing I can offer is prayers for them and hope their husbands will come face to face with God. They are married to very broken men, broken in the wrong way.
Regarding your blog post and your answer to your questioner, you hit it right on the nose. As a man, I’m amazed and pleased that you understand the huge insecurity issues that virtually all men face. We men tend to be good at covering up. Our emotions run very deep, but we won’t admit them, even to ourselves. We are afraid of being inadequate, so we cover it with swagger. We are hurt and dealing with deep pain, but we shrug it off, or at least try to.
I can deal with all manner of criticism from colleagues or acquaintances, but one comment, however justified, from my wife, cuts me to my core. Your questioner has her work cut out, trying to overcome years of criticism. To be sure, he has a lot of growing to do, but wounds from the woman he loves go very deep. The good thing is that God can do anything. My healed marriage is a living testimony to His power and grace.
My husband wants to move. I’ve lived here all my life, the only place our kids know, and all my family is here. He moved here years ago, stayed because he fell in love with me! He hates his job, he’s developed depression, dreads going to work, his coworkers make things difficult. He also wants to be in the location he’s chosen for more opportunities(both work and fun). (We currently live in a small remote community).
I would rather stay here than uproot our kids(who are very angry at the idea of moving). How would you handle this situation? He’s made a lot of terrible financial decisions over the years, despite me not agreeing to what he wanted. He had an emotionally abusive father, and I feel this definitely contributed to those decisions, trying to feel better I guess.
He is changing lately, wanting to be better. But I have lost respect for him. Does submission & respect mean that we move even though the kids and I don’t want to? Do I believe him when he says that he really thinks this is what God wants, what he thinks would help him out of depression and have more zest for life again to love us better? his current job takes so much out of him.
This is wonderful and much needy right now. Thank you for the truth.
Whoah whoa hold on. Hold on April. I need to say this for you and second fiddle. Please pray. Even though you might be right. Some men’s insecurity is not rooted because of the wife but actually their mother. Please continue your research on the topic. I know you’re swamped with letters like this from women. I agree taking responsibility for what one is responsible FOR themselves. Just know that in complex situations especially human emotions that no one person is the sole cause of one thing someone is feeling. Oh dear.
Maybe this guy is somewhere on the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If so, that is considered emotional and verbal abuse and he needs to deal with the root cause.