Ladies, do you know how to support your normal, visually-wired husband in this abnormal culture? 4 actions that matter
1. Show him you’re someone he can talk to about it. Regardless of where your man lands on the visual temptation spectrum, a calm conversation is the starting point. But many men are hesitant to talk, since they are convinced their wives will never understand – or, worse, will be hurt. So no matter what you’re hearing: be calm. If you don’t think he’s got a major issue, then just asking what life is like today, and showing him you want to hear what he shares, can be a great way to start. On the other hand, if you think there may be a significant issue requiring outside help, think and pray through the potential tracks of the conversation (what he might say, how you might respond) beforehand, so you can remain composed during the conversation.
2. Give him intimate visuals – of you! Whether he’s told you or not, your husband likes looking at you in all your glory. (As one man recently asked, essentially, “How can I convince my wife to let me see her body, instead of hiding behind a towel?”) After all, remember that this is when God designed your man’s visual nature to be activated! The whole problem is that his visual brain today is being stimulated in public by images he was never supposed to see. So give him those private memories that he is designed to see! Many men overcome temptation simply by calling to mind those memories of their wives. You may be surprised to find out how far being a flirt (and, ahem, being willing to have the lights on!) will go.
3. Be aware of potential temptation triggers. Because most women don’t have visual brains in quite the same way, we don’t realize just how much of an obstacle course our magazine subscriptions, catalogues, cable channels and unfiltered computers can present to an honorable husband – or a son! As I was doing my research for Through A Man’s Eyes, I discovered that, for example, having catalogs from places like Victoria’s Secret or Boston Proper delivered to the house and sitting out on the island can tempt a man who doesn’t want that temptation. So examine your home environment, eliminate some triggers, and ask about others. (“Would it help if we blocked some cable channels…?”)
4. If he’s got a bad habit, expect him to work hard to change it—and actively support him in doing so. No matter how supportive a wife is or isn’t, ultimately a man is completely responsible for his choices. Many men are very successful at fighting off the temptation to watch porn, while others feel a compulsion that seems almost impossible to fight. And yet, those same men usually want to honor God and want to honor their wives. If your man has anything from a bad habit to an actual addiction, make it clear that you expect him to get help – and that you’ll support him through the whole process. The actions above are a good start.
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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
I eliminate magazines and catalogs. My husband sees me naked and sexual all the time. I am open to conversations about it, and I have confronted him about guarding his eyes and what I am bothered by him viewing. But, he has chosen not to change, but rather hide it better. He excuses it as “not watching it for that” or “looking for something else,” or “I can’t help the that the thumb nail picture is click bait, or “I can’t help that they sex everything up.”
He sticks very carefully to easily excusable gray areas….mainstream movies, tv shows, YouTube, and shopping for lingerie for me. I have no problem with him heading to a familiar shop to purchase something sexy for me, but when he is spending hours scrolling through websites and then needs to use me to finish what the models started, or when he looks up video of women wearing whatever he is shopping for, then I get peeved.
Lately, he will show me what he wants to buy me and then start getting frisky with me while staring at the model in the screen!
If I confront him, even gently, he gets all offended and defensive and says I am wrong and falsely accusing him.
This has been going on for well over a decade so I don’t expect him to change. I just hate dealing with this, knowing it is wrong, and knowing it could escalate. I have been to two pastors about this but if they talk to him, they don’t get personal, and he agrees with them but doesn’t change. I believe he manipulates himself into justifying it. So long as he doesn’t cross over into actual porn, he feels it is ok.
My wife is unable to stimulate me visually and at times I have turned to pornography. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just gets hurt and angry
libl, you should really listen to Mark Gungor. He is a pastor and international marriage speaker. He has a radio program and a laugh you way to a better marriage seminar. I would put my foot down if I were you. Absolutely no viewing of any of that. I would put parental controls on it. Even his phone. Remember, what he is doing is also a sin. A sin it looks like he is very comfortable in committing. And will only get worse. In my home the choice is simple. Me or them. If you choose them, I’m gone. I’m NOT talking about divorce but standing up and not tolerating bad behavior. After many years of marriage my husband briefly fell into sin with the images on Pinterest. To say I was furious was an understatement. I was scary calm too. I never found proof but asked outright. He was honest and told me he struggled of and on for about the last year. His honesty and true repentance is the only thing that didn’t have me walk out right then. I did have terms that he HAD to follow or I was gone (again not divorce. That is never the goal) but had he refused to do it, there is no way I would have stayed to be disrespected like that. I also told people that were close to us. Something he didn’t like, but sin doesn’t like the light helps with accountability. It worked. I encourage you to listen or even write to Mark Gungor. He explains in more detail what “leaving” actually is and what it accomplishes. An issue like yours goes way past understanding his struggle like this article talks about.
My husband doesn’t take kindly to ultimatums like that. He fights dirty and fights to win. It gets ugly. It isn’t right, but if I were to say choose, he may choose the movie to spite me. Yes, I need to be prepared for that, but I am not. I have no job, no prospect of getting a job, and even my pastor says the situation isn’t bad enough for me to leave. We also have young children to consider.
And this is just a part of the issues we have.
Basically, it all comes down to the man needs to give his life to Christ.
Sorry that you have to live with that.
Just listened to your audiobook today and had a real tough time listening to 2. Give him intimate visuals – of you! There are some women who just aren’t attractive, many because of outside circumstances…injuries, illnesses (cancer), surgeries (double mastectomy) etc. Maybe they are just 100 pounds overweight. For some the answer is not to get naked. What can a woman with no boobs anymore do when her husband is spending his evenings with blondes with big boobs??? Your book suggests we take care of ourselves and remain attractive but when that ship has sailed how do you cope?
Spend money on yourself and get help with weight reduction support from professionals, investigate bio identical hormone therapy. (That changed my life!)
As a man I find that I am SO MUCH BETTER ADAPTED to the sex saturated environment and able to control my ‘longings’ when my wife is available for my release. As Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, “Ladies, regardless of YOUR feelings of your body composition, when you are NAKED you are the most beautiful woman on the planet to your husband, he embraces your body in total fulfillment and appreciation. When he is engaged with you, you are the only woman in the world to him” and “a WELL FED man at home doesn’t need to dine at a restaurant”
I find it sad that most women want to absolve themselves of ANY responsibility for a husbands lack of control when they essentially encourage that lack of control by their behavior. As Shaunti’s friend Emmerson Eggerichs says in Love and Respect, “Ladies, how fair is it to say ‘have eyes ONLY for me’ (or use me ONLY as your sexual outlet/ release) and then withhold yourself sexually from him?” by making yourself as undesirable as possible?