Wives, Don’t Punish Your Husband For Being Visual
Tip #57: Women, don’t punish your husband for being visual
I couldn’t believe it when I saw one wife’s comment about what she did when she found that her husband had been viewing pornography. Understandably shocked and hurt, she next did something I found hard to understand. She not only refused to have sex with him; she also put on 150 pounds. Just to make sure he got her point that viewing porn was not okay.
“I showed him,” she said.
Yikes.
As Craig Gross and I have helped women process what it means that men are visual and how to address any problems that have arisen, we’ve found that people tend to fall into two categories: those who handle their new knowledge fairly well, and those who handle it in a way that is self-destructive and can even make a bad situation worse. Even crazier, some of the “destructive” responses have been from women whose husbands don’t seem to be making poor choices but are simply living with a normal visual male brain in an abnormal, sexually-stimulating culture.
When one woman, happily married for 15 years, found out that a male brain can’t not be biologically stimulated by the sight of a scantily-dressed female she suddenly said she couldn’t trust her husband anymore. Even though her husband consistently worked to honor God and honor her in his thought life, would never look at porn, and turned away from the provocative images he saw on TV and magazines, it didn’t matter. Just learning that he was wired visually broke her heart, and she completely withdrew from him. She stopped being intimate with him, and often broke out in tears. This husband was almost in tears himself as he explained to us that his wife’s new knowledge had wrecked their marriage and that he was being punished for something that, ironically, he was handling well. But he couldn’t get her to see it that way.
Believe me, I understand the concern so many women have when they suddenly learn what “men are visual” really means: I wrestled with it myself as I began learning this stuff a few years ago! But here’s my suggestion: If you are a bit freaked out at the idea of men (i.e. your man) being visual, make sure you are prepared to address it in a healthy way before you do one single thing about it. For example, if you are finding yourself obsessing over the idea that your man’s visual biology must mean he doesn’t care about you, then please borrow a friend’s copy of Through A Man’s Eyes (our book about this) and read the chapter entitled “Nixing the Knee-Jerk” before you say anything to your husband.
It will make a huge difference if you understand how to communicate about it in a way that will help your marriage instead of hurt it – especially if there’s already something hurtful going on. Because handling that situation well, in such a way that he’ll want to get help, for example, can make a huge difference to bringing healing. And above all, if there isn’t a problem, resolve to not to “punish” your husband simply for being a visual creature in a culture in which he is being constantly stimulated without his consent.
Just as men need to choose to “take their thoughts captive” and ensure they don’t let their visual minds run away with them, we as women need to do the same with our thoughts and feelings about the whole topic of his visual brain.
Yes, this can be a difficult topic. It comes with a lot of emotions. If something problematic is going on, it may not be “fair” that we have to work to handle the situation well when we’re also handling hurt. But both for our husbands and ourselves, if we want healing and wholeness for them and us, it is worth it to work to do so.
Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article concerns me a little. There are some fairly strong judgements going on here. Do you know their whole story? I doubt it. Putting information out in a book is one thing but shaming people for how they handle their emotions around it (ie. calling it ‘crazy’) is another, just because their responses are not what was envisioned when writing the book. Also, what about the dignity of the women having their experiences shared like this.
Some people are gifted in presenting facts and others in counselling. Is there anyone that could be employed to respond in a helpful way to readers around this issue? The article speaks of the importance of not letting our feelings about something run away with us, perhaps that would also be true when responding to others experiences with the information presented in the book in a sensitive manner.
It is impossible to address every scenario with ONE blog on ONE topic of this complexity and sensitivity. Sometimes you wonder if it’s even worth it to try to offer instruction, encouragement etc b/c it’s impossible to cover all the bases. I agree that the use of the phrase “Even crazier” can be offensive and hurtful, especially when someone is experiencing a situation of their dignity being robbed with a man who is NOT attempting to control his eyes and thoughts. I believe the article was referring to women who respond with self-destructive behavior when she finds out that all straight men (including hers) are visual (can’t not notice) EVEN THOUGH her man controls his eyes and thoughts. She is so upset at the THOUGHT of her man finding another woman’s figure distracting enough that it REQUIRES AN EFFORT to not take a second look or dwell on that thought – and THAT makes her feel violated. Instead of being thankful that he does apply effort, she gets mad that he even gets distracted, that he even experiences a challenge with the distraction, and self-sabotages with weight gain and withdrawing sexual intimacy, etc.
i get that it’s hard to respond to every situation. The thing is that even if the husband is handling his visual nature respectfully the woman is aware more than ever that the visual is paramount to his sexuality, that he is wired to respond strongly to certain types of females and that she will never meet that standard visually. No matter how that’s handled by the guy its a blow to sexual confidence. Who wants to humiliate themselves having to act sexy to try to meet a husbands needs when she doesn’t have the goods to do so to the level that arouses his happy brain chemicals via visual stimulation? When seen through that perspective she doesn’t seem so crazy after all, just disillusioned from whatever she may have previously believed she had to offer having been shattered. I find it sad that the grief women experience as they learn they are not a visual magnet generally so rightfully conclude (after watching their husbands responses to others) that they are not for their husbands also but rather are just available, that this grief is dismissed as crazy. No, it’s bad enough having media and other influences projecting an ideal but now in their most intimate relationship their husbands visual nature mirrors that same message to their wives as well,so there is no escape. Try to have some compassion for these women.
‘yikes’ really? That’s a terrible thing to say about her reaction. Gaining the weight is no lower than her husband watching porn. I totally get it. Stop accepting men’s sin and shaming a wife’s reaction.
To Shaunti and her staff and colleagues: thanks for helping us wade through these deep waters. Obviously many of us are hurting, struggling, or broken. So naturally we can seem contentious or accusatory. But we know that God is faithful to use our circumstances to draw us closer to him. So thanks for letting him use you to help accomplish that.
All women should embarrassed the hell out of their partners by doing it he same crap. Their male and go will all of a sudden be crushed.they could not stand if a another male looks at their wives all of a sudden they get defensive what you looking at man etc but they do the same crap. So if your man looks you look n smile at Every male that cross your path women
Men are definitely not designed by God to be “visual”, even after our fall. God would not intentionally do that then say oh by the way that thing I designed in you is sin. He never places sin in us. This “visual excuse” is a patriarchal “iniquity” of lust passed down through generations. They held money and power = easy one sided exploitation. An excuse for bad behavior demons love to spew. Men and women are actually equally visual in attractiveness and what we like; but not in the extreme way for either that men claim. We both truly look more at ones spirit, soul. If a group of tone men were cheerleading in tight scant clothes, I assure you women are looking. We just told them not to and shamed them because we want to be the only ones allowed to do that and we gave them shoes and clothes to like instead. Men aren’t visual special, both sexes have to fight what the enemy does to both our eyes and hearts to destroy. Don’t fall for the “visual” claim; it’s in error according to Jesus Himself. Notice as women start getting more money they are also being exploited now sexually of their money. Thank God for Holy Spirit self control for both sexes.