Tip #55: Wives: Learn and relate to the man your husband is, not who you think he “should” be.
For many of us women, it is easy to carry around a subconscious ideal about what our husband should be doing for us, only to be disappointed when our expectations are unmet, and assume he doesn’t care. Right? Like, “He didn’t take out the trash, so he must not care that keeping the house clean is important to me,” or “If he cared about me, he would pull himself out of his funk and come talk to me.”
Sound familiar?
There’s nothing wrong with sharing our needs, and hoping our husband will meet them. But most men are wired differently than we are, and some things we think should be easy are actually quite difficult for them. But we still want them to learn, and to try.
Well, you know what? Our men have needs, too. They have certain things that are very important to them, too. For example, men deeply need to us notice what they do and say “thank you” without getting defensive or thinking that we’re pandering to their egos. They need us to recognize and appreciate their compulsion to provide. They need us to let them be the dads that they want to be, rather than telling them to parent the way we want them to.
All those things matter so much more than we realize. All those things tell them that we care.
Sure, just as they don’t always meet our needs, we don’t always meet theirs. But for a happy marriage, it is so critical that we try. It is so crucial that we be willing to learn. Just as we hope they are willing to learn.
Even when it is tough, and we want to stand on our rights instead.
I saw a comment on Amazon from a woman who was willing to take that hard step. Our whole team was impressed by this review on the For Women Only page, since it reflects the approach we all should try to have when we encounter a challenging truth:
It was a little hard for me to give this book 5 stars, which means “I love it.” Honestly, I didn’t “love” a great deal of what was in this book…. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you’ve misunderstood your entire marriage, especially if you’ve been married for many years (15 years for me). Every single chapter made me groan, realizing that I’d gotten things very wrong– and how much conflict could’ve been avoided if I’d only known earlier. For me, it’s been like being very nearsighted and then having Lasik surgery– everything is suddenly clear and in focus. And trust me, not everything looks pretty! There were things that I didn’t like reading… However, “ignorance is bliss” does not help a marriage grow and mature. If we want our husbands to understand us and learn how to be better husbands, we’d be wise to take our own medicine. I only wish I’d read this book earlier in my marriage, and saved me and my husband years of frustration and heartache. I look forward to moving forward with clear vision.
Instead of tethering your husband and marriage to the subconscious notion that he should be the one to change but that you are doing just fine, take a step outside of yourself and consider what you don’t know about him. Allow him to fully be himself. Learn what he needs, and show him that you see him for who he really is – and appreciate him for it!
Yes, it can be difficult. Yes, sometimes it can feel like “medicine” to focus on what you can do instead of what he needs to do. But try it, and you will find that it is good medicine. A treatment that is exactly what was needed to restore your marriage to the vibrant health you wanted all along.
Love this and all of Shaunti’s advice. Changed my life and my marriage <3
Ohhh WOW! This was JUST the article I needed to read today!! My husband and I are currently 3000+ miles apart due to his work situation. I will be making the 8 day cross country trip at the beginning of next month after I pack up the apartment, sell most of our stuff and pack up my tiny Toyota Yaris by myself. My primary love language is touch with a secondary of words of affirmation. When we are together, my husband is a master of non-sexual touch but not very good at words- he’s just not that kind of man. I always felt loved when we were together. However, We have been apart now for almost a month (it feels much longer) and I just have this growing ache of lack of love recently. I always said I didn’t want to try to change him, yet I kept trying to pull, prod, and provok out of him, his (rare) flowery romantic words. I was discouraged when the words I wanted just didn’t come or didn’t feel like enough. This article made me realize just how selfish I’ve been. I prayed and asked God to help me mend my ways of trying to subconsciously change my wonderful man into something I always knew he never was going to be. Instead I decided I wanted to show my support for his hardwork and dedication to our little family. I sent him a text asking how I could specificlly pray for HIM today. To my surprise, he didn’t respond with anything about his long 13+ hour days or his work trucks that keeps breaking down. He didn’t mention about the headaches he gets when the exhaust is messed up and leaks into the cabin causing him to get wet since he has to leave the window down. He didn’t ask for prayers for his back and good sleep now that he is sleeping on his parent’s futon in their spare room. He didn’t ask for strength for the physical labor he has to do day in and day out. He asked for prayers for ME and my preparations for the trip!!!! He said his daily prayer was for me!!! Wow!!! I just started to cry tears of overwhelming understanding. His heart definitely doesn’t beat with the flowery love songs that mine does for him but it definitely DOES beat with crazy love for me!!! I thanked him for his love, affection and support and most importantly for his loving words, that have touched my heart today! He made my day!!!! Thank you for this article to prompt me to get out of my own way and stop seeing him the way I never wanted to see in the first place. Shaunti, I’m so glad that God has blessed you with the words that continue to change my life in a big way everyday!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!
This is Caroline from Shaunti’s team — thank you for sharing your story and what a beautiful resolution! So glad you were touched and had this great exchange with your husband!
So everytime he doesn’t want to do a chore or take my needs into account, it is my fault? Because I don’t understand him? You’re right, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how a middle-aged man can let his wife bring in 80% of the income, handle all the finance, do 90% of the chores and get to sit on his backside playing on the computer in his spare time. But, you know, we good Christian wives just need to “submit” and do it all and “understand” that he doesn’t have to change, we do.
Ruby, you sound like me….and why do all of her advice articles focus on the wife providing for HIS needs? What about husbands who don’t pay attention to their wives (in the bedroom) like they are supposed to??
Hi Suzannah, this article is addressed to wives. Look at the resources section and you’ll find plenty of articles addressed to men. 🙂 http://shaunti.com/resources/?facet_topic=28#service-content
Thanks Caroline Niziol. Wonder why only the women’s articles show up on my Facebook feed?