How Do I Cope With My Super-Sensitive Husband?
Dear Shaunti:
My husband is great at many things, but sometimes he struggles with getting a new task accomplished. Like, he’s great at carpentry, but it might take him two or three days to figure out how to create a new type of bookcase I want for the kids’ bedroom. But when I offer an opinion or suggest a solution, he goes ballistic. Why is he so sensitive? I’m just trying to help and he acts like I’m trying to stick a pin in his eye. Am I supposed to just shut up and quit offering my input when I think there’s a better way to do something? What happened to being equal partners?
Walking On Eggshells
Dear Eggshells,
Part of being equal partners means getting in tune with how each other think: and right now, you’re way off key. It will help you a lot to understand how men think — which, admittedly, can seem really weird at times.
When I started researching men, one of the things that most surprised me is how important it is for a man to feel that his wife trusts, appreciates, and respects him — and how surprisingly easy it is for him to feel that she doesn’t! See, “super sensitive” is just code for “secretly insecure.” A guy has a lot of hidden self-doubt. He desperately wants to be a great husband who can meet your needs, be your hero and make you proud – but he worries that he’s not up to the task. Or, even worse, that you will see that he’s not up to the task.
In so many cases, when a man is trying to get something done, the issue is not really about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether you think he’s adequate to solve it.
Let’s say the two of you are late for an important dinner, he’s driving, you’re lost, the GPS was wrong, and he doesn’t want to stop to ask for directions.
For him, trying to find his way is not just an adventure; it is a test. A test of whether he is capable to figure it out on his own. He wants to be the hero who is going to get his lady to that dinner on time. He wants to be a success in your eyes. So when you tell him he needs to stop and ask some other guy for directions, you’ve just told him he’s a failure. That he’s inadequate.
Now here is where we women think men are way too sensitive. We’re not calling our man a failure – we’re just being efficiency experts, right? But we also might think, Okay, so he feels inadequate. But at least we got there on time. What’s the big deal?
Actually, it is a big deal.
See, for most of us as women, feeling inadequate is unpleasant. For most men it is excruciating. It hurts more than anything else ever can – especially when he feels like he’s inadequate for you.
To most women, feeling inadequate is unpleasant. For most men, it is excruciating. Share on XMy husband Jeff explained it to me this way:
It’s easy for a woman to say, ‘Oh, he’s being too sensitive.’ Maybe she’s right, but that’s because a guy has a deep doubt that he knows what he’s doing — and therefore a deep need to know that the person who knows him best is going to choose to believe in him, regardless.
Aren’t there things women are insecure and ultra-sensitive about, too? Would a woman like it if her husband teased her about gaining 10 pounds? Everyone is ultra-sensitive about something that touches on a deep insecurity.
So what’s a woman to do? As one woman asked at a conference where I was speaking: “So, then, what do you say when your husband is driving around in circles? ‘I’m proud of you’?”
Everyone in the room had a good laugh over that one, me included. But here’s how I answered:
When a man is trying to accomplish anything (whether that’s building bookcases or trying to get somewhere on time), it makes all the difference if you ask yourself one question: What matters most in this situation? Is it A) that this thing gets accomplished, and does so in the way I think best? Or is it B) meeting my man’s deepest emotional need, avoiding hurt to him, and preserving the relationship?
In most cases – although certainly not all – when you look at it that way there’s no contest. You may not say “I’m so proud of you” when he’s driving in circles (!) but perhaps you force yourself to remain silent. Perhaps you force yourself to trust that he is not an idiot and that because he is excruciatingly aware of the time ticking away and is anxious not to fail you, that he will come up with a solution.
And if you find yourself in that rare situation where getting the thing accomplished, and accomplished in your way, it is worth the hurt to the relationship, just remember: what matters most is not what you say but how you say it. The men I interviewed said it felt very different if you explained your worry instead of ordering him to pull over. (“Honey, I’m beginning to get nervous that we might be late. Normally, I’d be okay if we drove a bit longer, but since this is a huge meeting would you mind if we stopped and I asked for directions?”)
What matters most is not what you say but HOW you say it. Share on XAlthough your man is indeed sensitive inside, realize it is because he deeply wants to be your hero. So find ways to show him that you think he is the strong and competent man he wants to be! And if you do, you’ll see that sensitivity arising a lot less often.
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This is totally ridiculous. Why are you encouraging women to act this way. They can find the directions themselves also. And yes it is ok to correct your husband. With this method that you keep encouraging women to use, you are ensuring that 50 % of this worlds population will be meek, and only capable of submission. I have five children and work outside of the home. All of us contribute to society and help others. I am so thankful that my daughters are not striving to be brainless, spineless women that are barely capable of making sack lunches and getting kids out the door in the morning . Welcome to 2015. Thank God.
I totally agree with your reply. I think men needs to be a big boy and learn to deal with their own insensitivity. Women should not have to change ourselves to enable men’ insecurity.
@JJ Shut up obnoxious.
Don’t change yourself, but be prepared to be told how ugly and fat you are when you get some weight
Well here are my two cents, take what you want with it. I think today’s men are highly and ridiculously over sensitive. They need thicker skin and need to pull up their big boy pants. I am a mother of four boys. I will die before I allow my boys to be this ridiculously sensitive. It’s called constructive criticism, if they cannot handle that, they will not survive in this world. Now empathy is a totally different thing, having empathy for how someone is feeling about an upcoming test or a death of a relative is a vital skill in life. Sure we talk about why they are “bothered” by a certain something and we talk about how we can overcome it rather than running away crying about it. However, if someone tells a man he needs to fix point A and point B in order to achieve a certain outcome on say a carpentry project, the man needs to be willing to accept that constructive criticism as a positive thing to make changes or accept that there is always another path. Rather than being so narrow minded. I have had brutally honest male friends tell me when I have gained a bit of weight and believe me I was grateful for that honesty. It was the swift kick I needed to start walking again or watch what I was eating. Hell as a deaf individual I am constantly criticized for my capabilities as a deaf person, do you think I allow that to tear me down or throw a tantrum over it? NO! I rise up and show them how it is done. Not just for myself but for my boys too. We cannot constantly walk on eggshells in today’s society or cry about every little thing, otherwise we’re all screwed.
What an obnoxious woman. Most Probably you’re single coz no man would bear such an attitude
Love it! Thank you so much for the godly wisdom!
Charis
I also think this is not good advice. I’m in favour of helping my husband feel like a man but it’s not going to be at my expense as a strong women.
I agree. They are not teenage girls.
my advice to every men reading this article is that “if you wish to have a best wife then make sure you do judge that girls mother and confirm it from other people about her mothers attitude towards her husband all her life…..i bet you that girl will be the prototype of her mother and will behave the same way her mother has been behaving with her husband….thats where we say “as father as son and as mother as daughter….ive been observing this a lot and my findings in all the cases proves this idiom as to be 1000% correct….if you will marry Shaunti’s daughter,you will have a wise and understanding women like Shaunti in your life.On the contrary if you marry the daughter of “Shocked”,then be sure to keep a store of Aspirin you will need for the rest of your life….
Im not going to agree with everything my husband says just to apease him. Build a bridge and get over it!!!
My husband is extremely sensitive and I can’t say anything to him. I think it is a hormone imbalance. I find it very difficult.
Same here Renee. He says its my tone but no one has ever said i have an attitude more than him. I know sometimes i do but i cant eveb make a consious effort to speak to him in a calm manner.. he still gets bothered by me talking to him. He will also get upset about something ive asked him to do 200 times. Just do it lol.. i dont get it. We argue a lot and its tiring!
Wow this is my marriage in a nut shell! I feel less alone right now lol.
This is my marriage as well! I’m exhausted! ?
I understand you are walking on egg shells all the time. I have the same situation with my husband,just because I said the plate is on the left side of cabinet he felt I called him stupid and has spent the whole day in the shed. Unbelievable. With what’s going on in the world and here we are.
My wife said something to me a few hours ago that really upset me, and at the same time always calls me sensitive. So I wanted to read something to understand the situation better. Shaunti, as a man, of course, I could not agree with this article more. We DO want to be our wives heroes and want them to see us in a “positive light”, but instead their tones, “facial expressions”, and overall attitude makes us feel the opposite. Speaking respectfully to your husband it not ridiculous, and should not make a woman feel any less independent or weak. It’s just about not making him feel stupid, and unappreciated. Much Love Ladies….
Thanks for that. I too am n “too sensitive” husband. It’s in the tone, the facial expression, and hearing it so often that has me unsure of myself. For the woman saying this is BS. Think about it the other way, you are generally very insecure about your looks or weight, generally. Even my wife, sexy as she is still feels insecure about it, now imagine next time you ask your husband for his opinion and he responds in that way. Believe me you are also going to get sensitive. Love your partner and treat them as such. I would never take advantage of my wife’s insecurities, one shouldn’t ever take advantage of anyone’s insecurities. Especially your life partner, they are the ones who you promised to love, respect and cherish until death. You made the promise, now do your utmost to keep it.
I think respect and honor goes both ways. Yes, I believe a strong woman upholds her man and strong man uphold his woman. I personally don’t think it’s right to call a man “sensitive” or label people so outright but listen to see what is the real problem.
As a wife, I’ve asked my husband many times over to do menial tasks around the house; he says he’ll do it but he always comes up with an excuse to not do it. So i give him months, and if he doesn’t honor my request, I do it myself (things I can do, but I know he prefers to). These are as simple as changing lightbulbs mind you. He gets upset that I do them and acts so abrupt and rude as if I’ve offended him. And then he tries to blame it on safety.
So the respect has to be both ways. I do and don’t agree with this article because it has some good points but can also be misinterpreted to create a submissive and enable a potentially unhealthy relationship balance.
I agree with everything in this article. It is valuable advice to not just keep a marriage but nourish it and keep it healthy for both the man and women. Thank you for speaking truth especially in this day and age when unfortunately there are too many women like “shocked” teaching the younger generation the “its all about Me” ideology. They are gonna grow up not knowing what true love and sacrifice for one another is really about…… God bless you and I will be reading more of your articles
Good advice thank you.
Problem is that alot of women in the comments are so entitled and think way too much of themselves, and don’t wanna compromise. They forgot that any man in a relationship with them compromised about going out, having sex with other women, shared his income and about everything you compromise on when in a relationship.
At least I expect them to shut up when the matter at hand is not a big deal as mentioned in the article. They are obnoxious
Hey Moses, what if women were just people trying to get stuff done? It’s not because they wanna hurt the man, they just have a million things on their daily to-do list and they’re in a hurry cuz it’s a modern day and so much is expected of them with work and home life. They love to pander to their life partner if they had time but maybe they just don’t have time to wait for him to contemplate silently. Maybe if there was open communication & maybe we want to be a part of the process because we care. Being rejected from a project that’s going to affect both individuals doesn’t feel great either. Either way, I don’t know if you’ll read this and think I’m a jerk or maybe I’m just a person, but I think it’s just 2 different softwares having troubles reading each other
Some men ARE overly sensitive and insecure to the point that the slightest gesture or suggestion from their wife bruises the ego. The thought that a man wishes to be our hero is ridiculous. Wives aren’t looking for a hero, they are looking for a partnership with a strong man that can be honest, loyal, and has a teachable spirit. We all need God in marriage to guide us and keep us humble enough to engage with our spouse in love. A wife’s main job is to be a help meet. When she suggests or highlights something to her husband, he should be humble enough to receive it. Our intent is not to bruise the ego but if we do, then check yourself man because striving to be seen as Superman is not your job in my life…it’s to pray, protect, and provide; no where in the Bible does it say play the role of hero.
A woman will only be as hurtful as a man allows. If she can hurt you, the world can hurt you. If you’re at your snapping point guys it means you’re not centered. Center yourself and you’ll laugh at what used to bother you. Women unconsciously always kicking our tires to make sure they’re up to par. Thanks ladies!
A woman will only be as hurtful as a man allows. If she can hurt you, the world can hurt you. If you’re at your snapping point guys it means you’re not centered. Center yourself and you’ll laugh at what used to bother you. Women are unconsciously always kicking our tires to make sure they’re up to par. Thanks ladies!
Thank you for this article. My husband is extremely hypersensitive, I feel like every time I open my mouth he gets offended. I can relate to the women making comments about how men should just suck it up – if I’m being honest, I really wish my husband would “get over it” most of the time. But I can tell you from experience, that will never happen and if I continue to have that attitude, our marriage will fail. He refuses to go to marriage counseling (I’ve been seeing a therapist myself for years), and so I’ve been trying to learn new ways to approach conversations with him. I don’t consider that being weak and submissive – I feel like I’m doing my part to make our marriage healthier. I really do love my husband and I don’t want a divorce, I just wish it wasn’t so hard to communicate with him.
I can very much relate to your point of view, Karan, and I wish you a happy marriage you deserve.
I am beginning to think that men are the “weaker sex” emotionally, just like women are the “weaker sex” physically. (This statement applies in general, though there are exceptions, of course.)
Therefore, just like most husbands are kind enough to not take advantage of their wife’s lesser physical strength, wives should also be kind towards their husbands emtionally and not take advantage of their lesser emtional strength. Wives shouldn’t demand their husbands to have equal, or more, emtional strength as themselves.
The likes of “shocked” are nothing but “macho” partner beaters, except they beat their partners with emotion, not physical strength. But the result can be just as devastating.
I’m constantly teetering on the brink of walking out on my marriage. My husband has a sensitivity to everything. He can’t cope with change and moans all the time about everything. About six months ago we had new neighbours either side. Before these new neighbours arrived our neighbours we single elderly women. One left to be looked after by family the other had to go in to a nursing home. On one side our neighbours have two children under 10. Both children have issues which mean we can hear them screaming and crying especially in the early morning. The other side are an older couple who spend money on plants and frippery while claiming a lack of funds when it comes to essential repairs to the house they’ve just bought. The husband is a builder and practically had to re-wire and replace all the plaster on the walls and the kitchen & bathroom. The noise was just about doable for me, but not my husband. He’d bang on the walls. Shout bitchy comments hoping they would hear. He spies constantly on our neighbours and reports back to me everything they are doing. I tell him time and time again, that I don’t want to hear what they do but he delights in telling me anyway. At night he hogs the tv remote and constantly flicks through channels. Rarely asking if I was “watching that.” On the rare occasion I get the remote, if I put something I want to watch, he constantly talks all the way through it or he’ll leave the room & won’t come down stairs until he thinks the programme is over. I’ve given up! I don’t watch tv at all now. I put my headphones on and listen to music. Tonight he spent two hours channel flicking. And turning the sound up really loud then down again. When I asked him to stop he said it wasn’t him turning the sound up & down it was the tv channels.
He said he was bored because there was nothing on. I feel exhausted and worn out. He is so fussy and sensitive about food that he throws most of his meals in the bin. I’m not allowed to cook because he doesn’t trust that I can cook.
He won’t wear jumpers, even Cashmere because he says it’s itchy, won’t wear anything other than cotton shirts and undies. And schleps around in baggy tracksuit bottoms & stained T shirts most days. I feel like I’m married to a child not a man. I try to be sympathetic to his needs and concerns but it’s constant. I too feel like I am walking on egg shells because I can’t say anything to him about anything. If I do he blames it all on me.
Now I’ve got to the stage where I’ve lost respect for him I don’t trust him and I’ve realised I don’t like the way he makes me question my own intelligence or integrity. Answers on a post card. Please.
You are not alone!!
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it does help to know that I have plenty of company.
You go round and round; you start to question your own sanity.
You cannot “have a talk” like with a normal person.
Wow I could have written this
I dont know how I got here but knowing I’m not alone make a huge difference
Agree and thank you! I would say that the respect asked for in the article is not reciprocated back and having a similar experience watching him deteriorate into this super spy / child that was not the man I married. I realize we all change but it doesn’t seem like he’s moving in the right direction. Can’t find any advice on how to meet in the middle – his way or no way these days…
Replying to you and the ladies below; this is ABUSE. There is a vast difference between a partner being overly sensitive or unsecure and what you’ve got going on. Not allowing you to cook, constant criticism, need to have control over everything and everyone around is ABUSE. Run fast, run far.
Replying to you and the ladies below; this is ABUSE. There is a vast difference between a partner being overly sensitive or unsecure and what you’ve got going on. Not allowing you to cook, constant criticism, need to have control over everything and everyone around is ABUSE. Run fast, run far.