A grumpy husband needs compliments, not complaints
Tip: 51: Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints
Ladies, does your man seem to be doing everything right outside of the house, but at home he is often grumpy and withdrawn? Does he seem to be pleasant to everyone but you? Does he get upset over the littlest things you do and say? Do you feel like you are being ignored? If you are nodding yes, yes, yes, then here’s a news flash for you: these are all signs of a man who is absolutely starving for affirmation.
My research has shown that being grumpy and withdrawn are two specific indicators of a man who is feeling unappreciated at home. If this is the case, my bet is that your husband is just itching to hear some positive affirmation from you about the things he is doing right!
Being grumpy and withdrawn are two indicators of a man who feels unappreciated at home. Share on XI realize it might sound odd to hear that feeling unappreciated can lead to grumpiness, but keep this in mind: men and women are two totally different creatures. As women, we love to feel loved and know that our man adores and cherishes us. We light up when we hear him say, “I love you.” But he’s a very different person.
Instead of just hearing your undying affection, your man needs to see and hear that you notice what he does well. In other words: rather than hearing you correct him. Rather than hearing all the “helpful” advice you have about how he could have gotten the DVD player fixed more quickly, and gee, what a shame that we can’t watch a movie tonight as a family. Rather than hearing you mention – yet again – that he should have left work earlier to not have to rush to get Johnny to soccer.
All of which implies that he isn’t doing a good job as man or a husband.
All of which makes him withdrawn. Maybe even grumpy.
Why would a few well-placed corrective comments matter so much to a man? Because he doesn’t doubt whether you love him: he doubts whether he is any good at what he does for you. Inside, your man is crying out: Do I measure up? And more specifically: Does she think I measure up?
You might be skeptical that he’d really have that vulnerability. Trust me, if he’s like the vast majority of men on my surveys: he does. Which means even your most innocuous comments can come across to him as criticism. If he takes the car for a car wash, and you innocently ask, “Honey, why didn’t you fill the tank up while you were there?” you are directly saying “no you don’t measure up” – even if you would never think of it that way!
To a sensitive man, even the most innocuous comments can come across as criticism. Share on XBy criticizing something positive he has done, we are saying the exact opposite of what he’s craving to hear. In fact, we’ve just said the one thing he dreads most: “No, sorry, you don’t measure up; in fact, what you did wasn’t good enough. Fail!” And I can guarantee you that, when a guy feels inadequate and disrespected in that way, he is very likely going to get angry and shut down. And if it happens consistently, he’s going to get grumpy and withdrawn. Because hanging in there and continuing to try – only to be told you still aren’t good enough – is simply too painful.
So, if you are looking for the best way to get your husband to open up and love being with you again, start with this: for a few weeks, stop yourself from saying anything negative to him or about him. Instead, notice something each day that he does well and let him know how much you appreciate it. When he sheepishly confesses that he worked a bit late, and so Johnny was late to soccer again, give your man a big hug and tell him how much you appreciate that he works so hard to support the family – and still takes the time to cheer Johnny on. “It means so much to him that you are there with him at his practices.”
Seriously. Try it. I’ll bet the farm that those seemingly minor comments will have a huge impact on your man. And I can almost guarantee you that with all of that positive affirmation, you will begin seeing a lot less “grumpy” and a lot more “happy” in your hubby. Here’s to better days ahead!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
If the man is grumpy , may be HE needs to change a few things HE. Is doing!!! Why do you keep telling the woman that it’s her fault and she needs to change ?!?!! This is 2015!!
I agree.
Shelby, It seems that you may be upset about how things may be going in your relationship. This section of this site is for your husband. There are sections that are for husbands for their wives. It isn’t being implied that we are living in the stone age and we need to bow to our husbands. You should invest in her relationship books, get into a marriage study group at your church, it really is life changing for both spouses. I wish you well.
I am just now seeing this response. The reason is because I do not have time to check blogs. My relationship is perfectly fine , thank you. We obviously live in two different worlds . In ours there is a mutual respect for each other. Mutual love for each other. We have five children and both work outside of the home. We both have a lot of volunteer interests and outside responsibilities. Therefore we both are allowed to be grumpy at times and have expectations of the other. It seems as though this is set up for only relationships where there is a stay at home mom and it seems as though the woman is always expected to tiptoe around the man. When a woman has other responsibilities and isn’t just waiting for her man to come home, he is expected to step up as well. He is extremely proud of my accomplishments and I am proud of his. If either one if us has a grumpy period , it’s our own faults for not getting enough sleep or taking on too much. It’s not because we don’t feel we measure up , and need affirmation . We apologize for our own downfalls; we do not expect the other one to make up for them. Don’t always think because someone disagrees with you that they are having problems. I am proud that we don’t follow this “biblical” way of marriage and we are both capable of making intelligent decisions. There doesn’t need to be a leader and a follower.
You are a problem yourself..! It reeks! Stop telling yourself different. You just happen to have a man who can bend and bear all your ills. To start, this is just an advice,. You don’t have to take it. We all are in 2015, not just you. We also know that even friends, classmates, respect each other and sometimes when your friend is down and charges out unnecessarily, the other if smart knows to be cool. They care for each other and later they find a way to get back to it with more respect knowing the other person understood when he was irrational. The society and laws have taught you to bend the man until he lives a miserable life and some. When you husband or friend or brother or mum is grumpy, you can take the humble and loving stance. You won’t die.
How can you compliment him on the things he does well when he does nothing at All. He goes to work, come home and make a b line to his office and stay there until bedtime, he doesn’t talk to me, eat with me and no sex…. but when I type to talk to him… he is grumpy and mean..
I totally agree with you. I have the same problem. No talking…eats ber I can sit down after cooking it and plays on the computer all night. Then who wants sex anyways.
Thanks so much for the advice. I’ll definitely give this a try. My husband has been working so hard and I’ve been a bit preoccupied with other things. I can see, now, that he probably is seeking some appreciation for all the work he’s been doing!
I also agree the husband is 50% of the problem…taking ownership and helping more around house might make everyone not cranky. I get a little annoyed to read that the man needs to be coddled or his ego stroked just so he will be kind and nice.
you mean taking leadership?
I am shocked at some of the comments on here. I know personally for me I can say things a bit harshly to friends and family, I work at a busy law firm, and forget to take the time to slow down and appreciate my husband. This is not just for stay at home moms but for people who are actually willing to humble themselves enough to do just basic marriage maintenance. I am willing to compliment my husband if it means we’re closer and happier.
Finally!!! Thank you for your comment, I was in disbelief of most of the comments on here…
I have spent the last 40 years doing nothing but complimenting my husband. I have had male friends say they wish their wife loved them like I love my husband. They have said this in front of my husband. He works hard. He cooks, vacuums and our yard always looks great. He is the quintessential fix-it man. He doesn’t like to go out and do things and always finds problems if something is my idea. His go to mood is just grumpy and he rarely smiles. I make too much of a mess when I cook and he usually will redo any cleaning I do. I’ve told him that I’ve noticed he seems grumpy and if everything is okay. He always says he is fine or just won’t answer me. I know he is unhappy with his job, but I never know if it is work or me. I have a very stressful job myself and it gets hard to come home to someone who never seems happy to see me. It breaks my heart.
Why do you stay with him ? His grumpy attitude certainly can do nothing good for your mental well-being!