Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be
Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.
Tip #44: Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be
Ladies, have you ever had one of those moments when you were at the boiling point over something your husband did that seemed inconsiderate? Even when we love and respect our husbands, at times our emotions can get the best of us — especially when we get hurt or deeply disappointed by something he said or did. Or didn’t do!
Even when we love & respect our husbands, at times our emotions can get the best of us. Share on XPerhaps he left his clothes on the floor again this morning, or his dirty dishes at the table, after you’ve asked him nicely to put them where they belong. Or, maybe you had gone to great lengths to plan a special night for the two of you since he had the day off and the kids were having a sleepover. You even planned a special “dessert” to spice things up, since you finally had some time to yourselves. But your plans went up in smoke when you found him asleep on the couch after a long day of laying that tile in the bathroom.
It’s easy for frustrated thoughts to flood our minds: “I can’t believe him! He’s going to lay there and sleep, and ignore everything I’ve done to get us some together time!” And believe me, I get it: after all your efforts to create a special evening, it’s no wonder you’re disappointed, hurt, and even mad. But it is so important to take control of those thoughts, so they don’t take control of you! If we are subconsciously assume and stew about, “He doesn’t care / he’s so insensitive!” very little good will come from that. Instead, force yourself to get a different perspective on the situation and your spouse.
It is so important to take control of your thoughts, so they don’t take control of you! Share on XWhenever we are hurt by our spouse, it is essential (and helpful and beneficial) to look for the more generous explanation, and to act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research, more than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouses. Even in struggling marriages, they care. But even the best of us can sometimes be insensitive, or do things that hurt the other person without intending to!
Whenever we are hurt by our spouse, it is essential to look for the more generous explanation. Share on XAs I have studied the habits of the happiest marriages, it is clear that one reason they are, overall, so happy is that these spouses refuse to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they are hurt.
All of us can do that. Think how things would change if we altered our assumption to, “I know he loves me, so he probably had no clue how that was going to make me feel.” That grace-filled response will make everything different. And thankfully, this is not just wishful thinking!
Might it be, for example, that he wasn’t ignoring a “much-needed opportunity to be together?” Might it be that he wasn’t purposefully being a jerk and not caring about you? Could it be, instead, that the months of overtime at work and a full day of tiling the bathrooms simply took their toll, and he was just wiped out? Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his nap time, but chances are he was looking forward to a night together as much as you were. If you look back over the day, choosing to believe the best of his intentions, then the day will look much differently.
I can assure you, if you take a moment to be generous in your thoughts toward your spouse and to see the good in him in the trying moments, it will be well worth it.
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
It’s hurtful and men ‘get a pass’ for being inconsiderate. Women do not. After 30 years of marriage I am tired of asking for him to do something I like, NOT what he thinks I should like. Expectations …… A big mistake. I feel very lonely in my marriage.
MP,
My heart hurts for your suffering. I pray for your comfort in love as well as your suffering to be for a beneficial outcome that strengthens your heart as well your ability to receive endless love and appreciation.
I have been suffering in my marriage as of late because I have been shouldering all the burdens of my spouse. When I see possible suffering in either of our walks, I charge forth and take it on that my spouse doesn’t have need to. I have always lived with the motto “Do onto others as you would have others do onto you”. Unconsciously I have narcissistically expected that when I do such works, “others will do onto me what I have done onto them” and that I will be rewarded with praise and worship. Admittedly it is great to receive acknowledgement for good works, however that is vein and not Christian work, it is vanity. When I have taken on such service for my loving spouse I have not disclosed of what I expect my reward to be. Instead I say I do it for love (not consciously aware that I do it for my spouses love on me). That leaves me expecting and my spouse feeling as if payment has been met. I then add inconsiderate to the list in my head to what is wrong with my spouse. I have recently and consciously been mindful towards my motives for my actions and when I do things for my spouse I either explain I want kisses and love for my actions or I remember that Jesus was a servant and thus I need to humble myself and be a servants servant.
I pray you suffer not from the narcissism in which I have come akin to and that you receive the love you give and deserve.
No no no no no, I understand you’re trying to be a good Christian and that’s your interpretation but it is not selfish to ask that your husband carries an equal burden to the extent that each of you are able. Marriage is a partnership and what is more selfish is him expecting you to always be the one to bend around his wishes in a relationship. Your wishes ought to be valued and also acted upon in love.
My God, the mental gymnastics you American ladies have to go through. You don’t need to mention any expectations, if they are thinking about you, they’d give you a satisfying response in some form.
Buying into that BS of “I can’t mind read”, “your fault for having feelings and expectations” is insane. The rest of the world with more mature men, they’d draw the line for you and know to meet you there instead of making you come all the way. I pity you guys.
I feel for you and I agree.
DR Phillip I think it’s a great life ahead with the kids to be with her and he loves her and just agree with each other and love each other from the heart
What a load of rubbish!!! How can you suggest that women should dismiss their bad behaviour?! Maybe if it’s a one off and not his usual behaviour then of course assume it’s not deliberate but if it’s his pattern to be inconsiderate then I think we are doing the human race a great disservice to simply accept that behaviour! We will never get women treated with respect by continuing to pander to mens bad behaviour. Really irresponsible article. I’m sorry
I agree, why is it okay to just pretend things are fine if they are not. This advice seems terribly old fashioned, there is talk of the ‘happiest’ marriages; are they not just the longest lasting because wifey suffers in silence instead of standing up to a disrespectful husband. If your marriage is suffering don’t just brush over the issue and force yourself to believe something else that is not so bad, this will only result in severe depression and self isolation, believe me I know. I was in an unhappy marriage for twelve years as a result of doing things like this. My husband was only interested in my house, car and other things that made his life easy. He would stay at home all day claiming to be a house husband while I worked three jobs to support my children and did a full time university course. When I would get home he would have piled the dishes up for me, not lit the fire, trashed the house like a teenager whilst checking his facebook messages. His behaviour was unacceptable and he eventually left me for a MUCH younger model. Women or Men! do not sit there quietly acting like things are not that bad. This is NOT 1952. A relationship should be based on love and sharing and equal respect form both parties. It deeply saddens me that advice like this is even out there. If your marriage is falling apart try some marriage guidance counselling and if all else fails there is no shame in ending things. It’s just the way things can turn out sometimes and it is perfectly natural. We as human beings are certainly not slaves to anyone!
I was refreshed reading this! Thank you so much. It’s is so real!!!
Agreed!! In any other context, if you had to deal with someone who continually failed to meet their obligations and disrespected your work, over the long term you would be advised to leave. Nobody would keep a friend who acted like that, and nobody would keep an employer like that so long as the job market was strong enough that you could find another place to work. If a guest in my home acted this way they would not be invited to return even if they were a blood relative. There is a certain point after which, if you’ve had (or attempted to have) several frank-but-gentle discussions about a destructive or inconsiderate behaviour and it continues, then the lack of intent to hurt you becomes an apathy towards hurting you. Because that person now knows how much that toxic behaviour is hurting the relationship and they’ve decided that they don’t care enough to turn it around. Being Mother #2 to a manchild is not my idea of a happy marriage — love is an action and it needs to go BOTH WAYS for a marriage to work.
I’m currently engaged and have put off our 2/14/19 wedding date previously based on your statements above.
Destructive and inconsiderate behavior. Too frequently I feel that he’s just doing and doesn’t think about my kids and I.
“There is a certain point after which, if you’ve had (or attempted to have) several frank-but-gentle discussions about a destructive or inconsiderate behaviour and it continues, then the lack of intent to hurt you becomes an apathy towards hurting you. Because that person now knows how much that toxic behaviour is hurting the relationship and they’ve decided that they don’t care enough to turn it around.”
Tina……sums it up pefectly
I think your are 100 right
Agree 100% ! I thought I had taken stepped into a wormhole reading this blog. No way. There is grace and there is letting someone treat you like less while you just grin and bear it… for what??? Imagine all the great blessings you are missing in your life by not choosing a path that is actually true to what you believe. I know marriage is not fifty-fifty. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes it’s 90/10 but if it is ALWAYS so disproportionate then that is not a marriage.. that is being taken advantage of.
I feel the same way, I have 6 children 3 younger ones, one day I had surgery and I bled very heavy and bad.. the baby was a newborn and needed lots of attention and help, I barely could move my husband was gone all day when he came back and I told him that I was laying on the floor in pain and could barely move he told me if I couldn’t be a mom and needed help I should have not had the new baby! It’s not his job all he is suppose to do is pay the bills! I wanted to slit his throat but I was to weak to move he made me so mad nothing has changed only got worse and I want a divorce it’s not fair to me or the kids! What do you think?
I agree! My husband did the same thing the day after I had a hysterectomy! Selfish narcissistic behavior!!! No empathy whatsoever! Things are just as bad now too!!
Your not alone, trust me. Ive asked for the same things over and over and explained how him giving me what i need would make me feel. It falls on deaf ears. Its time to take the “Ignorance Pass” away
I know how you feel. A husband that takes the work his wife does like it’s not important is a hurtful thing. Why can’t men just see how important wives are in a marriage?
Right, I came here looking for advice and all I got was “boys will boys” and “he doesn’t mean to”.
We had his family over for a BBQ. All day, I asked if he could put a can of lemon drink in the freezer for me so it’ll get cold quicker. Somehow he kept forgetting – in the end he finally put a drink in – it was a Pepsi, which I had specially asked not to be the case as I am breastfeeding a 2 week old baby and would not want to have caffeine drinks for the baby’s sake. I let it pass and went instead to put my lemon drink in the freezer and told him so as to avoid any ‘accidental’ removal of my drink from the freezer. 2 hours later, he went to drop his family. I asked my 7 year old to get me the drink only for him to report there wasn’t anything in there. I checked myself and then called my husband to find out, if he’d moved it and where I should be checking instead. He said he had taken it out and given to his sibling with no regard for me as always! He saw no reason why i should be upset as it was simply a case of me popping another drink in the freezer and waiting. I’m not sure why men should be given a free pass for being inconsiderate as this article suggests. Actions speak louder than words and I agree with MP, women don’t get a pass for even being half as inconsiderate as a man!!
Completely agree. My partner always says I don’t speak to him with respect but I think I lost it for him a while back after Ive had to pick up his clothes, and generally pick up after him and when he rarely makes me a cuppa, I make him one all the time. Yes I know its a stupid reason but it’s important to me, and when he does, it’s lovely! But then it doesn’t happen again for a few months… sometimes he does something amazing and thoughtful, but are grand gestures meant to just brush everything else under the carpet?
At my mother’s party funeral my husband was so busy socializing with my best friend. I went all day with out a drink of any kind. I had no money to purchase a drink for myself. He had no problem buying her drinks all day. This I found out by accident.I had taken my mother into my home for her last days of her life. Worked endless to see to her needs at the end of her life and keep the house up for the flood of people coming to say good bye. Missed a few days work so no pay. No sleep and went to work for a few days so at least I had some money in following paycheck.. I was so sick from her death, no support of any kind. Topped off by no money to even buy myself a much needed drink of anything. I was to embarrassed to ask for a glass of water. Even when I said I had a horrible headache and needed a drink to take the motrin with. I went to the old coffee area for old left over coffee. Finally this was free. He still never offered to buy me a drink. If this is acceptable and a pass be given to him. Hello what world do you live in.
Okay ladies… Keep on bitching. I mean, do you even realize how nescient you sound? If you really think your husband gets a “free pass” as opposed to you, clearly you are the dumbass in the equation ???? we all make mistakes in a marriage, male or female!
Hey Btay – I’m Shaunti’s staff director. If you want your point to be heard, be respectful. All of us have a choice to be influential with our opinions and perspectives or just spout off at the mouth with absolutely no power to influence change of thought, perspective or behavior. It appears you just want to vent – please do it respectfully so we don’t have to censor your comments b/c we prefer to have free exchange of thoughts and ideas here to the degree that we can be respectful in that exchange.
Your obviously a guy or just a rude person with such language. This is a forum for people to express themselves…..not to be cursed at or ridiculed.
It’s a difference between a MIstake and a behavior if this is constant, then only a dumb ass, as u would call it would let someone treat them this way! U sound like the dumb ass some of these husband are! Get out of here with that disrespectful talk to these women who are reaching out DUMB ASS
Sounds like BTay is yet another manchild making excuses. In 2018, women in most parts of the western world are expected to shoulder the bulk of the domestic chores and emotional labor while holding down a full-time job, and if there are children in the equation then childcare arrangements become their job too. If you don’t understand why this is a gendered problem then you need to pull your head out your bum and go read The Second Shift, or maybe just stop dismissing women and assuming you’re right all the time. This isn’t a new problem and most new research shows that it hasn’t changed as much recently as people assume it has. There is also research showing that men think they do a much greater % of the household work than they actually do, largely because women’s work is invisible to them. BTay maybe one day you will wake up and realize it takes actual work to upkeep a household, and it’s not magical fairies doing it in yours.
Imagine being a man who winds up in this article due to an argument with his wife and makes these kinds of trivializing comments? “Ladies don’t you know you sound sooo stupid for having boundaries and limits?” Enjoy your divorce, I guess, since that’s what you’ve chosen too.
Ladies ignore BTay’s insensitive remark. Clearly does not know the meaning of respect.
Here’s what I want to know – what happens after you nicely tell your husband that his actions hurt you and he continues to do the same thing? My husband seems to be unaware of ANY considerate behavior. I am embarrassed to think of all the things I have had to talk to him about. I suppose the writing is on the wall. I should not remain married.
I m going through the same frustration,after 15yrs of telling him nicely multiple times about same issues, it doesn’t stop my husband from repeatedly doing the same inconsiderate things. I wish that he would learn from past mistakes,so that we do not continue to waste our energy on arguing over the same things that should of been solved long ago. I have tried to be hopeful and forgiving,but the stress of the relationship is really physically and mentally draining. I know that I cannot continue w this for much longer. I do know I deserve to share my life w someone who cares. I’m a stay at hm mom and online college student-I feel like I shouldn’t be married also and I hope I can find a way out financially but also emotionally. The problem is he’s a great dad, dependable and has some qualities I adore but he’s disrespectful and communication about anything is really hard w him, He dose not contribute to any of my emotional needs, how can I feel connected with him dismissing everything that’s important to me. I know I can never be happy w him but for years he promises he loves me and he will work on it, but it’s at the point where I do not believe him anymore and I have lost hope w us.
Me too! I can so relate to that. I keep on keeping on with therapy and I’m stuck in some kind of fantasy land thinking things will change. I have sold my soul to the devil I have been told.
I agree, you should not remain married. There is a difference between lack of intent and intentional lack of regard. If your husband continues to do the same thing after you repeatedly discussed it and tried to work it through then in my opinion this becomes willful ignorance. It’s easier for him to ignore your needs than to correct the behaviour, because he sees no downside to hurting you repeatedly. If he doesn’t care about hurting you repeatedly, IMO that should be a big warning bell going off in your head.
Not to seem rude – But reading through all of these negative, malicious comments on a fantastic article such as this makes me think that the writers of such ill-mannered posts don’t really WANT to “look for the more generous explanation”.
Great writing as always Shaunti!
Probably many of us had tried maybe for years to practice looking for the good, but some husbands really are inconsiderate and it becomes frustrating and old to have to deal w the same pattern when husbands continually do not put in any effort to be more mindful and do their part in working on relationship. A relationship cannot be great if only one is being understanding- it leaves one partner needs always being neglected.
Hi Everyone! I’m late to the party! I definitely 100% understand Everyone’s comments. From my experience, alot of you are explaining narcissistic men. My child’s father behaved in that manner, he was extremely disrespectful and intentionally tried to hurt me. That is emotional abuse and he never took responsibility for any of his actions and had no remorse for hurting me. If this sounds like your situation then please, please, seek help and get out, it will never get better because those men need professional help!
Now, on the other hand. I have a new man who is much more loving, open , and respectful… but he still at times does inconsiderate things. That is when this article comes into play. I choose to believe that he did not intentionally hurt me because generally all of his actions are loving/caring for me and he shows me that he values me every day. So occasionally, he does do something that I feel is inconsiderate. I choose not to get upset and try to understand what he is feeling. Once I’m at a place where I can articulate my feelings to him without disrespecting him, I talk to him about it and he apologizes because he did not know. I enjoyed this article and it helped me to get back to a loving place in my heart for my guy/soon to be husband.
Instead of having to always look for the more “generous” explanations , I think it’s perfectly fine to have expectations and to be disappointed if they aren’t met . Giving men a pass all the time just creates women that are doormats . There’s a reason these women are writing . It’s time to view marraige as a 50/50 partnership with love and respect going BOTH ways .
Sometimes, counseling is vital. Sometimes it takes years to undercover a dysfunction or personality disorder. Especially if expressed anger is actually enabling the spouse to continue their selfishness. Most times both spouses need healing from previous or current hurts and come awake from denial. Also, it is not uncommon for couples to need 2 to 5 years of dedicated work to overcome previous dysfunction al patterns. Not am easy fix.
Giving man a “pass” really isn’t so much for them as it is for ourselves. Choosing to stay committed when perhaps he REALLY doesn’t deserve that commitment, meams letting things “go” some of which are incredibly painful. I cannot change him, only change myself…..how I deal with my emotions to his “lacks”. “Think how thimgs would change if we altered our assumptions” isn’t as much about giving him a pass, as it is giving yourself a chance to NOT stew over something that he’s not likely to change anyway. It will help those of us who want to stay committed, who CHOOSE to stay committed, to feel better about the relationship. I choose to stay even though he doesn’t see a need to be any different and is often very inconsiderate. It helps ME, to be accepting. It doesn’t have to be “fair” to be right!
Why on earth would you want to stay committed to someone who doesn’t deserve that commitment? There are so many different people, projects and dreams in this world that will actually fulfill you if you invest your time and love in them. Wasting your time and love on a chronic ingrate seems pointless and the only reason I can think of that someone would choose to do this intentionally is if they’ve fallen for the sunk cost fallacy. If this is a financial issue for you, start building your career. If it’s a “staying together for the kids” thing then know that children of unhappy marriages end up even more messed up than children of divorcees.
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I can so relate to everyone here. I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life. Pretty bad when your adult kids tell you to leave. My husband is mean and thoughtless. He won’t talk to me about it, he won’t go to therapy or counseling. He yells at me and stresses me out so badly, he doesn’t talk he yells. Goes to work and home and hasn’t gone anywhere in a decade. Sits in front of the TV all day and sleeps. I wish there was hope but some people don’t want to change, they cannot see that their actions are so toxic, they feel as if they are victims and want to wallow in their misery and drag everyone with them. I wish I had something to work with but there is nothing there.
I need advice please. Am married and my husband stays in US and am in Nigeria. I notice he doesn’t wear his wedding and when I asked him. It becomes and issues and he stop taking my calls and replying my chat. Should I stop talking to him too! I didn’t do anything wrong. I only ask that he wear his wedding ring when going out with his friends. I think he doesn’t wanna talk to me because am expecting some money from him so his using that now
Hey there. This is a good idea at heart but glosses over people being inconsiderate and the toll it takes out on a relationship when the mistake is repeated. Like hey ladies your man is obviously not capable or evolved enough so just reach further within yourself rather than finding a reasonable solution that actually works for both of you.
I really understand it when you said evolved enough, I will probably never see him experience any aha moment. I really should just do my best to accept this and not waste my breath over my husband not being able to grasp what I’m saying. But in same token i cannot fully accept that I can live w someone like that forever. In the mean time it probably help me cope until I’m in better situation to leave
Agreed. Perhaps my husband falling asleep after a long day of physical labor isn’t inconsiderate. But him choosing that day to do the work when its likely been on the To Do list for months is. Perhaps he could have done some of the work then napped in the afternoon so he could be alert and attentive for the rare date instead. Or a hundred other ways he could have structured the day to avoid the inevitable consequence.
Choosing to just let those hurtful things slide isn’t the key to a happy relationship. Thinking more generously of the partner can help – but only if you still talk it out and tell them that no matter their intent, it hurt you, and they need to work on their communication or decision making or whatever the core issue is so that it doesn’t become a pattern where you just let yourself be repeatedly hurt and they never change in any way because you never told them they were hurting you. Those little hurts can build up into a relationship crisis, like the situations of many people finding this page when desperately seeking help online. Without any mention of the need to still bring these problems up with your partner and the need for your partner to improve, it’s no wonder so many women see it as just one more source telling them that they need to just quietly hide their pain or their marriage won’t be happy.
I think the ladies here who have such strong comments are missing the point. It sounds to me like yohr husbands are acting like asses.. and all of us, men amd women alike, do act like asses.
Some of you are claiming that this article intends to make you feel you should always give your man a “free pass”. I don’t know what article you read, but the one I read says nothing about that.
I believe this article is simply saying to at least *try* to see it from the generous point of view before reacting. The author is no dummy, but yet soany of you are automatically going on the defensive. Are all mens’ actions warrantes? NO! Sometimes we do stupid stuff. Sometimes they are simply jerks, and many are ALWAYS jerks.
Take this article for what it says. It was written to be read “in general”, not specific to wveryone who reads it.
And frankly, both men AND women should read this article and take its advice. All situations SHOULD be looked at from the generous point of view FIRST. Does that mean that the conclusion is always a generous one? NO! But it’s good advice. If your spouse screwed up, he/she will never know whether or not you attempted to analyze the situation first.
So take your time, analyze, and if the “generous” view doesn’t cut the mustard, you’re peefectly within your rights to come to a different conclusion.
What’s aggravating about this article, is the fact that several of us are looking for solutions to fixing a what has become a huge problem and there is no real depth to this advice. I get it, what the author wants to convey. But what about the 90% of the time that he really is using his wife and not helping or doing his minimum? We want help? We’re headed for a split. I know I’ve tried bring nice, arguing, crying, doing it myself, everything. NO depth to this article
It’s almost as if women reading the article and commenting have spent years approaching their husband from the generous perspective already and having it fail repeatedly. The content of this article, and your comment, is incredibly obvious and nobody coming here is going to be in need of that kindergarten level of advice so to offer it is kind of offensive and missing the point. You might as well tell someone whose car is flipped over and lit on fire, that if their car won’t start they should try putting their key in to check the trouble code. I think this comment is one example of your stupid stuff!
Honestly you just sound drunk and defensive.
There comes a time when it’s too far gone to give him the benefit of the doubt, at which time you are a doormat being taken for granted. Yes, let the little things slide, but if you are dealing with the illness and death of a parent and he’s still only worried about himself, it’s time to realize he’s just an insensitive ass and cut him loose. Men like that will never change.
Hi Shaunti,
I want to assume he doesn’t want to be inconsiderate but it’s tough to swallow when I see him not getting up to help me with groceries or coming home and cooking after a long day at work but ready to help a friend set up a party, run errands, set up chafing dishes and all. He’s all about putting on a show while treating me and kids like doormats. Kids see it and it hurts them. But he’s got a narcissistic personality and it’s easier to just look past it than point it out and argue.
Exactly the same argument I’ve had with my partner. I feel like I’m so low on his priority list, and yet he jumps at the chance to help so called friends who aren’t really friends at all. And when I raise it with him, he looks at me like I’m wrong to think that. I probably am, but doesn’t stop me feeling it…
I know excactly what you mean. My guy has no problem helping his “buddies”. This weekend his daughter came after 3 months of not seeing her and like always he left me and the kids to go hang out with his friends. It’s Easter Sunday today and again he’s gone. In three years he’s maybe don’t the dishes twice, says he’ll be home in 15 minutes and shows up 7 hours later. Invites his family for dinner and leaves. Spends 10 grand on his car and then bitches about how much I spend at the dollar store. When I bring it up he threatens to leave, or says it’s my fault for nagging him. He’s got two kids and so do I, ive spent more time with his kids then he has by far this whole relationship. At this point I just feel stuck. He’s gone crazy lengths from keeping me from jobs like laying behind my car or threatening to kill himself, and times I want to just take the kids and leave for a while he takes the keys so we’re all stuck. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like I was tricked since he wasn’t like this in the beginning, not until he ninja’d me in this situation because he knows I have no family and pushed all my friends away. Just feels hopeless and incredibly lonely
What you have described is an abusive relationship. You need to get help.
This is the reason why men continue to do the things that make wife’s unhappy. This website is basically saying it’s ok darling his a man start trying to convince yourself that what he doing is ok then it won’t bother you as much. WHAT!!! Ridiculous, he should think about his wife and correct his wrongs.
Hello All
I often feel like my husband is inconsiderate or just does not care. Not only does he leave his clothes hanging around all over the place. He eats the last of the food, leaves dishes in the sink and puts what I think is important on the back burner. Whenever, I ask him to do something the answer is always later and later never comes. He always says he does not want me to nag him and I think of it as if you did it when I first asked you to I would not have to nag. He thinks about himself almost all the time if it not about him or for him its not food and he tries to reverse it on me. Right not he is on unemployment and is expecting me to pay for everything. It is frustrating.Any suggestions?
Why are so many men like this? The nagging thing kills me, you sum it up correctly. I told my husband, listen don’t offer to do it and then fail to do it. Tell me up front when you are going to do it, and if something comes along that means you cannot do it then we can figure something else out. He blows up when I say this! He said its like I’m calling him a liar, yet for 20 years I go through his broken promises. The solution would be to have money to pay someone to do it, or learn to do it oneself. This will make you laugh. For 2 years I waited for him to put up cupboards that I had purchased. Then on the spur of the moment I had a teenager come over from across the street to hold it up so I could screw it to the wall. He came home and saw this and it was the biggest fight – he was so mad at me yet he ended up taking over. Yet he makes me to be the demon in this interaction. Sometimes I think its easier to be single.
Polly, you are absolutely right. Sometimes it is easier to be single.
I was married for 26 years and my husband died. Frankly, I was relieved. I have had more conversations, more fun, more freedom, more joy being on my own. I love it.
Now it’s ME time and I no longer have to endure the emotional distress, loneliness, isolation, and verbal reprimands.
We long to be listened to and cherished and appreciated.
When that doesn’t happen there is dis – ease which causes disease. I developed stage 3 cancer. It is now in remission.
Now I would not put up with such inconsiderate behaviour. I am better off on my own.
Honey Bee
I agree with you Honey Bee. The body keeps the score. All that stress and frustration causes illnesses.Its been over 28 years for me and he can’t keep one single promise, not one, no matter how small.He walks away from me every single time I try to communicate my issues, regardless of where we are so that means that I can risk being stranded or made to get out of the car on a dark stretch of road with no money, therefore I refused to go anywhere with him. He says he’s escaping conflict which might explain things, were it not for the fact that he blames me, turns it all around on me before he ‘escapes’. I’d call it minimising and invalidating. There is a fine line when it comes to be inconsiderate or just plain abusive. I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life, not only that but my son deserved a better father than him as now he is attempting to use our son against me knowing that I’m cold to him, I have no respect for him.
Yesterday he mixed up my decaffeinated and caffeinated Teabags, I’m a narcoleptic so knowing which is which, it is a big deal for me, these things happen just too many times for them to be mere thoughtlessness. I’d call it sabotaging behaviour. He also uses blocking behaviour, setting me up to fail constantly. I don’t believe a word he says anymore.
Today I told my husband that my mammogram warranted a breast biopsy. This afternoon he was watching TV and laughing.
I asked him if he was having a good day and he said, “yes”.
Ouch!
I am sorry you had to go through this in 2016. I hope your diagnosis was good news. You definitely deserve someone who wants to be with you. I truly hope you are happy now.
After weeks of excuses from my husband about buying new shirts he goes and buys them with his co worker(a female). when i told him about it began to act as if i was frustrating him. i feel very hurt and disappointed that after trying with him he would do something like that. i only found out when he was cleaning out his stuff and asked me if i liked certain shirts that he could keep. i told him we would go and get some tomorrow and he said he went yesterday with his co worker.
Why wouldnt i feel that my husband doesnt want to be inconsiderate?
Why do women, why is it mostly their lot to go through mental or emotional gymnastics, and for women to swallow their feelings, just to work their way around a husbands various forms of inconsideration and outright selfishness? My husband’s “I forgot-s” or “why are you making such a big deal about it-s” are killing me. If I so much as move one of his precious bike shorts he flips, or if I ask him why he hasn’t done something he committed to ages ago he blows like a boiler. Yet, he perpetrates outrages that he would not even begin to tolerate if the table was turned. In my case, I’ve tried the collegial friendly ally solution and all it means is I am not getting my needs met while working harder to meet his needs. Sometimes I think I’ll turn the tables, mimic his inconsiderate actions, but I know if I fight fire with fire the marriage will end. So I think that tells me all I need to know. If you’re working too hard, its not working. I think I answered my own problem 😉
Married 3 months in a relationship total 8 years. Finances are the only issue. I make more than my husband and he barely gives me money without a fit and moans and groans about what I spend my money on. If he has money and I don’t he gives me penny’s. I try to handle it with understanding but sometimes I’m drowning with bills and he just holds his money so tight. I feel like going now before it’s the same 20 years later. That’s our only issue but it’s everything when someone tells you one thing and shows you another. Advice please
I can agree partially wit the writer. If a man is not as considerate SOMETIMES, then it’s best to not to make a big fuss. But most of these women are venting about things their husbands do overall period of time. Even though it may seem small, it all adds up to a huge problem. Men that are like that just want you to adapt to their selfish ways and just deal with it. But have sense ladies to know that you have to put your foot down and not tolerate it.
Why should men get a free pass at everything because they apparently “mean no harm” but just didn’t think too much about it?! Hate that argument! Would it stand in any court of law? If they don’t think or analyze situations, they should be taught to do that-be more sensitive, caring and nurturing. It isn’t all a woman’s job!
Our society allows men to be stupid selfish pricks because that is apparently just “how they are” while women have to sacrifice EVERYTHING and expect nothing in return.
Women who are single are smart.
I know my husband is a sweet, caring man but sometimes I still feel like my husband is inconsiderate. Lately, I have taken the time to analyze why I feel this way about him. The results of my analysis were really eye opening.
First, I came to the obvious conclusion that my husband is a friendly, happy-go-lucky guy. He’s fun, responsible, dependable and spontaneous all at the same time but there are still these little things that he does. He’s disorganized, he shies away from housework, and he expects me to know everything.
On the flip-side, I am less-outgoing, neat and self-reliant. At least, that is the stuff seen on the surface. Deep down there are lots of things that make the two of us the way we are. As for me, my mom and much older sister are bossy women. They have to tell everyone exactly how to do everything, where to put everything, all the time. They don’t even give anyone a chance to try. I can easily spot the overbearing nagging wife in them and then I took that focused lens and saw the same in me. Uh oh. I also realized, much like them, I am a score-keeper. If I do something nice, I want something nice in return. This also crops up in what I don’t do. If I don’t hangout with my friends on the weekend, I also expect him not to. I don’t tell him that. I didn’t consciously know I was feeling that way but when I really think about it, that is the truth. I have come to the conclusion that this, er…I…am guilty of occasionally being unreasonable. I don’t enjoy being this way. I don’t enjoy being a part of the problem in any relationship and I especially don’t enjoy treating the man I love in this manner. So what to do?
Well, I am just at the beginning of this journey but I have made some confessions. First, I admit that I am envious of his happy-go-lucky personality. I wish I didn’t feel like I was measured with a different measure. The truth is, I imposed that measure upon myself (maybe with the help of generations of maternal and grand-maternal help). I also admit, my husband does not have to do what I tell him to do, exactly when I tell him. Who am I, his boss? No. If I ask, he happily takes the trash out. He may not do it immediately but he gets it out there before trash pickup. He doesn’t clean the bathroom ever but he did build me a house with separate bathrooms so I can keep mine nice and sparkling. I also admit, there are chores that I don’t like to do and I just don’t do them. I never mow the lawn and we have 40 acres! I never water the garden or herbs on the deck. He does it all. I admit, I had a place for everything in the kitchen. I decided to stop caring about that. At least, he attempted to put things away. I wash the dishes 90% of the time to his 10% of the time but I have never cleaned our gigantic gas range. He always does it. I put together all of the closet systems in our new home and all of the kitchen cabinets and I am the A/V and tech support in the house. (I’m an IT person). He did all the electrical and plumbing. I admit that I feel like I do more but when I really look at it, I really don’t. The things that he’s strong at just don’t come up at the same time as the things that I’m strong at. I admit I would rather he not hang out with friends sometimes but I also admit I don’t like to hang out with anyone else, typically. I admit I want to have thought provoking conversations with him everyday but for me to just sit next to him makes him happy.
Going through my list, calms me down. It makes me want to hug my husband. There’s something about the realization that neither of us is perfect. There’s something about remembering that the things he does or doesn’t do bears no malice and how can I really be mad at him when he harbored no malice? It is unreasonable.
By the way, during a certain time of the month, I have reminders in my phone’s calendar to keep me aware of my irritability levels. They do go up, up, up at that time, and frankly, I shouldn’t get a free pass but I admit, he always gives me one.
Thank you! I’m so frustrated with my husband be he IS inconsiderate! But I read your post and it really helped me see things different. I’ve made a list and have realized that I do appreciate him and just like you pointed out the things we do for each other. Marriage is tough! But if we’re honest with ourselves and about our situation it will work out.
I fell down the concrete stairs outside my home three days ago. I twisted or broke my ankle, have pain in my ribs and shoulder, deep gashes and razor rash down my legs and a deep wound on my knee with bone exposed. My husband, who’s an RN, was blase about it and didn’t want to take me to the emergency room. He said there was really nothing that they could do. He said if I was worried, then I should schedule an appointment with my doctor in a few days when he’s off of work. I don’t drive, because I’m legally blind and so I couldn’t drive myself.
I just couldn’t believe his response to such a serious accident. I’m hurt to say the least about his lack of concern for my well-being. Tonight, I told him how I feel and he was angry at me and defensive, making excuses. He claims that I misunderstood what he said that night and that he would have taken me to the ER had I asked. Such BS! I misunderstood nothing.
He always undermines my illnesses. He’s the type who’s competitive when it comes to medical issues–no one can have something that he hasn’t had and had worse. When I was laying on the bed in pain, he kept going on about how these types of injuries have happened to him many times. To my knowledge, and I’ve been with him 36 years, he has never fallen down the stairs and gotten hurt like this.
Anyway, I’m so upset about it all tonight!
That is truly terrible and negligent behavior toward you. I would get someone else involved, seriously.
we had a love marriage.now i am 8months pregnant,but my husband doesnt cares for me.he always hurts me by his either by his words or by his actions.he doesnt gives any importance to me.he always tells me that he dont want to be with me and want me out of his life.i try my level best to make him happy but he is not……
i really feel very lonely…even when i cry it doesnt effects him..
he is always attracted to other girls,he even compares me with them…
i feel like crying my heart out but there’s no one to listen…
ppp that doesn’t sound like a man you want to be with, sorry to say. It sounds like he deceived you terribly. I’m so sorry.
Please seek help from a counselor to know what to do. He will clearly not be a good father and you need to think about getting yourself healthy to raise your child without letting that affect him or her as much. It will be incredibly hard for the long haul.
My husband (techno dude for a living) after 25 years is still a terrible procrastinator and forgetful even though he has all these reminders in his calendars to tell him what’s going on. We will have a huge blowout over miscommunications with our teens about vehicles and where everyone needs to pick up slack if one vehicle is in the garage. Four days later after family talks, counseling with our pastor, and apologizing and saying we’ll try to do better, we have another car in the shop and we have to do it again, and he drops the ball totally… and I’m stuck without a vehicle and have an appointment to get to…almost like the previous blowout did not even happen.
I simply do not get it. He’s very laid back and that bothers me sometimes because there are some things worth getting a bit antsy over, but apparently our former fights don’t affect him enough to follow through on plans to prevent it happening again.
I feel like Charlie Brown and he’s Lucy continually pulling the ball away. Not out of malice just out of distraction/lack of consideration/tunnel vision.
I am starting to have the same feeling that men are always given excuses to continue to be insensitive. So, for curiosity sake, I decided to google ”why is my wife mad all the time” to see what advice THEY get. lol Try it out 😉
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We have had many ups and downs in our marriage as most people that have been together this long have. Within the past 6 months, I have not been able to look at my husband with love and admiration because of his inconsiderate behavior. Most of his inconsiderate behaviors are small things that I usually can let go of and move on.
Most recently I canceled a cruise that we were going to take to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I canceled because my husband wanted to go to his 30th high school reunion. I could have worked on rescheduling the cruise but chose not to because I was hurt. His choice of wanting to see a few old classmates as opposed to taking our first cruise together makes me feel insignificant and has really hurt my feelings.
I wanted to take this cruise so badly because I wanted an experience to mark our 25 years together. I have thought about talking to him about my feelings but I don’t know that there’s anything he could say to make me feel better because his choice to give up this cruise speaks volumes to me. I have looked at this from his point of view and I understand that revisiting his past glory days are an important thing for him but understanding his point of view doesn’t diminish the pain I feel for being placed last.
My Bf and I split up over two years ago and I was searching for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future but all of a sudden he broke up from me until one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Dr.Mack i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did a Retrieve A Lover Spell for me And after some days of casting of his spell, my lover came back to me, I’d like to say that i got a positive result from dr_mack@yahoo. com, ever since i used his love spell, my boyfriend have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted.
I think today has marked a point for me, I am is such a place I am not quite sure how to get free from. I don’t go out, I don’t see people, I think I like being at home but I am not sure it isn’t depression that’s taken hold of me. So I have recognised this and decided to take a “self care mindfulness yoga class” a friend is having and to help me get normal again.
My husband with no regard to me made appointments on these dates, so now I have to deal with the stress that surrounds dinner, bath time, babysitting before my class and shouldn’t have to. Once again I feel like he is very thoughtless in doing this. This just seems to be the last time. Not sure where to go from here but I really feel like running, or packing his bags. I didn’t mention….that this class was the first thing I have done for myself in so many years I can’t even recall.
I am thinking most of you are happy moms, I love the little girl adopted now 3 years, but I didn’t want to do it, not just because I personally didn’t want to give up my life and care for her, but because my husbands brother was to have a child and the grandparents would not likely treat the adopted child equally. When I told my husband this then, he disregarded my feelings and our relationship then and proceeded to adopt, so basically he chose her instead of us. I have been stuck here three years, lost three years of my life taking care of her. I watch the grandparents visit with their blood grandchildren but not this poor little one. This I am sure could be why I am in the state I am in.
I just can’t anymore….18 years and I’m just done. No intimacy, no communication. Always a fight. I get no credit for all the things I’ve but all the blame stuff that I don’t do and have done wrong. He cares more about a son he has no relationship with then the two we have together. I want out but don’t know what to do where to start. I have 2 teens and don’t want to hurt them.
This is the worst advice I have ever seen anyone give. Are you kidding me? I would like to see you site your sources in your research. “Assume he doesn’t want to be”. Any adult knows whether he or she is being inconsiderate, don’t kid yourself or convince others to believe your thought process. You are literally giving the man in the relationship a hall pass to behave badly. What are your credentials? I would certainly like to see them and the sources you have used for your research.
I’m sorry this post has so many negative comments. I think it is a lovely article and thank you for sharing your insight.
I don’t think this article intends to condone disrespectful behaviour or suggest that women should tolerate bad treatment.
It’s simply a reminder to not take EVERYTHING personally. Don’t assume EVERYTHING is a sign of being unloved. Being unloved would be clear through an accumulation of evidence, not a few mistakes.
All the best 🙂
I’ve read and heard so many times that expectations can kill marriage. I think to a certain extent that’s true. Years of being married and observing those who really make it work, I’ve realized that CONSIDERATION is key. We’ve evolved with women succeeding and being an integral part of the work force…men/husbands appearing to cheer them on to supplement household incomes. Yet, most of us continue stuck in the same gender expectations, women caring for children, making dinner, something’s got to give. Honestly it starts with how parents are raising their sons to show them they’re just as responsible for household chores than anybody else. I think if your considerate of your spouse and consistent, not look…I washed the dishes …praise me, then it makes all the difference. When someone is constantly inconsiderate the resentment is bound to build up, so much so that you might just want to sock them in the face.
But what if he is very considerate to everyone else (very much so) but his wife (me). Can I still assume he loves me? Is he just lazy with me and therefore inconsiderate but still loves me?
I think it is true that he can still love me and be inconsiderate at times but I also think that it is a character flaw.
I have been married for 30 years and my husband now is more considerate than he used to be but I’ve made it known to him that by leaving things for others to do just isn’t nice, or by not communicating with me isn’t nice.
I think I get upset when I feel he is being inconsiderate so I think that is wrong on my part but it really hurts when he bends over backwards for others and truly then I feel unloved.
I feel like he is then being considerate for other people’s approval so therefore is not being considerate and therefore doesn’t love me because he doesn’t try to get my approval.
I hope I’m making sense!
I completely understand. Mines the same, bit of a catch 22. I feel he’s not being considerate, and then we end up having a barney about it, and then he does something nice to butter me up again and then next day – same thing happens as if he’s forgotten about the day before!! Bloody frustrating!! that frustration then turns into anger and resentment every time it happens… Will he ever learn or even realise that the way he is acting is making me hate him?
I’ve been sick for almost a week with a terrible sinus infection. I’ve had fever, chills, an unbearable sore throat, unable to speak, and coughing constantly. My husband has been so inconsiderate it makes my blood boil! We have a six month old son and last night, he left me at home alone with the baby knowing good and well that I’m sick and feel terrible. A friend made me some chicken soup and he ate it. He’s not sick! I told him if he didn’t start treating me better, that I was never going to get well because I can’t get any rest! To me, this kind of behavior is unacceptable! If he was sick and miserable, I would’ve never treated him like this. It really hurts my heart.
To aĺl you women out there with inconsiderate husbands, I hear you. I love my husband and he actually tries a lot harder. Some of the stories here leave me feeling gobsmacked. But as a way of advise: Many men were far too spoilt by their mum’s – yes, fellow women! If you want to make a difference teach your sons that this is not acceptable behaviour and let them have a share in the household chores and teach them to share and be considerate! Secondly, make sure you get to know him really well before you let him put a ring on it or heaven forbid, have children with him. You cannot change people, but there are things you can control to break the cycle. If men think all they have to do is earn money and have stylish hair and a hot body to pull chicks, this is all you get. My husband had to change a few things but I know he is a good guy and when I let him know how his behaviour makes me feel, he takes it seriously. But sometimes I want to strangle his mum for letting him get away with so much! lol..also, I do annoying stuff, too (we both leave socks lying around)
Why do we tolerate behavior in our husbands that we do not tolerate in our children? Why do we hold our children to a higher behavioral standard than our husbands? Seems unfair to the kids!
I found the book I Don’t Want a Divorce by Dr. David Clarke tremendously helpful. It’s how to make him understand things either will change or WE will change…
I understand how frustrating and hurtful it is when your spouse does something thoughtless, insensitive or inconsiderate. It can leave you feeling downright unloved. There a few reasons these repeat offenses from an otherwise loving spouse could be happening, and it’s not because they are just a self centered jerk. Sometimes it stems from a difference in priorities. You have a pet peeve, so you see something as important and your spouse does not. So because they don’t see it as important, they have a hard time understanding why you do. Or it can be a difference in the way things are done. You think of your way as best, but so do they. I personally have found that the timing of conversation about the offense is critical. If your spouse is tired or distracted, you will not get the proper attention from them. They may feel irritable and react badly, or that you yourself are being inconsiderate of them by trying to talk to them at a bad time, like during their favorite show. It could even be a passive aggressive response to something you did to hurt them. The way you approach them is important also. No one wants someone yelling at them or criticizing them. The most functional relationships have a ton of compromise. Pick your battles. Is that towel left on the floor as important as say, how the finances are handled?Everyone has strengths and weaknesses in their personality. Open, honest communication about our feelings, wants and needs, as well as understanding our partners is key here. I don’t think the point of the article is to give someone a free pass to act inappropriately all the time. I think it encourages us to broaden our perspective, to try and be gentle with our imperfect partners, to see it from their side and be forgiving. Unless they are a truly toxic person, they aren’t in the relationship to treat you badly.
I found this article by searching “What to do when wife is inconsiderate”.
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This is a great recipe for resentment and also teaching you children to accept disrespect in their relationships
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