Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk
Tip #40: Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk
Last week at an event, a woman told me, “I’m so frustrated at my husband. He’s a great guy, but I feel like he’s an avoider. The minute I bring up something hard, he refuses to talk about it. Like this morning. He wouldn’t agree to challenge the kids’ teacher about something she is doing, and I was telling him all the reasons I think we should, but then he wouldn’t even talk about it to explain his reasoning!”
Most of us women can empathize, right? When you are upset and need to process something, including something going on with your husband, your gut reaction is to pour out the streams of thoughts and all the pros and cons, and the many conversations that are playing in your head, and get feedback from your man as you go.
But in all my research, what I’ve learned about men is this: Don’t be surprised if you are met by glazed eyes instead. Or even a look that says, “I’m about to run for the hills. Or at least the TV room.”
It can be terribly frustrating when you want to talk things out and he seems to be avoiding it. It can feel like resistance to your view or, worse, like laziness. Or even a complete disinterest in your concerns.
But before you assume that, consider whether it might be something else entirely. Something that is very, very common to men.
If you are like most women, you think things through by talking them through. All the connections between the left and right hemispheres of your brain probably make that your default way of processing something. And you can talk and think about many thoughts and feelings at the same time.
But the brains of most men (perhaps including yours!) are wired very differently. In most cases, it is actively difficult for a guy to think something through by talking it through. And that includes thinking about what he is thinking. Yes, you read that right! In a difficult conversation, when he’s challenged to explain what he’s thinking, he may not know what he’s thinking yet. His brain needs to process it internally, first.
Even worse, if his wife presses him to talk before he’s had a chance to process it, or if there is a lot of emotion swirling, it becomes even more difficult for him to think things through. So he automatically feels a need to get even more distance.
In other words, in many cases, when he “escapes” to the TV room or goes for a drive, it isn’t to ignore or avoid the situation but to get space to process.
In emotional or challenging situations, it is easy to believe that your husband is an “avoider,” or just doesn’t care. But for many men, a delay in response comes because he does care. In order to give a good response – rather than a throwaway one — they want and need to process all aspects of the situation first. Including your feelings.
I shared this with the lady at the event that day, and said, “Do you think maybe he just needed to think about what to do first – and how to talk to you about it – before agreeing to a course of action?” She thought about it for a second, and then slowly nodded. “That could be it. I need to ask him.”
The best way to learn your man’s wiring is just to ask. But do it at some non-emotional time! For example some morning over coffee ask, “When we are in the middle of a conflict and you need time to process it, when do you usually feel able to talk about it? Does that mean a few hours later? The next day…?”
This also has the benefit of validating him. That he’s wired differently–and that’s ok.
Find out how your husband likes to communicate best, and you’ll be so much better prepared to work with his wiring rather than against it. And you’ll also find that a good resolution –and eventual conversation! — is much more likely.
Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!
Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
Photo Credit: A&A Photography Services via Compfight cc
This post first appeared as part of Marriage Mondays at Christian Post. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.