Conjugal Conundrum (Part 2) by Dr. Sue Townsend

As I’m on the road speaking to women’s groups, men’s groups and groups of married couples, I get a lot of questions about sex and intimacy that relate to my research but aren’t directly addressed. Since I’m not a counselor, I don’t necessarily know the answers to some of these specialized questions. So I went looking for answers from a group of recognized experts I highly respect. This article is one of a series.

What help can be offered to people like Sherry (from Part 1 of this article)? Below is an outline of specific steps couples can take to improve sexual function and intimacy.  (For condition-specific guidance, please download this PDF)

1. Conquer fatigue

• Make sleep a high priority
• Ruthlessly evaluate your schedule
• Redistribute roles in the home
• Eliminate tasks that can wait

2. Explore issues of attractiveness and body image both as they relate to the illness and more generally

• About self
• About each other

3. Continue to focus on your relationship

• Good communication/conflict resolution skills
• Restate what your partner has said to make sure you understand
• Learn to calm yourself down and don’t continue a conversation if upset—reschedule a time to revisit the topic after both are calm.
• Be quick to forgive
• Extend grace
• Focus [in your thoughts and with your voice] on what you find attractive in your mate
• Increase sensual, non-sexual touch and togetherness—hold hands, kiss, and back rubs/pats, etc.

4.  Explore expectations and what helps and does not help in the sexual relationship
5.  Don’t withdraw from the subject, keep engaged in the fight– make it a priority to focus on the issue.

• Take responsibility for your part in the problem
• Monitor and confront issues of the heart
  • Check  if there is a fear of intimacy
  • Track patterns of relationships— Are you:
    • Bargaining?
    • Withholding?
    • Punishing?
    • Controlling?

5. Increase sexual thoughts—read, think about sex, talk about sex.   Some have found it helpful to use visual cues such as putting a small red dot on their hands to remind them to think about their husbands and sex.  The following books are helpful:

• Celebration of Sex After Fifty by Douglas Rosenau, Jim Childerston, and Carolyn Childerston
• Celebration of Sex by Douglas Rosenau
• Secrets of Eve by Hart, Weber and Taylor
• Restoring the Pleasure by Cliff and Joyce Penner

6. Work at Laughing—a cheerful heart is good medicine—find things that help you laugh—a funny movie, something a child does, etc.  Let laughter break barriers.
7. For those who are spiritual–Pray!  Pray one minute per day together. Pray to God about their sex life.
8. For the person with low desire:

• Make a decision to be sexual.  This is an intentional process in which you make an active decision to do things differently.
• Make a decision to actively take control of your sexual relationship by planning times to be sexual with your spouse
• Intentionally initiate the sexual encounters that you planned

[Source– lecture by Dr. Michael Sytsma, Institute of Sexual Wholeness, Richmont University, Atlanta, GA]

Dr. Susan Townsend has been licensed since 1991 and has been in private practice in Knoxville since 1996.  With a Doctorate in Counseling from The College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia and a Certificate in Sex Therapy from the Institute for Sexual Wholeness at Richmont Graduate University in Atlanta, Georgia, she is licensed by the State of Tennessee as a Professional Counselor and as a Mental Health Provider and certified by the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists.

This content is for informational purposes only and is not designed to offer medical or psychological advice or counsel.  Since individual needs vary, please contact your qualified medical provider prior to implementing any aspect of this article.