The Thank You Connection
One of the things I love about October isn’t just the beautiful fall leaves, the crisp air or clutching a warm cup of hot cider at an outdoor fall festival – I love that all the people in our neighborhood are out working on their yards, chatting with each other, being part of a community. In our family, Jeff does most of that type of yard work, and in the last few weeks he has been outside planting, pruning and trimming; making a real investment in our property.
Watching Jeff clipping hedges the other day, I was struck by two things. First, it struck me that I need to be so, so careful to not just internally appreciate what Jeff is doing but to actively say, “thank you.” Over the past few years in my research, I have come to realize that what “I love you” says to a woman, “thank you “says to a man. We hear “I love you” and it communicates ten different things to us about his affection for us, our being worthy of his love and our being special. But while men told me that hearing “I love you” is certainly nice, it doesn’t really say ten different meaningful things to them.
Instead, what powerfully touches a man’s heart is “thank you.” “Thank you for clipping the hedges even though you weren’t feeling well today” and “thank you for being willing to pick up the kids when I got stuck in a meeting” and “thank you for working so hard to support the family.” It’s stuff that we think often and say rarely. And since a man’s primary need is appreciation and respect, we need to get in the habit of saying it!
The other thing that struck me is that Jeff and all the others working in their yards are not doing it in order to have a pretty yard this winter but so that their yards will be beautiful in the spring. It occurred to me that we need to view our relationship as this kind of investment as well. So often women approach me at my events and tell me that they’ve tried to be appreciative, tried to show respect…. but they just didn’t see any results. But when I sympathetically ask, “how long have you been trying?” sometimes I hear something like, “ a whole week!” And on the other side of the gender aisle, I often hear similar things from men who are newly committed to doing things to show their love, but are frustrated that they haven’t yet seen it have an impact.
Although we often do see immediate results from changing how we approach each other, very often when we start being purposeful about giving the other person what they need, we are making a long term investment in the relationship. An investment which may not always deliver results right away – but which will flower in time.
I was given your book , For Women Only ” a few years ago, I was trying to save my marraige of 30 years . God always put someone in my path , with the right book or advice, even found the Power of the praying wife, by Stormie O Martian , in a heap of books thrown on the ground!!! Sadly my husband decided to move out , but I know that I tried and I wish I had known what I know now thirty years ago !! I will atleast share with other women and I always recommend your book , amongst others I have read ! Appreciate and love your writings and videos!!
Sincerely ,
Maira Miceli
Aha! I now realize why my husband says “Thank you” every time I cook him a meal. He is trying to give me what he wants…..Thanks Shaunti from now on….I will say “thanks” a lot more often to my beloved.
What I appreciate about my spouse is the how he always speaks well of me to others even at the toughest point of our marriage when all I was doing was complaining about him to others. I appreciate his forgiving spirit and being able to get over things quickly and love me as if I am his new bride. I appreciate how even though we are for now in two different parts of the world he is intentional about being expressive in whatever forms of communication, even via Facebook, of how much he loves me, because he knows that affectionate words are my love language. These are but a few of the many things that stand out to me. I am one blessed woman. Thank you for this post, Shaunti. I will be making it my daily duty to thank my husband, rather than just express it when I pray.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hudson
I am thankful that my spouse is loving of Christ who created all these wonders and joys to be Thankful for! Do something Kind for each other every day!
Thanks for the reminder! My husband has never been in good health, his whole life, and many everyday things are exhausting for him. A little appreciation goes a long way to help him keep on trucking. 🙂
I appreciate my husband for working so hard everyday so I can stay home with our daughter.
Shaunti hit it out of the park again! As I read your article it rang true how valuable my Carole’s (my wife’s) words of gratitude mean to me. We exchange our “I love yous” regularly but the gratitude words have a different flavor to them – it touches the personal “investment place”, different part then the “love place.” Both needful and appreciated! Thanks Scott
Thank you so much for your work. I intend to keep on reading and learning. We have been married for 37 years this September and these years give honor to God in our lives because only His Grace and yes lots of work have kept us. By His grace we have had people around us that have taught us and we have learned how to give and take each and everyday. The fact is that we are still learning. I can safely say that it will never stop.
So for me your articles like this one awakens me. Am I saying these things that are important to Him? Am I respecting and honoring my husband concentrating on the good and praying for what I don’t think is so good?
So yes it is a necessary reminder when the HOly Ghost through your articles nudges my heart and reminds me to Say thank you often .
My dream in these last remaining years of our lives is to enjoy this time we have together . To fully enjoy our friendship and whatever further adventures the Lord puts in our path. So again thank you for sharing your life and love through the written word
Thank you for this post and good reminder. I am married to an “odd” man which is awesome for me. He thinks more like a woman in the ways that women wish men did, but also is plenty manly! I got lucky, but the bad part is, he gets disgusted with other men as much as women do!
I have given out many of your books — especially the ones for young men and women. Have given them out to two young guys working for us with their Dads and several nieces and nephews as well. Very enlightening!
I teach an (all girls) Christian Families class at a small Christian university in the South. Though “For Women Only” is not really a textbook per se, I require it of my students & we use it throughout the semester as a springboard for discussions. I’ve asked my husband to read it & come as a guest lecturer to the class each semester to give a response to the book from a man’s point of view. He hits some of the top spots and underscores things that are in the book that he finds especially accurate. Every time, he mentions the importance of respect — giving personal stories of what that looks like to him. Certainly gratitude is a tremendous part of respect … not just a generic “thanks”, but specifically noted appropriate comments. Having him speak also helps me see the importance of my role to better communicate my love for him. I’m still learning after nearly 37 years of marriage!
And yes, we both have read the “For Men Only” book and discussed the importance of understanding each other’s perspective on those topics. Thank you for continuing to provide valuable material to encourage healthy, Godly marriages.
Dear Shaunti, on my way to work today I specifically asked God to show me how to show more respect to my husband, didn’t expect such a quick answer. 🙂 Thank you for your post. Maybe it’s time I read your book “For women only”. May God continue to bless you.
This is a good reminder. I need to say thank you so much more than I do. I say ‘I love you” but I don’t say thanks too often. BTW, I wanted to tell you Shanti that I did a 30 day marriage challenge through a closed group on faceboo . I asked my friends to have sex for 30 days with their husbands. I posted inspiring material, ideas and more all month. I can not tell you how much that challenge has changed my marriage. My friends said the challenge changed their marriages too! My husband is so much happier and every area of our marriage and parenting has improved. Thank you for your chapter on sex. I have been telling all of my Christian and non-Christian friends about your sex chapter and the results of putting it into practice. Thank you Shanti!
I strongly believe that these two little words make the world of difference not just to your spouse but also family members, friends and everyone that you come across in your daily endeavours. I also recommend the words ‘I am proud of you’.
I appreciate that my hubby took my car this morning because it had a nail in the tire and gave me his, even taking mine to be repaired on his lunch break!
I sooo needed this today!!! I spent last night praying that God would change me and that I could think before I say things. Not that my husband doesn’t have things to change too, but it starts with me. Your book fixed a very broken piece of our marriage two years ago; both my husband and I read your books. I’ll admit, I stink at giving the respect as I never had good role models and was always told a woman doesn’t need a man! When I prayed for help in making my tongue less sharp and to give my husband the respect he so deserves (even when you don’t feel like he does at that moment) things started to change within me and our marriage. It took time, but little by little things got better. It’s a job to change yourself and it’s easy to slip back into old ways, but I try and I vow to keep trying because I’ve seen the results! Thank you for this needed reminder today and for the book that is a marriage changer!
This is so, so true! Our guys need to hear they are appreciated for the effort they make, both for us and for the family. My husband lost his job a year ago and has done everything from yard work to selling insurance to make ends meet. Now he is taking a job that will require him to travel during the week. It’s not ideal, but he will do whatever it takes to support his family, and I am so proud of him and appreciative of him. He needs to hear that…not just today, but weeks from now when being away from home gets old. 😉
My husband is an encourager! He has faith in me when I don’t! He will do just about anything for his girls and appreciates their differences and gifts. He is the spiritual leader of our home and to our children. I am so thankful for him!
Just received the “ForYoung Women Only” for our girls to read… My 19 yr old grabbed it as soon as I pulled it out of the box and ran off to read it! Thank you for writing all of the books to help families!
My husband has been unemployed for a while now. During this time he has taken over the household duties since I work full time. It has been such a blessing to me not to have to worry about cleaning the house, making the meals, picking up grandkids, he does it all! He even makes my lunch for work and walks me out to the car to kiss me goodbye! He is a real blessing to me!!!
Beth S.
I agree 100%. Who doesn’t like to be thanked and appreciated? My husband, Mark, and I have been married for 30 years. I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome he is. But do I always tell him that? Well, no. He is such an outgoing, happy (non-moody), loving guy who treats me like a queen. One of his main goals for every day is to meet my needs. He always asks “what can I do for you today?” So thank you for the reminder to verbalize my thanks to him!
I never thought about the “caring for the yard” analogy but it makes perfect sense! I’m definitely going to keep that in mind from now own …