Strangers Among Us

Overall: after being married for 10+ years we are total strangers to each other and thinking about packing it in. Any advice?  By Jackie Coleman

Instant news updates, instant popcorn, instant messaging…instant gratification. Our businesses revolve around efficiency and speedy results. Our grocery stores are filled with foods of convenience. Our technology allows us to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime. But while pudding can congeal in record-breaking time and pictures can be viewed two nanoseconds after snapping, relationships are a whole different story.

Instantaneous culture cannot be mimicked in relationships. There’s simply no way to rush depth. But, while depth is what we all aim for, it is also where the challenge presents itself. Why? Because truly knowing someone requires years of observing not only their strengths, but also their weaknesses. When you dated, you most likely focused on the other person’s strengths, and, ironically, you may have felt closer then than now.

Dr. Michael Sytsma, president of Building Intimate Marriages, Inc., states, “At the beginning of a relationship, the focus is on each other. But after afew years of marriage, the outside demands start taking over.” For the husband, it is unnatural to both pursue and provide. Resentment and hurt can build from this “disconnect.” Dr. Sytsma also warns that “we go wrong because we demand spouses to be who we want them to be, and not allow them to be who God has created them to be.”

But do not be dismayed. And do not give up!

After 10-plus years of marriage, even if you’re feeling distant, the richness and depth of your relationship is invaluable. Together, you have written your story and melded your histories. Although you may sense you have drifted, in reality you still know each other better than anyone else on the planet. And it is possible to regain that feeling of connection.

Dr. Sytsma suggests thinking back to your dating days. Which activities did you enjoy doing together? What topics did you love talking about? Were there places you explored together? When you dated each other, you put your best foot forward. Much effort was exerted to make a good impression and to get your date to like you. But after all these years, your focus has shifted. It is less about impressing your partner and more about making it through the day-to-day routine. Keep in mind, however, that jobs will come and go, neighbors will move away, kids will leave for college…but the one constant is your life partner. Now more than ever, it’s time to reconnect by putting in a little extra effort.

Instant may be convenient. But investing time and energy pays big dividends.

Jackie Coleman earned her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling with a concentration in Christian sex therapy at Psychological Studies Institute and the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta, GA.