How Do I Respect Him When He Doesn’t Love Me?
How do I respect him when he doesn’t love me?
By Jackie Coleman
Monterey, California, Tuesday evening, 6:30 p.m.
· Tires screech into the driveway, and the garage door slams shut. He throws his briefcase into the corner of the kitchen, lets out an abbreviated grunt when you ask him how his day was, then mutters, “What’s for dinner?”
Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday morning, 11:00 a.m.
· The endless drone of television commentators, toothpaste commercials, and AFLAC ducks have almost done you in. Work had been particularly stressful this week and you were looking forward to finally having some time together. But after three hours of watching him watch his favorite team play, you give up and retreat to doing your own thing.
Toronto, Ontario, Friday night, 8:34 p.m.
· He surprises you for your birthday and takes you out to your favorite restaurant. The night is off to a great start…that is, until you take second place to his phone. Not even ten minutes have gone by before he is negotiating an “important” deal, no longer acknowledging your existence.
Whether these scenarios match your current situation or your experience is totally unique, feeling disregarded, disconnected, and unloved is extremely painful. And in your pain, you often respond by disrespecting the person who disrespects you. After all, it seems unnatural to show respect and admiration towards the very person causing your hurt. But although your gut reaction is to snap back and display your dissatisfaction, the proper response, however difficult it may seem, cannot be disrespect—regardless of what you get (or don’t get) in return. This is not easy, but it is a choice.
In the long run, choosing disrespect only perpetuates the vicious cycle of negative feelings. Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs, PhD in Psychology and founder of the Love and Respect Conferences, explains in an online video (http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle_videoStream.php), “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect he acts without love. Without love she reacts without respect…and this baby starts to spin.” Dr. Eggerichs has dubbed this notion the ‘Crazy Cycle.’ With each act, the cycle is reinforced and continues to spiral out of control. Dr. DeAnne Terrell, a psychologist and faculty member of Psychological Studies Institute, states, “To break the cycle, you must step out and do what is right, regardless of what he is or isn’t doing.” Just to clarify, disrespect does not necessarily mean extreme name-calling, flailing arms, or eye rolling. It can be as simple as the tone in your voice or the body language you display. And in the moment, a hostile glare or harsh tone may feel satisfying; and truthfully, your reaction may be justified. But the focus of marriage is not so much on justice as it is on choosing to love and respect the other person, despite their imperfections.
To do this, it is first important to distinguish fact from fiction. This may mean taking a step back and deciphering the reality from the feelings. Is it possible that your partner does love you, but isn’t displaying it in the way that speaks love to you? In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman writes, “Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our [own] primary love language and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language.”
Learn what speaks love to you, whether it is spending more time together, getting sporadic notes, holding hands, verbal affirmation, etc. Most likely, your spouse doesn’t know your exact needs or desires, and assumes that whatever speaks love to him/her will also speak love to you (i.e. going to, work, taking out the trash, preparing dinner, watching the kids, fixing the leaky faucet, etc.). Using open (and gentle!) communication, share your needs with one another. Loving responses are much more likely to occur if you are willing to display love and respect to the other person. Take the first step and begin to break the ‘Crazy Cycle!’
Jackie Coleman earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling with a concentration in Christian sex therapy at Psychological Studies Institute and the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta, GA.
Ok…so what happens when the woman wants to have sex but the man doesn’t? I’ve read love & respect, and only for woman…i get it. I try it and i feel failed. In fact i sort of feel like the man. I support him in his work tell him what a good husband, father, coach he is but when i try to get intimate with him he asks hastily “what are you doing!” I feel rejected! I feel like i give and get nothing in return. I definitely feel like his priorities and mine are no where close to the same page. I feel like i need to praise him for everything he does like a child. After being with kids all day i don’t want to have encourage his every move. I need to be wanted too!
Anonymous,
I realize your comment is two years old but I wanted to reach out to you anyway. We have a new three-part series for “When She Has the Higher Sex Drive” that I think would really help you. Part one is here: http://shaunti.com/2015/11/when-she-has-the-stronger-sex-drive-part-one/
Best,
Caroline
Digital Content Manager for Shaunti
Speaking gently and in love, as I too have lived this and for some time (many years.)
Do not praise him as your child, but as a child of the Most High God. Pray for him, again and again. Rid yourself of expectations, clinging to the Promise Giver rather than having eyes drawn to promises, whether fulfilled or not!
As I cried out to God one day, lamenting that I did desire to be filled by God in all, but I couldn’t see how some filling could happen, save through human means. My eyes and mind were drawn to the computer. “Do you see it?” Yes. “If you want information, on say…Tokyo, do you expect to receive it?” Yes. “Do you know how all of that works?” I, uh, well, no. Not really. “If man can come up with a device like that, how much more able am I to supply every need, even if you don’t understand how it is possible in any way?”
I placed my hand over my mouth.
The Lord wooed me, drew me, stripped away lies and filled me with godly desire that did not negate His gifts in any way but rather keep me joyful in affliction, creating more patience in me, pouring more love into me that it is there for others.
During these years, He has graciously showed me how prideful, arrogant, and haughty I had become. Pain-releasing tears flowed.
Seeing things aright does not necessarily play out in responding in pure and godly ways. With the God-given discernment He blesses us with filtering through my flesh and it’s expectations and “I wants,” I became steeped in sin in word, thought and deed, and that, without real awareness of it all. God is so good!
SO hear I am, with heart set anew on pilgrimage and what do I see!?! God answering prayers, not all at once, not nearly in any way at times the way I would expect or write it all, but I see He is FAITHFUL!!! DO not lose heart!!! DO not believe the Enemy’s lies that you are being cheated by God in some way, a lie of the “Garden Variety” type. ;D
“Take a knee Cadet!” (movie reference!) and humble yourself in God’s sight. He will lift you up in due time and it will be, and is, GLORIOUS!!!
I have read this post three times , and still can not understand how you think this is good advice . Please explain why you feel these men are deserving of respect . It is not unconditional. Period .
Dear Shel,
7 months ago I lost my husband of 40 years. Please let me explain why this works. We as women want unconditional love. Love is what we need. Men really are different. They need respect. Unconditional respect. Why should we want unconditional love and refused to give unconditional respect?
Unconditional respect can transform both your man and your marriage. Isn’t always easy? No! I tried and failed so many times but shortly before my husband died, he told my son that I was the most perfect person he’s ever known. I know I’m not perfect but knowing my husband felt that way about me is precious to me. I have no regrets that I chose to overlook his faults, because my faults are many too. Broken people do broken things, broken people love in broken ways. Respect is healing to a man and as he heals he will give the love, the unconditional love, that you hope and dream of .
Joy!
Mary
What of when there is no communication at all,he take care of all expenses what soever ,even when having intimacy ,he refuse to say a word ,how can I respect such husband ,I have try all I could ,am tied
Thank you. It is extremely hard for me when he says he’s forcing himself to stay married to me. Sure buddy, its his own flesh w a history or porn, prescription drug addiction and video gaming addiction as well. I’ve been helping him for 4 yrs of my marriage w him and still very hard for me. He gets upset and emotionally abusive by sleeping in another bedroom or rejecting me by saying cruel words, but here I am trusting in the Most High God. He is my true love and the one that fills me everyday. My husband belongs to God and only He will be able to change and heal this man. I do get much comfort and amazing love from my God. We are to see our husbands as God’s sons and see them theough God’s eyes. Extremely difficult when you’re being mistreated but He will take care of us and will fill us bcz of our obedience. God bless