How Can I Get My Wife to Understand How Important Sex is to Me?
How can I get my wife to understand how important sex is to me?
by Jackie Coleman
Let’s look at the options:
1. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative.
2. Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away.
3. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful.
Fortunately, there’s a better option, and that’s to talk to her!
But before you do, take some time to understand exactly what sex means to you. Dr. Michael Sytsma, co-founder of the Institute for Sexual Wholeness, sums up the science behind sex; with orgasm, oxytocin and prolactin levels increase in males, helping them to feel connected and relaxed. Furthermore, at the basic emotional level, guys need to feel wanted, loved, and desired. All of which is to say, sex is central to a man’s confidence and well-being. The only problem: she probably doesn’t understand this. Thanks in part to Hollywood and mainstream sitcoms, in your wife’s mind, you may seem, as Shaunti describes, like “one giant sex gland with no emotions attached.” Nothing could be farther from the truth.
This is where the breakdown in communication typically begins. Most men do not fully understand what sex means to them, and therefore cannot communicate their desires. And many women believe “he just wants more sex,” and miss the fact that for men, sex is more about feeling desired than about the physical act. To get beyond this, Dr. Sytsma suggests taking your wife to a neutral place where sex isn’t an option (sit in a coffee shop, go on a long walk, etc.), and talk to her about what intimacy means to you. Plan out in advance what you hope to say, and go with the attitude that you’ll work through the issues together.
When you go out let her know that you would like to talk about what sex means to you and the benefits that a fulfilling sex life would bring the both of you. For some ideas on what to say, read the list below to discover what many men have shared about sex. Let this list be a springboard for your own thoughts:
When it comes to sex, it is important to me that you are engaged and satisfied. Seventy-five percent of the men in Shaunti’s survey said “No, I will not be sexually satisfied if my wife offers all the sex I want but does it reluctantly or simply to accommodate my sexual needs.” That’s how important it is to me that you are content with our sex life.
Having a regular, mutually enjoyable sex life makes me feel loved and desired, just like talking and being held makes you feel loved.
I may make advances at times that seem to be the furthest from a ‘sexual’ time, but that’s because making love is a comfort to me, just like being in my arms is a comfort to you.
I feel more alive and confident in general when our sex life is working for both of us.
The confidence you feel when you look great in a certain outfit, is the same confidence you give me when our sex life is working.
When sex is repeatedly NOT a priority to you, I want to withdraw. This makes me feel just like you would feel if I stopped talking to you.
When you say “no” to sex, I do take it personally and it hurts me – it’s not just about having more sex.
When you desire sex, and especially when you initiate sex with me, it gives me a surge of confidence and power even the next day in my work.
Understand that men and women were created with physiological differences. Men typically have an assertive drive, which means they pursue sex. Women, on the other hand, have a receptive drive, so they enjoy and receive sex, but rarely initiate. Talk through the differences and brainstorm about potential solutions. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)
One possibility may be to help her feel close not only in the bedroom, but also elsewhere. Pursue her in non-sexual ways (notes, date nights, midday calls, etc.), give her warm-up time before sex, flirt with her throughout the day, and create a context of closeness and emotional security. Understand that some women with young children find that they are physically exhausted by the end of a day. Help her to plan ahead for a nap on a certain day of the week so she can feel more rested or wait until the weekend when she can get caught up on her sleep.
For her to understand you better, explain that if you don’t feel desired, it affects all areas of your life. A survey done for the book For Women Only, supports this idea: more than three out of four men claim that sex gives them confidence, a greater sense of well-being, and satisfaction in life. By understanding the male’s emotional need, she’ll see her own potential to help her husband gain the confidence he needs to face the world.
So, your efforts in putting together a romantic candlelight feast may result in the desired after-dinner activity for one night. But a meaningful discussion could benefit you both—and could lead to many nights of satisfying romance.
Jackie Coleman earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling with a concentration in Christian sex therapy at Psychological Studies Institute and the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta, GA.
…and if over the course of several decades, this discussion (whilst calm and holding on to oneself) has absolutely NO effect, NO improvement, NO change?
Forgive me, but I’ve tried the talking thing. My wife and I have been together for 11 years. We have a 3 year old girl and I personally do most of the chores, cooking dinner, cleaning etc. So as far as I am concerned I am not to interested in the being tired part. It simply is an issue if it’s not a top priority on the “list”.
Amen!
I’ve been married for going on 16 years. I love the sexual connection, I love the fact that sex is our moment to bond. Feeling my husband inside is the greatest feeling for me… just the thought of the union makes me excited… women should make every effort to give sex because this gives their husband confidence….
Speaking truth!
Where there is a will there is a way.
stop asking, of you are still married, because a woman wants to be desired just as much as a man. She may wonder why and fear you do not want her anymore.
Extremely important, you must show her affection hug her hold her hand caress her from time to time etc but just don’t initiate sex. If you cut off everything you are in great danger of her finding something somewhere else. Much like I suspect you are doing if you’re still married.
I read a report once were most men who cheat in a relationship do not wish to leave the relationship they just have that sexual need that’s not being met. Women cheat in a relationship to leave a relationship.
Not if she was abused as a child and never wants to be touched, then what?
Good question! Been married 27 years and now she claims she doesn’t like sex?
You may want to consider seeing a professional counselor. There may be other issues involved in which they may be able to help.
You can find good Christian counselors in your area at one of these websites:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/counseling/find-a-counselor.aspx
http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/
http://www.newlife.com/counselors
My wife has no sex drive and HATES any discussion of sex. If we do have sex, she plays like she is dead and just lays there. It is all about control and she says sex is completely unimportant. Maybe once the kids are grown she will have the time and attention to think about sex. Now it’s a waste of time and she knows she holds all the cards.
Wow! are you living my life! The same here me and my wife have been married for 25yrs,our sex life used to be great,but unfortunately I suffered a brain injury a couple of years ago, and since then our sex life has been crap,I’m almost completely back to normal but she still refuses to talk about sex or doing it ! to her it’s chore and itells me let’s get it over with! I mentioned counseling to she wants nothing to do with it! I don’t know what to do anymore.
Dude i feel you. She needs serious church discipline. I would tell your pastor. A woman withholding sex from her man is just as bad as a man looking at porn. It’s a form of abandonment. She’s opening you up to temptation and neglecting you. I don’t understand what the deal is with women. Why they take such a beautiful thing and turn it into something to be hated and neglected.
My wife has no sex drive and HATES any discussion of sex. If we do have sex, she plays like she is dead and just lays there. It is all about control and she says sex is completely unimportant. I cook and clean but rarely to her satisfaction. I wrote notes in her work lunchbox and listen about her day. We have good talks but whenever sex comes up, she gets angry and shuts down. She will promise we can have it on another day but then gets angry when I bring it up on the promised day. It always gets put off an now is every couple months. She puts ZERO into it if we have it. She says it is frivolous and maybe once the kids are grown she will have the time and attention to think about sex. Now it’s a waste of time and she knows she holds all the cards.
Dude i would have a serious talk with her. She needs to acknowledge your needs or else. This is how it needs to be. The woman needs to have sex with her husband otherwise there’s no point to marriage. What incentive do we have to be married if our own wives reject us? Seriously. She needs some discipline. She might have deep rooted issues about sex she doesn’t want to talk about. Ask her if you even turn her on. She can’t make excuses. She needs to change and she needs to be blamed for your problems because that’s the truth. Hold her accountable. You might need to have some heated conversations. Sometimes women only respond to serious and heated discussions, and they need to be disciplined like children. If you handle them with kid gloves all the time they never change. This is the natural result of them taking advantage of our kindness. They’ll make sure you meet their needs, but they’ll never meet yours.
Not a ‘Christian’ counselor. They definitely do not understand women.
For me, aside from the hormonal changes of menopause, the thing that most squashes my sexual desire is a sense that my husband doesn’t understand my need for intellectual intimacy. Hugs and cuddles and being romantic do not make up for his unwillingness to truly hear me out and understand where I’m coming from on certain theological and philosophical matters. My views, if they differ from his, are often placed in the “womanly thinking” or “uneducated thinking” box and dismissed. (There are certain things we just can’t discuss any more because he’s afraid to entertain my views.) For me, romance is of little value when I feel vulnerable in this area.
That said, I have learned that it’s better to play along with the romance game. If he pursues me, I receive his advances, and I even initiate at times as an added encouragement to him, in spite of the fact that I’m rarely actually in the mood. I don’t find that sex actually builds a sense of intimacy for me, but it obviously does for him which makes our overall relationship better.
Bottom line my point is that for me, surface-level displays of closeness are of diminished value if deeper openness and trust are missing. Guys need to be willing to know the deepest things about their wives and handle that knowledge without belittling or contempt. Contempt is an intimacy killer. Respect is a two-way street.
Did you ask him if he is “afraid” to entertain your views, or did you assume that?
you just proved the articles point. sex and it’s value ARE different for men and for women. we are trying to understand the reciprocal benefits each partner gains/ loses from each sides perspective. I won’t take too much detail as my life is none your business in reality, but, because of the way she has handled our physical bonding which is an incredible gift to humans btw; she and I miss out on something very special. Women are so deep and complicated. Well, why don’t you un-complicate that I have developed enough trauma because of our love life that I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because of her. If it weren’t that I’m so hopelessly in love with her that sex would have never mattered to me and I’d have moved on. Did you ever think that your personal view would have such a profound effect on your someone special. Did it ever occur that we men are people too and that we matter just as much. Try my size 9.5 on and see if your feelingS don’t get hurt and if they don’t then just maybe your like my wife. She doesn’t “seem” to feel a d@mn thing when she puts my shoes on either. now here’s the psycho-f&%$ of it all. Great relationship. it’s amazing really but she won’t share the most amazing moments two could share. question is do you leave because you have a special place in your heart you desperately want HER to fill. Or, do stay and suffer in silence because you love her like the sun misses the flower. neither side is more important than the other. I see too often men say but, I have and I fill in the blank because romance really is a deep seeded thing for us. it’s how we are wired and ladies always have ya, well this attitude. nowhere do I see couples discuss a middle ground. this topic always seems to be hot/ cold and always one sided. you ain’t the only ones on earth that can be hurt. (mic drop) p.s I pretty muchly don’t think women are all they are cracked up to be and they seem to require so much effort or their wagon won’t push. hog wash. given 16 year marriage plus a healthy amount of dating in my youth…I..I have say I don’t trust women even if they were in a room with 50 cops. I’d ask you to be less complicated but that would be like putting all of my faith in believing that lead kites can fly. it’ll never happen!
You vocalize everything that is deplorable about frigid wives. I’ll wager your marriage doesn’t survive. When you suggest you’ll ‘play among with the game’, you acknowledge that you don’t feel his needs are important. If he’s not already having an affair, it’s coming—I assure you.
Sex is the most intimate act a couple can do. If it doesn’t build Intimacy for you then I feel sorry for you. Seriously.
Sometimes the problem is not that the man doesn’t want to listen and hear about your day and what you need at any given moment. Sometimes it’s that the effort required from the man is out of proportion to what the woman is willing to give in return for the attention. Why is it that women believe that the man should be willing to give 90% toward attentiveness and intimacy only for the wife to be willing to meet his needs once every now and then? That kind of lop-sided relationship is no relationship. Speaking as one who has been married for 35 years now to a wife who has never been very interested in bed. I have spent the majority of my life being a good husband, good provider, good father, and now good grandfather trying to be supportive to my wife and meet her needs. But in return I was granted sex maybe once a month in the past and now non-existent. It gets to the point where I have no desire to try any more, and the temptation is definitely there to look elsewhere.
So good. Spot on with the suggestions for what to say. Thank you.
What am I to do when I give it a try to be more sexual with him and literally a month later we get pregnant and now, thanks to being pregnant, I’m just uncomfortable and gross all the time and sex has been a mostly no-fly zone for me? I feel bad because he doesn’t see the change because it didn’t last very long… It’s not my fault that being pregnant is making me so sick and uncomfortable. I’ve tried explaining it to him and he seems to think that I’m just using my pregnancy as an excuse now.
He doesn’t think it’s an excuse, he understands you have kids. He also understands that he is still human and even though you had kids, and you feel gross, that has nothing to do with his feelings and needs.
That’s the point ladies. It’s not all about you. You gals constantly make it about everything so you dont have to face the facts. Your man needs sex just like you need an emotional connection.
Did he stop connecting with you emotionally when you had kids and told you that he can’t anymore because now there’s kids? No. And no guy would ever say that. But women have the ego to say the exact same thing and think that somehow we should accept something they never would. Ladies, if you change up the sex because of kids, then we get to change up the relationship because you stopped being you.
And if that’s not the case and you get to switch it up, then so do guys. We used to go on date night but now I have no time or money for dates. Either that’s acceptable or it’s not acceptable to change up but it must be both for women and men.
That’s called equality
So she has sex when she feels rough? Gee I’m glad I’m not married to you. And if you aren’t getting any, it’s not difficult to see why. What a deplorable attitude.
Don’t listen to Angela. I feel you. She’s just another woman proving your point. Sex is fun and relaxing but women turn it into this aweful mess of things. They could really screw up anything can’t they?
Sean, do you expect your wife to have sex with you when she feels ill?
I wish my husband still pursued me and had interest in sex. He did so much when we were younger that it was a bit overwhelming at times. I did not say no, but I was not always as enthusiastic as I should have been. Now that our children are grown, I have a lot more interest, but he doesn’t. Plus, when we do (which is about 2 or 3 X a year tops) he has a lot of difficulty and hasn’t taken any initiative to do anything about it. I even got him to agree to a physical check up, but he never mentioned his difficulties to the doctor. He told me the doctor had a lot of appointments and there wasn’t sufficient time to bring it up.
I try not to be resentful about the fact that when he was interested, I was there for him. (not always enthusiastic but I tried) now that things are reversed, it is a different story. Talking about it makes him defensive and he’s quite sensitive about the subject, so we just never talk about it, although I think about it all the time. I love him a lot, but it sometimes makes me feel rather insecure that he doesn’t seem to care about this aspect of our relationship.
I would give anything to turn back the clock and relive those days when we were young. I would definitely savor those times when he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We’re in our early 50’s now and I wish someone had told me that once you hit 50, sex would be a thing of the past. So ladies, ask yourself what it would be like if he had no interest? What it would be like if you were basically roommates and nothing more. I wish I had known then what I know now. We are still the best of friends, but intimacy seldom if ever occurs.
Anyway I share this to encourage the ladies to appreciate being desired and realize that it may not always be that way, and when it is no longer a part of your life, YOU WILL MISS it. Someday he may stop pursuing you, and that is far more bothersome and painful than being wanted all the time.
Tina,
Thanks for sharing your story. Now that your situation is reversed, I would encourage you to read the three-part blog series we’ve recently added on “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.” You may find it helpful in your marriage. http://shaunti.com/2015/11/when-she-has-the-stronger-sex-drive-part-one/
Blessings,
Caroline
Digital Content Manager for Shaunti
Hope some people listen to your advise .but unfortunately most people wiil not until they feel for themselves when it happens that their spouse stop giving them attention.
And this is the part that is ironic. When a husband tries to pursue his wife alot and is always getting shut down. The wife usually doesn’t care, neither does anyone else. However when the husband gets to the point and age in his life where he stops pursuing..the wife then has a problem with it. That is simply karma as far as I am concerned.
Don’t forget that he will get to the point he will have an affair just to feel like a man again. She has no reason to be angry as she pushed him toward this behavior.
First question is it ok to be in a sexless marriage?
Most women will even tell you that it isn’t ok.
Second question. Ok then when you stop having sex with your husband how long until he kicks you to the curb for no sex?
Women can never answer that one. Because the truth is they want their man to wait forever. Which is exactly the same as saying that it’s ok for you, my husband to be in a sexless marriage, it’s just not ok for anyone else.
Start calling BS guys. You will thank yourself later.
This. If men suffer, no one cares. But if say the woman gets obese or something and the guy loses interest, then it’s the man’s fault and he’s abusing her and neglecting her, and he becomes subject to much scrutiny and discipline. Double standards.
aren’t humans about the most precious and rarest thing the universe ever created; so awful what we do and say to each other. you’d think on matters of the heart two people combine as one. After all, isn’t romance and laughter and comfort and commeradery what we signed up for. who ever drives to a F$$kin buffet just to smell the food and leave.
Thanks for the article Caroline. I believe I’ve read it or similar before. I don’t consider myself to have a high sex drive, but once a month would be nice. It has been more than 7 months since my husband and I were intimate. I really don’t know what to do about our situation other than to accept it. Talking doesn’t work as my husband is unwilling to discuss it and he gets upset. I repress my feelings about the matter and try to act as though I’m okay with it. I suspect there are medical issues, but he is unwilling to discuss it or to seek medical help. I think pride may have something to do with it, but I’m not sure. Nonetheless I love him, I just miss the closeness.
I know the feeling and their are some medical behind it for my wife, but, why can’t I just have help getting off sometimes. it doesnt even to be actual intercourse. nope she played mind games with me for last 16 years about her problem. it’s like someone telling you they bought you a pony but you can’t have it until after you die.
Hello, I hit with this website searching answers about why my wife doesn’t have any sexual feelings for me, we only have 35 and 32 years old with only 10 years of marriage and a seven year old boy.
I can stop crying after reading Tinas comment, for some reason I don’t want to my wife ended up like her.
I love my wife but I feel like I can’t not more.
I wish I can express myself better but my English is not that good.
Tina I wish you the best.
Thank You so much it helps me understand why I feel the way I feel. As me and my wife have only been married a month now and have been together almost 3 years I would think this part of our marriage would be the most sexually actively. Yet I feel unwanted and it seems I am desired more from women outside of my wife than her. Me and wife do not flirt for she doesn’t know how, whenever we do have sex she makes me feel as if it’s only because I want it. I don’t even know when she’s sexually stimulated or in the mood because she shows no signs or sexual affection. Usually when we have sex either she says; “Maybe we can have sex later?”, which is a mood killer because it doesn’t mean anything for the simple fact that she has to announce it instead of just engaging, When she says it she makes me feel like a kid or as If she’s throwing a bone to a dog like she’s only doing it to satisfy me and when we do engage in it she doesn’t touch me, there is no real emotional connection. I’ve even controlled my sex drive because I’ve felt like maybe I wanted sex too much, I went from wanting it everyday to atleast 2-3 times a week but this is a struggle to the point now I don’t even want to initiate it with her and I get angry when she can lay in bed with me a whole night and it it even come across her mind that it’s okay to have sex. I don’t know what I should do at this point I can honestly say that I am beginning not to look at her in an attractive manner anymore.
I hear you here. My wife and I married in our 30s and have been married 10 years together 14. In a 8 year period, married years 1 through 8 we had sex 3 times and conceived 2 children. I’m not sure what happened but we stayed together because we loved one another I think. Because of your lack of intimacy we treated each other with awful cruelty and disrespect. It wasn’t until she was caught cheating what we woke up to one another need and now sexually are completely connected and happy for the most part. I’m still inniating for 80% of the time and that’s why I’m here. It’s so difficult not to feel wanted by your partner and no communication can fix it, I don’t care what’s said. I can articulate my needs so perfectly but they fall on deaf ears. I will also mention I have the body and health of a 20 year old at 45 and she too but I’m beginning to think maybe her hormones are at play. For whatever it’s worth, good luck..
You caught her cheating, still remained loyal, and she still won’t fix herself. That’s women for you.
This is my exact situation bud. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. She wants it way less. She’ll stare at her phone or watch tv and even straight up ignore me when I make advances. We used to have sex a lot when we were dating. Used to do it 3 times a week or so when we first got married. Now that we had a kids she doesn’t need me for anything anymore. Doesn’t matter how much I help her with anything she just doesn’t need me. She doesn’t even flirt with me or text me anymore. Makes me think she just used sex to get what she wanted – rope in a good guy, and make a baby. It makes me resent her. And when she turns me down she makes me feel guilty like I’m the bad one for wanting it. And the thing is she’s been cheated on 4 times by guys who she said never wanted her. Well I’m here and I want her every day and she doesn’t care. It makes me really angry. It’s like no matter what nothing is ever good enough for women and all they do is switch things up on you no matter what you do right. Even after talking about it all she does is shut down and tell me to give her grace about it. I’m tired of being rejected and turned away. If she’d rather stare at her screen than share intimate love with her husband then why tf did we get married?
After almost 2 years of relationship,I always thought its too early for us to have sex and she may not be ready for it (im just 18). But since the day we met i’ve always loved her with all my heart and dying to have a sexaul connection with her. Some people think its bcz of my age or bcz im a guy and i just wanna feel good, but its nothing except i love her sooo much that i want to make her feel good and want to have sex with me even if i wont sexually feel anth at ALL. I just need her wanted sexual connection with me and wanting to have sex that would be more than enough for me, and i will stop suffering from this feelings of emotionally broken, always moody, psychologically affected, always angry and mad, searching for a reason to fight. I tried EVERYTHING and EVERY WAY to let her understand sex and sexual stuff are very important to me, more than anything is this world, she never understood me and keeps on fighting about it, she even thinks im the wrong one and she’s always right. Can anyone help me in any way and tell me what to do?
I would want sex a lot more if my husband could actually take direction in bed. Unfortunately for me, he had many many sex partners before we got married. I guess many of those women faked orgasms enough to fool him into thinking his way of doing things would work for every woman. He doesn’t understand why that doesn’t work for me, and when I try to make suggestions he gets irritated at me. So I am left with a devastatingly disappointment of a sex life. Why would I want more sex if it has to be all about him every time and I get absolutely nothing out of it. Men who have had a lot of experience should approach their wife as if they had none. They need to understand that they are discovering a new person entirely and that person won’t necessarily respond the way everybody else has in the past.
You can’t imagine how frustrating this is been for me to have waited so long for marriage and believed the lie from the church that it would be so great only to get nothing. Sex is supposed to be one of the good things about marriage even when other areas of the relationship is tough or not great. I would’ve never signed up for marriage if I would have known that it was going to be this way. All the misery with none of the pleasure. I feel really jilted.
Talk. Now. Pray. At all costs.
Take it from a 32 year veteran. Longer you wait, worse it will get. I hung in there for a decade or so until it just got too exhausting (and humiliating) I guess. Still try once a year or so. Or when she wants to pick a fight about one of “her” issues.
Jilted? Feel you sister. I always made sure DW “went first”. Still do if/when she will “allow” anything to take place. Usually multiples as well. Almost like she “gets mad” that I do.
The sad part about refusal/gatekeeping/defrauding is that you feel like it would somehow be easier or feel less abandoned if you were single. At least then you KNOW sex is ALWAYS off the table and can do other things to cope.
What really hurts is when the one “God gave you” to help with this fight could care less! And has the gall to believe that somehow she is “holier than thou” in some twisted way. Then church is zero help whatsoever. Not comfortable discussing “icky” sex stuff.
I would love to see a “show of hands” on Sunday morning for folks that are in some “mismatch” or distress in their bedroom lives. Too obvious or embarrassing? Maybe just say feel like could benefit from yearly “tune up” counseling or something.
Every married spouse has at least “one thing” I am thinking. I bet you wouldn’t get a single hand though. And probably wouldn’t do anything about it if it was unanimous.
Also sad is that Christian Marriage is SUPPOSED to be an example of sex done “right”. Instead it is almost a cliché and yet it is this MASSIVE third rail for the church.
No lack of “zeal” if either of these lost souls succumbs to porn, infidelity, emotional affair, divorce or other pitfalls. No shortage of “help” then!
Jilted is too nice a term. Have never liked KJV, but I think they got it right with defrauded. Baited and switched just doesn’t have the same gravitas does it? HA!
You feel jilted because your concept of what men are supposed to be was wrong from the very beginning.
Men are not here to just take care of you and make it a happy ending. We have needs. If you didn’t want anything to do with fulfilling a man’s needs then you should have never accepted the title of wife.
By not accepting that there are parts of the relationship that are more important to him, and instead making it about how you feel, you are telegraphing to everyone that you put your own needs above his.
Both husbands and wife’s needs have to be taken seriously. That’s what marriage is. It sounds like you’re not ready for one yet.
We are married for 8 years now, and we are still young I’m 28 and she’s 27, we have 2 daughters,.I really love my wife, but sometimes I think our sex is not enough, thrice a week is as far as we go, once every 2 weeks is the worst, I don’t know if I’m a sex addict or what, but I want it all the time, or everyday. We both work, that’s why I understand it sometimes if she don’t want to do it. But my desire for sex is so strong, and it made me feel irritated, still I don’t want to force her, and sometime it lead me to masturbate, for her it’s ok, for me it’s not, it feel like “hello, you have a wife and still you masturbate”. I already opened the topic to her so many times how sex is very important to me, In a good way or serious convo I think, and sometimes In a rude way cause I can’t stand not having sex. But I dont think she take it seriously, It seems like she dont care at all, It really make me feel so bad, It really hurts my feeling, I dont know if its because of our age the Im so into sex, but we’ve been together for almost 2years before we got married,.But despite of all this I don’t want to have any relationship to others, not at all, I love her and my 2 daughters, I dont want to destroy my family. I just want to overcome my desire cause I dont think I can change her to follow mine, thats why I want to make things ok by adjusting myself, and all I can think only that can help me.
The more you want people to experience anything on the same level as you do, the more you will feel empty.
Your wife will probably never experience this part of your life the same way as you do.she might have a different love language than you have.accept it ,if you dont the sex and intimacy part of your life will get such high importance that it will negatively influence your health.when you do get intimate enjoy it to the fullest and make it clear to your wife that she means the world to you and thank her for the lovemaking from the bottom of your heart!show her that you enjoy it!sometimes peoples sees it as being to vulnerable and then they dont express their true feelings.the partner will interperate this as they are not really appteciated.hope the advise can help.regards carebear
You are going to drive her away if you don’t get yourself under control.
watdaboy says:
Hey dude. I kind of had the same idea.I thought maybe i needed to be dialed down a bit. I mean if she wear a shirt with no bra…holy lord does that turn me on. You know when it gets real bad? If she changes her underwear right in front of you as if you were her brother. That is a real killer for me.
So my wife and I have had a few ups and downs. She had a short affair (2 days or so by my count as I seemed to have stumbled on it early). That sucked, but you know what sucked the worse? That she went out “holding hands” with an ex instead of seeking that attention from me. Haven written that, I love her like no other. I mean i really deeply do. Despite that idiocy she attempted, i forgave her. But you know what never came back? The intimacy. Im talking about ZERO. No hugs, cuddling, nothing. This has been going on now for about 7 or 8 years. It started right after our first daughter. I bring it all of the time and try to explain how her rejections make me feel, but i dont get much back from her. She tells me she understands, but I dont see much of a change. Recently i have quit alcohol as it was starting to become a problem, but all that did was kind of put me in a spot where I am more clear headed and have more time to think! God i wish i didnt think so much lol. When i ask directly, “have you ever liked sex?”, and she tells me that she does not really care for or against it. Its just not important to her. This KILLED me. Talk about feeling helpless. I countered this with a few stories from our past. What ever happened to the girl that used to nibble on my ears in public? Who used whisper how flexible she is. I would kill for just a fraction of that. We are currently in counseling and have our first appointment this Monday.
If this does not work at all or if there is no progress, then the next question, How do I lower my sex drive so this does not matter to me as much? I love her that much that I would purposely lower my libido to stay in this. She is a great person EVERYWHERE else, just want some help with this. If she never liked sex, im afriad that is something that will be a tough fight.
All the things mentioned in this article are right on target for me, so glad I found it and could share it with my wife. We both had “aha” moments reading it! She too thought sex was just a physical sensation for me and other men, but I recently tried to explain to her how much it means to me for her to enjoy it too. I broke into tears trying to explain it, and she was just as bewildered as I was. I’m not quick to tears, so it was really odd that I broke down like that. It was like a wave of remorse and regret just swept over me for not trying to explain this to her sooner. This article definitely helped us understand what sex and intimacy means to me.
Something not mentioned here, and maybe it’s just something dad’s feel when making love to their wives, is how special it feels to keep making love to the mother of your children, and how connected I feel to her for the special gift of our love, our kids, and our lives together. We are in our late 40’s with two older children, and I had a vasectomy many years ago, so we are well past the child bearing years, and yet when I make love to my wife I still feel that gratitude and affection for her pour over me. It’s just something so powerful in my heart.
Any other husbands/fathers feel that way?
No. That’s kind of a turn-off to think of that.
My wife say’s that I only have a one track mind. Both her mother and her say that I only think about sex. I cannot seem to get her to understand. If I even try to talk to her they way you suggest, she gets distant and refuses to talk…or she’ll just change the subject.
I can relate to rejected husband. My wife of 37 years, who I am madly in love with, says she has no sex drive anymore. She pulls away from me, emotionally, physically, and spiritually when I tell her I am bleeding from my heart because she has refused to make love to me since May 2015!
Ditto Ted. I think it’s clear that our wives simply don’t care about our happiness or they’d make at least a little effort. After trying everything to bring my marriage back to where it was… I think the only 2 options are either: losing everything in a divorce …. or living in a sexless marriage with a room mate mingled with with masturbation once a week. At least you don’t lose everything with the latter option which I’ve accepted as the lesser of 2 evils.
It is so good to read this. I can’t seem to get my wife to understand that sex isn’t just about an orgasm. We both have a high sex drive, but I would actually prefer some more intimate moments with her. I try hard to make love how I feel she enjoys it the most, and I spend time touching her, caressing her hair, kissing her all over, holding her. Yet when it comes to me she just lays there doing nothing. I do talk to her about it, and for a week or so she may be different, but she just slips back into the “dead fish” as I hear men talk about. For her she thinks all I want is to be tossed off with a hand job, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I want to feel desired and loved in bed, to be kissed on the back of the neck, to have my body touched all over. Is this really too much to ask? I don’t thing she has ever come up behind me and held me close, and by asking her to do these things just makes me feel it would be false. I don’t think she understands how attractive I find her when she wears nice clothes, or how I want to make her feel loved, as she doesn’t seem to show it to me. She often says she loves me, but that’s different to me feeling loved. Sex is great, but it’s what happens before and after that hurts me the most. At worst I feel used and worthless, and at best I only feel I make her happy. Intamacy and romance is more important to men than most women understand 🙁
I’m sorry, but this little excerpt:
“Pursue her in non-sexual ways (notes, date nights, midday calls, etc.), give her warm-up time before sex, flirt with her throughout the day, and create a context of closeness and emotional security. Understand that some women with young children find that they are physically exhausted by the end of a day. Help her to plan ahead for a nap on a certain day of the week so she can feel more rested or wait until the weekend when she can get caught up on her sleep.”
Is not very good advice, and I’ll tell you why. (I am speaking in generalities of course, your mileage may vary.)
I have found that females with a low/nonexistent libido will NOT see these as a precursor for what you are hoping for. Sex isn’t a thought in her mind, isn’t a priority, so why would you doing something like this suddenly make that thought pop in her head? It won’t.
In fact, doing all these things actually have the opposite effect, because she will assume that everything is fine. If you are doing extra things to romance her, she will not believe that something is amiss, nor will she interpret these things as a prelude to sex. She will be happier, yes, but doing extra chores isn’t going to magically give her a libido – it’s just going to make her sink more into her complacency.
As the one without a libido, she’s not missing out on anything. You’re the one with the void in your life. She’s not going to interpret these efforts the way you hope.
Then let’s see where you end up. You’ve put in extra effort with hopes of revving her engine, but there’s no engine to rev. So she absorbs all of your affection, happily takes the extra nap, but doesn’t reciprocate, nor does she become more receptive. Now you’re in the same spot as before, but you put in MORE effort to get there.
In her mind, she’s being rewarded for no reason. Remember, sex isn’t a thought in her mind. If you are hoping that this will be positive reinforcement, you are going to be disappointed. You can’t reinforce thoughts that do not exist.
That is an awesome and spot-on response. I only wish I could understand why, after 27 years of marriage, countless talks, and advanced intellect, that the thought in her simply doesn’t exist. I prefer to believe she doesn’t WANT the thought to exist, therefore it doesn’t. Forget the intricacies of the human mind and psyche, I call BS that she doesn’t understand, know, realize that it’s important to me.
Your answer is spot on, and just one of many sad truths :
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Perfect answer
Man, you are 100% right. Hear my story
For almost 2 years never had spontanius sex, when iniciating always she were saying tomorrow etc. And once per month vanilla sex i was getting that fells like she doing like duty. Btw i am very romantic guy, every day compliments, randomly flowers etc. Talked about this situation hundered times. I think it is hormonal thats why encouraged her see doctor. She giving promises to go but never happened. She promising for 2 years she will do it at least once a week. 3 days ago i stop kisses, call her with name. And when she try to give kiss i said not in the mood all the time. And everyday she start to ask whats wrong? I answered dont wanna talk. 3 days later i said you are like my roommate thats why i am treating you as a roommate. After that guys she said ” i understand you, lack of sex is my fault, i will visit doctor for hormones etc. and pychatrist”. She got appoitment already.
Ps.i forgot to tell. We are married for 3 years
Best thought I’ve heard!
Thank you for the spot-on response! I’m so sick and tired of the 24×7 things that men need to do to make all the endless calculus and emotions in women’s come together just right so they will then hopefully entertain the idea of having sex with their life partner once a week or so. It’s a quid pro quo and it’s a raw deal frankly. Further, you are absolutely right, all these actions will do is increase the comfort of the person who still doesn’t want to sleep with you. I love my wife, but I’m entitled to intimacy in a relationship, and while we get along great, we don’t have that, and she’s just fine with it. I’m not. In such cases, the wife needs to accept the consequence – emotional neglect means the husband has to get it someplace else. It’s not crass and it’s not misogynistic. It’s near the very bottom of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Good article. I swear I do all of these things listed. We have sex maybe once per week. It’s not enough for me, but I go with it anyway. What is weird is that I make sex all about her. I try to talk about what she wants and likes. I give her a good oral orgasm every time. I’m still trying to figure out how to give her a vaginal orgasm. She tells me she’s not really ever masturbated in her younger days. She likes only one position (missionary), and does not like how she looks despite me telling her how sexy and turned on her body makes me feel. I dont think her mind will ever be right for a gspot orgasm since she may feel gross in positions like doggy and woman on top. I really want her to experience this since I feel she’ll initiate sex more. But I feel what others do above–sometimes withdrawal and inadequate when she doesnt want me.
My wife has no sex drive. It’s only when I mess around with her or say anything, then she will try something for a day then it’s back to being to busy for it, or never thinking of it for a long while. I wish she would just want me.
you insinuate that my wife likes to be held. She hates being held and doesn’t like to talk much either. So what would else would you suggest I relate to “me enjoying her having sex with me… just as she enjoys me_______ with her”
What she enjoys from me is: fixing the cars, paying the bills, leaving her alone and not talking to her while she watches tv, mowing the lawn, spending time w/the kids etc.
Should i use one of those when I have the conversation about how sex is important to me?
This is literally my wife as well. She’d rather watch TV and play on her phone. She doesn’t even respond to my flirty loving texts. It’s really demoralizing and weird. If I was dating a girl that acted this way I would dump her. When her and I were dating it was different and we were so in love, but for some reason she just changed and idk what happened. Talking about it doesn’t work. Flirting with her and doting on her doesn’t work. I give her foot massages every other night, she doesn’t even say thanks or look at me when I do it. She so consumed with everything else. She’s a ball of isolated independent stress right now and nothing I do works for her. It’s getting to the point where I just don’t care about her feelings anymore and I just want to make her do what needs to be done, because her way is killing us.
Your answer is spot on, and just one of many sad truths :
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Some of you need to learn what your wives like. Also, a few lessons in female anatomy and understanding why it is not possible for most women to orgasm through penetration would be useful. I’m so tired of all these articles about letting wives know what sex means to husbands. There should be a concentrated effort to turn the tables and saturate the Christian blogosphere with articles getting the message through to men about just what might be going on with their wives. Looking at some of the comments on here, I don’t think any of you have ever bothered to understand your wives.
My husband and I have sex frequently. He talks about his “want” for sex and fantasies nearly daily. He talks about it so much that it tends to kill the mood about it for me. I’ve told him this, he says in the moment that he’ll work on it and then a day later it starts all over again. My stress level is through the roof these days. I had a great job and was injured on the job almost a year ago – my boss has tried to terminate me and I’m currently fighting that termination. It’s a government job so it makes things even harder. My boss has done things like withhold my paychecks, told our whole office my personal business, told me my doctor’s note was fake and not valid, made fun of me with co-workers while the whole office listened. I am the one that pays the bills in the house and I’m extremely stressed on how I am going to pay rent and utilities and everything else in about 2 weeks and we are flat broke. With all these stresses on me – he lays next to me in bed and his way of “suggestion” of sex to me is to tell me he’s going to masturbate next to me and wants to know if I want to join him – oh I forgot to mention that I’ve recently been to the doctor and he changed all my medications and added a few. Side effects are loss of libido, fatigue, exhaustion etc. Now I should tell you that my husband and I have sex about 5-7x a week. Daily sometimes twice a day. Very rarely do we go without. Once in awhile a day or two will go by without it and he gets very angry and picks a fight when this happens. What am I to do? He complained I don’t initiate, so I started to make effort by initiation. Then tonight he complained I don’t initiate enough. I said I initiated the night before last – he said “ya, so it’s your turn now” I looked at him bewildered – did I just hear that come out of this mouth – are we 5??? Is he keeping tally right now like a child?? He complained that last night all I did was lay there – to which I replied “I was sleeping” he said “ya, so”. All he seems to do is complain and has no understanding or support of all the crap I’ve been going through with work to try to fight for my job and pay. I told him that all he’s doing is adding more stress on me with picking fights over something that makes no sense to me – what I mean by that is, he complains about sex but we have it frequently – so I don’t know what to do. FYI this isn’t even the half of it but I fear this is getting long already. Someone please help.
This thread is into its 10th year. I’d offer the answer that you are dealing with aversion and that not all aversion comes from a trauma based event. Some people do not like sex and find it gross, unpleasant and a miserable experience. It is a high stress, high tension, high anxiety activity that leaves you feeling slimy, smelly and sore and anything but connected. You have to listen to grunts, groans and obscenities (dirty talk). What you consider an exciting ‘fun’ activity is viewed as a debasing, degrading and depraved act. ‘Toys’ are pieces of plastic you want to shove into a bodily cavity and look like something Mengele used in Germany. The fact you get aroused by porn leads to total contempt for things that arouse you. You fantasies are stomach-churning turn-offs. The entire sex process is experienced as a nightmarish event leaving you awake all night w/no sleep.
Yeah, some just never get the sex part of marriage figured out. That’s okay as long as you are both happy.
Jazakallah. Engaging in an open and honest conversation about the emotional significance of sex is crucial. Sharing feelings and desires can help bridge the understanding gap between partners, fostering a more fulfilling and intimate connection.