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Hurt Feelings? Try This One Thing To Change Your Perspective
After finding herself on the receiving end of her husband’s hurtful behavior one too many times, Andrea questioned me about a principle I shared in my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. As she saw it, all that principle does is give your spouse […]
3 Things to Do When You’re Disappointed By Your Spouse
Every single one of us has been very disappointed by our spouse from time to time. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story.
5 Steps to Make Your Marriage Explode (in a Good Way!)
Assume the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you: in other words, that your spouse really does love you, respect you, and wants the best for you.
Want a happy marriage? 3 Ways to Nix All Marriage Negativity
There’s a couple I know who just seems to have their act together. They’re a joy to be around and it’s obvious that they genuinely like being around each other, too! No, they’re not perfect (they have kids and jobs and, ahem, they’re human!) but their drama seems to be kept at a minimum. Over […]
Motive Matters: Believing the Best of Your Spouse
Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain? My husband says things that are harsh to […]
2 Things to Do if You Want Your Teen to Talk to You
“How was school?” (Shrug.) “Fine.” “What did you do?” “Nothin’.” If this sounds familiar, join the club! Not only do I have two teenagers, but I’ve interviewed and surveyed about 3,000 of them for For Parents Only and other books, and discovered that the condition homo teenagesapiens silenticus (otherwise known as “being a teenager who is uninformatively […]
Want a Great Marriage? Ask yourself this sneakily important question!
Whether you want to improve a difficult marriage or celebrate a great one, I’ve seen in all the research — especially for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages — that one of the best possible things you can do is to ask yourself: How did I meet my spouse and fall in love to begin […]
Believing the Best Isn’t Letting Him Off the Hook
Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain? My husband says things that are harsh to […]
Guys wonder: do compliments really matter? Three things your wife is secretly thinking:
“Am I beautiful?” You may think your wife is beautiful, adorable, sexy, and you love to look at her. And yet…. she probably sees all her flaws instead. She has deep doubts about whether she is beautiful at all. Little girls will spin in a pretty dress, asking “Daddy, am I pretty?” And guys, your confident, […]
Diamond Disappointment: If the ring is cheap, does it mean his feelings are too?
Dear Shaunti, The day my boyfriend asked me to marry him was one of the happiest days of my life. He went all out: perfect location, meaningful words, and down on one knee with a lovely ring. At the time, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But now, just a few months before the wedding, […]
When Talking Politics with your Mate, Disarm and Listen
Dear Shaunti, I can’t wait until the presidential election is over. My husband and I were on the same page politically until a few months ago, but are now very divided. I literally can’t skim past a cable news channel without my husband trying to force me into a discussion about a political issue. He’s trying […]
Huntley Street: Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages
Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: Do the Little Things. Shaunti spent three years interviewing and surveying 1,000 couples to uncover the most important habits of the most happily married couples – what are they doing differently, that they may not even realize is making them so happy, that others can replicate? Watch “Do the […]
Realistic Tips for Reeling Him Back In
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married 22 years and I love him, but we’ve been arguing a lot lately. We both work a lot and have two children busy with extracurricular activities, so we spend a good bit of time apart. I tend to be a control freak and, as my husband says, […]
Time to Hang up the Hurt, Hang out Together, and Hang On
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I still care for my husband, but for the most part, I avoid him. I find him difficult to be around. I really don’t enjoy his company. I have felt hurt, disrespected and uncared for so many times that I have up some […]
Does being "all-in" mean not having boundaries?
Dear Shaunti, I just finished your book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and learned a lot. But I also noticed that one of your research findings is the importance of not holding anything back emotionally. Yet I’m also reading Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. It feels like a tension there between his […]
Spill Out Your Secrets To Fill Up Your Marriage
Dear Shaunti, Just before I got married, my grandmother presented me with a check – more zeroes than I’d ever seen next to my name – with the stipulation that it was my “special” fund. I was to park the money someplace safe and use it only for me; she advised me not to tell […]
The (Wandering) Eye of Tiger: Did Woods’ Girlfriend Really Leave Him Because He Didn’t Spend Enough Time with Her?
Dear Shaunti, My wife and I got into a “discussion” the other day that has me baffled. She’d read that Tiger Woods and his girlfriend, Lindsey Vonn, said they broke up because they didn’t spend enough time together. I said that obviously wasn’t the real reason because no one actually breaks up over that. I’m […]
Complaining kills, but discussion heals
Dear Shaunti, I know you’re a researcher, but I think most marriage researchers are off the mark. See, I’m a direct person; that’s just how I roll. And think in marriage it’s important to get things off our chest and let the other person know when they are doing something that bugs us. So I […]
Should I read my wife’s texts?
Dear Shaunti, My wife is the best person I know; she’s funny, warm, affectionate, and a hard worker. She’s also a great homemaker for me and our kids. We could have a fantastic marriage. The problem is me. I have no reason to suspect her of anything at all. In fact, I’m sure she’s never […]
When you’re seeing the negative in your spouse, avoid people who pile on – and spend time with encouragers instead
Tip #54: When you’re seeing the negative in your spouse, avoid people who pile on – and spend time with encouragers instead While I was in the middle of my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages I ran across an old friend who was in a difficult place with her husband of 20 years. […]
2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together
Dear Shaunti, I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict. Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it. […]
Choose what type of couple you want to be.
Tip #52: Choose what type of couple you want to be. One night recently, I had to stop everything, and write something down. Because it was far, far too important to forget – and provides a key tip for marriages. I was speaking at a thank-you dinner for a group of people who work with […]
Negative wife? Here’s how to stop the cycle!
Dear Shaunti, My wife and I are making a concerted effort to improve our marriage. Although she is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives me crazy at how negative she’s become over 12 years together. She is often critical about the most insignificant things. I didn’t pick the right pajamas for the […]
Face Conflict Head On Even When You Want to Peace-Out
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I never used to fight, but there have been a lot of fights, or almost-fights, the last few months. My husband is on the verge of losing his job in a restructuring, and we have three kids under the age of five. So he’s tense and on edge all the […]
When things get heated, be more kind.
A note from Shaunti: As many of you know, we just completed the 30 Day Kindness Challenge on Valentine’s Day. This post is just one small go-forward reminder to all of us not to stop our efforts! Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening […]
Husbands, say “we’re okay” before sleeping on it
Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths men and women tend not to know about each other–but which change everything once we […]
Gain Lots of Mileage with Little Gestures
Dear Shaunti: I’m married to a wonderful woman whom I dearly love. The problem is, she doesn’t believe it! No matter how much I tell her I love her, how hard I work to bring home a good paycheck, how often I take the kids or do the chores so she can have time to […]
Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be
Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages. Tip #44: Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be Ladies, have you ever had one of […]
Killing the Divorce Myth With Kindness
Many of you have written to me asking what I think about this The Atlantic article, “Masters of Love,” that has been making the rounds in cyberspace. The article shares some key research by one of my research heroes, John Gottman, and his wife Julie, about how to get to “happily ever after” in marriage and […]
Banish the D-Word
Tip #39: Banish the D-word Are there some words that you try to keep out of your vocabulary? In our family, from the time our kids were little they knew we just didn’t say certain words in our family. Not just the usual four-letter swear words, but any word that could become a weapon used against someone […]
When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night
Dear Shaunti: I’m so angry with my husband that I could spit. Every now and then Dave ignores a much-needed opportunity for us to be together, and does something else instead. Like last weekend: after months of working overtime, we recently had a day all to ourselves. The kids were even at a sleepover with […]
Marriage Monday: Wives, have realistic expectations and share them with your husband
Tip #31: Wives, have realistic expectations and share them with your husband Happy spouses help create happy marriages! Makes sense right? And it turns out that one of the things that will keep you happy – and thus your marriage happy – is avoiding a situation where you are likely to experience unmet expectations. Let me give […]
Zipping My Lip Finally Paid Off
Guest blog by Julie Fidler For four years, my husband worked full-time with disturbed and often violent children while going to college online. A few months ago, he marched in his cap and gown, and today his degree arrived – physical proof of his dedication, hard work and strength. We don’t have any kids of […]
Calling All Teens!
Are you a teenager who would like to discuss my books? Would your son or daughter like a place to talk about For Young Women Only or For Young Men Only? Good news! We have started a new Facebook group just for teens! The group is moderated and closed, so discussions are private within the group. […]
Marriage Monday: Be All-In – and Don't Believe the Myth of the High Divorce Rate
Marriage Tip: In a second marriage, be “all in” instead of trying to protect yourself… and don’t believe the myth of the high divorce rate. If you’re on your second marriage, you’ve probably heard – many times! – that your odds aren’t good. Maybe your first marriage ended in divorce and you entered a new […]
Marriage Monday: Mutually Reconnect With Your Spouse After Conflict
Tip #26: When you and your mate experience hurt feelings and conflict, mutually reconnect by sharing a private signal that says “We’re okay.” When it comes to marriage, it turns out that how you end a fight is just as important as whether you avoid one. Because in any marital union – just like any […]
Marriage Mondays: Get in Over Your Head
Tip #23: Get in Over Your Head Man, our culture doesn’t always make it easy to stay married, does it? One of the most bogus messages we hear about marriage is that husbands and wives should keep a little piece of themselves private. You know, like feelings you keep from your mate but share with some […]
Be Grateful For His Creativity Rather Than Grumpy About His Clutter
Dear Shaunti, My husband seems to miss the point of giving me “down time.” When I get out of the house for a few hours, and he is with our five-year-old twins, I always come home to a mess! It is not like the house is trashed, but he and the kids are having such […]
Sticks and Stones: Your Words Can Build (or Demolish) Your Husband's Security
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married only three months – and I’ll be lucky to see four since apparently I hurt him really badly last weekend without meaning to. See, we were at a wedding and even though he’s not a dancer he knew I used to love to go dancing before […]
Small Changes Make Big Differences
Tip 13: Realize that several small changes usually make the big difference One of the most effective things we can do to encourage our marriages is to knock down the widespread myth that marriage is utterly hard and complicated and that having a good marriage, or fixing a troubled one, requires a Ph.D. in psychology. […]
Believe You Hit the Jackpot
Secret #10: Believe You Hit the Jackpot Here’s a thought to consider: if we gave our spouses more credit for their role in the good things in our marriages…would they probably start contributing even more? The reason I ask that is because the highly happy couples I interviewed and surveyed had a very different answer […]
Don’t Tell It Like It Is
Marriage Month Daily Tip: Don’t Tell It Like It Is Have you ever been out in public and heard someone talking to their spouse in a way that made you wince? Like: “I cannot believe you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again! I asked you three times. What were you thinking?” Whenever I […]
Have Great – But Realistic – Expectations
Marriage Month Daily Tip: Have Great – But Realistic — Expectations One of the main reasons for unhappiness is having an expectation that is not met. You thought you deserved and would get a raise after a year of 60-hour weeks, and you got a pat on the back since “the budget is tight.” You […]
Hang Out…On Purpose!
Tip #8: Hang Out…On Purpose! At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And it turns out that the greatest predictor of close friendships is not shared values or personality – it is geographic proximity! You’re closest to the people you see the most often. Anyone who has had a close friend […]
Boss Your Feelings Around
Tip #5: Boss Your Feelings Around Think back to a time when you did something out of overwhelming emotion and it ended badly. Everyone has one of these stories. Or twenty. Maybe you were seething because your good friend was 30 minutes late to pick you up – again – and you gave into the temptation […]
Keep Score
Tip #4: Keep Score According to the 1 Corinthians 13:5, love is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. The Highly Happy couples I interviewed for my book, Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, taught me, however, that the best marriages do actually keep score – just not in the way you might be […]
Go to Bed Mad – Why Sleeping on it Might Be Smarter After All
Tip #3: Go to Bed Mad- Why Sleeping on it Might Be Smarter After All “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” “Don’t go to bed mad.” Most of us have heard this advice all our lives and have tried hard to apply it to our relationships. It may be late at […]
When You are Hurt, Believe the Best
Tip #2: Believe the Best As I was watching the second Hunger Games movie with my 13-year-old daughter, I was reminded – of all things – of something I saw during the last few years of researching marriages. Something that I now believe is one of the most important keys to a happy marriage. Anyone […]
Do the Little Things That Matter Big Time
Secret #1: Do the “Little Things” That Matter Big Time One of the simplest things that happy couples tend to do differently, is that the husbands and the wives tend to do the same few day-to-day “little things” that always tell a woman or a man that “I care about you.” And it turns out, […]
Do We Have to Put Our Conflicts To Bed Before Lights Out?
Dear Shaunti, I’m about to pull my very tired hair out. My wife and I know we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but our arguments only get worse the later they go. I love my wife, but I trulycan’t think straight after 11pm. Last night, I got so angry I said some hurtful things I shouldn’t […]
