Shaunti Feldhahn

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Want a happy marriage? 3 Ways to Nix All Marriage Negativity

There’s a couple I know who just seems to have their act together. They’re a joy to be around and it’s obvious that they genuinely like being around each other, too! No, they’re not perfect (they have kids and jobs and, ahem, they’re human!) but their drama seems to be kept at a minimum. Over […]

Motive Matters: Believing the Best of Your Spouse

Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain? My husband says things that are harsh to […]

2 Things to Do if You Want Your Teen to Talk to You

“How was school?” (Shrug.) “Fine.” “What did you do?” “Nothin’.” If this sounds familiar, join the club! Not only do I have two teenagers, but I’ve interviewed and surveyed about 3,000 of them for For Parents Only and other books, and discovered that the condition homo teenagesapiens silenticus (otherwise known as “being a teenager who is uninformatively […]

Want a Great Marriage? Ask yourself this sneakily important question!

Whether you want to improve a difficult marriage or celebrate a great one, I’ve seen in all the research — especially for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages — that one of the best possible things you can do is to ask yourself: How did I meet my spouse and fall in love to begin […]

Believing the Best Isn’t Letting Him Off the Hook

Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain? My husband says things that are harsh to […]

When Talking Politics with your Mate, Disarm and Listen

Dear Shaunti, I can’t wait until the presidential election is over. My husband and I were on the same page politically until a few months ago, but are now very divided. I literally can’t skim past a cable news channel without my husband trying to force me into a discussion about a political issue. He’s trying […]

Huntley Street: Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: Do the Little Things. Shaunti spent three years interviewing and surveying 1,000 couples to uncover the most important habits of the most happily married couples – what are they doing differently, that they may not even realize is making them so happy, that others can replicate? Watch “Do the […]

Realistic Tips for Reeling Him Back In

Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married 22 years and I love him, but we’ve been arguing a lot lately. We both work a lot and have two children busy with extracurricular activities, so we spend a good bit of time apart. I tend to be a control freak and, as my husband says, […]

Time to Hang up the Hurt, Hang out Together, and Hang On

Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I still care for my husband, but for the most part, I avoid him. I find him difficult to be around. I really don’t enjoy his company. I have felt hurt, disrespected and uncared for so many times that I have up some […]

Does being "all-in" mean not having boundaries?

Dear Shaunti, I just finished your book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and learned a lot. But I also noticed that one of your research findings is the importance of not holding anything back emotionally. Yet I’m also reading Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. It feels like a tension there between his […]

Spill Out Your Secrets To Fill Up Your Marriage

Dear Shaunti, Just before I got married, my grandmother presented me with a check – more zeroes than I’d ever seen next to my name – with the stipulation that it was my “special” fund. I was to park the money someplace safe and use it only for me; she advised me not to tell […]

Complaining kills, but discussion heals

Dear Shaunti, I know you’re a researcher, but I think most marriage researchers are off the mark. See, I’m a direct person; that’s just how I roll. And think in marriage it’s important to get things off our chest and let the other person know when they are doing something that bugs us. So I […]

Should I read my wife’s texts?

Dear Shaunti, My wife is the best person I know; she’s funny, warm, affectionate, and a hard worker. She’s also a great homemaker for me and our kids. We could have a fantastic marriage. The problem is me. I have no reason to suspect her of anything at all. In fact, I’m sure she’s never […]

2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together

Dear Shaunti, I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict. Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it. […]

Choose what type of couple you want to be.

Tip #52: Choose what type of couple you want to be. One night recently, I had to stop everything, and write something down. Because it was far, far too important to forget – and provides a key tip for marriages. I was speaking at a thank-you dinner for a group of people who work with […]

Negative wife? Here’s how to stop the cycle!

Dear Shaunti, My wife and I are making a concerted effort to improve our marriage. Although she is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives me crazy at how negative she’s become over 12 years together. She is often critical about the most insignificant things. I didn’t pick the right pajamas for the […]

Face Conflict Head On Even When You Want to Peace-Out

Dear Shaunti, My husband and I never used to fight, but there have been a lot of fights, or almost-fights, the last few months. My husband is on the verge of losing his job in a restructuring, and we have three kids under the age of five. So he’s tense and on edge all the […]

When things get heated, be more kind.

A note from Shaunti: As many of you know, we just completed the 30 Day Kindness Challenge on Valentine’s Day. This post is just one small go-forward reminder to all of us not to stop our efforts! Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening […]

Husbands, say “we’re okay” before sleeping on it

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths men and women tend not to know about each other–but which change everything once we […]

Gain Lots of Mileage with Little Gestures

Dear Shaunti: I’m married to a wonderful woman whom I dearly love. The problem is, she doesn’t believe it! No matter how much I tell her I love her, how hard I work to bring home a good paycheck, how often I take the kids or do the chores so she can have time to […]

Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages. Tip #44: Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be Ladies, have you ever had one of […]

Killing the Divorce Myth With Kindness

Many of you have written to me asking what I think about this The Atlantic article, “Masters of Love,” that has been making the rounds in cyberspace. The article shares some key research by one of my research heroes, John Gottman, and his wife Julie, about how to get to “happily ever after” in marriage and […]

Photo Credit: Ian D. Keating via Compfight cc

Banish the D-Word

Tip #39: Banish the D-word Are there some words that you try to keep out of your vocabulary? In our family, from the time our kids were little they knew we just didn’t say certain words in our family. Not just the usual four-letter swear words, but any word that could become a weapon used against someone […]

When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night

Dear Shaunti: I’m so angry with my husband that I could spit. Every now and then Dave ignores a much-needed opportunity for us to be together, and does something else instead. Like last weekend: after months of working overtime, we recently had a day all to ourselves. The kids were even at a sleepover with […]

Zipping My Lip Finally Paid Off

Guest blog by Julie Fidler For four years, my husband worked full-time with disturbed and often violent children while going to college online. A few months ago, he marched in his cap and gown, and today his degree arrived – physical proof of his dedication, hard work and strength. We don’t have any kids of […]

Calling All Teens!

Are you a teenager who would like to discuss my books? Would your son or daughter like a place to talk about For Young Women Only or For Young Men Only? Good news! We have started a new Facebook group just for teens! The group is moderated and closed, so discussions are private within the group. […]

Marriage Monday: Mutually Reconnect With Your Spouse After Conflict

Tip #26: When you and your mate experience hurt feelings and conflict, mutually reconnect by sharing a private signal that says “We’re okay.” When it comes to marriage, it turns out that how you end a fight is just as important as whether you avoid one. Because in any marital union – just like any […]

Marriage Mondays: Get in Over Your Head

Tip #23: Get in Over Your Head Man, our culture doesn’t always make it easy to stay married, does it? One of the most bogus messages we hear about marriage is that husbands and wives should keep a little piece of themselves private. You know, like feelings you keep from your mate but share with some […]

Small Changes Make Big Differences

Tip 13: Realize that several small changes usually make the big difference One of the most effective things we can do to encourage our marriages is to knock down the widespread myth that marriage is utterly hard and complicated and that having a good marriage, or fixing a troubled one, requires a Ph.D. in psychology. […]

Believe You Hit the Jackpot

Secret #10: Believe You Hit the Jackpot Here’s a thought to consider: if we gave our spouses more credit for their role in the good things in our marriages…would they probably start contributing even more? The reason I ask that is because the highly happy couples I interviewed and surveyed had a very different answer […]

Don’t Tell It Like It Is

Marriage Month Daily Tip: Don’t Tell It Like It Is Have you ever been out in public and heard someone talking to their spouse in a way that made you wince? Like: “I cannot believe you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again! I asked you three times. What were you thinking?” Whenever I […]

Have Great – But Realistic – Expectations

Marriage Month Daily Tip: Have Great – But Realistic — Expectations One of the main reasons for unhappiness is having an expectation that is not met. You thought you deserved and would get a raise after a year of 60-hour weeks, and you got a pat on the back since “the budget is tight.” You […]

Hang Out…On Purpose!

Tip #8: Hang Out…On Purpose! At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And it turns out that the greatest predictor of close friendships is not shared values or personality – it is geographic proximity! You’re closest to the people you see the most often. Anyone who has had a close friend […]

Boss Your Feelings Around

Tip #5: Boss Your Feelings Around Think back to a time when you did something out of overwhelming emotion and it ended badly. Everyone has one of these stories. Or twenty. Maybe you were seething because your good friend was 30 minutes late to pick you up – again – and you gave into the temptation […]

Keep Score

Tip #4: Keep Score According to the 1 Corinthians 13:5, love is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. The Highly Happy couples I interviewed for my book, Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, taught me, however, that the best marriages do actually keep score – just not in the way you might be […]

Go to Bed Mad – Why Sleeping on it Might Be Smarter After All

Tip #3: Go to Bed Mad- Why Sleeping on it Might Be Smarter After All “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” “Don’t go to bed mad.” Most of us have heard this advice all our lives and have tried hard to apply it to our relationships. It may be late at […]

When You are Hurt, Believe the Best

Tip #2: Believe the Best As I was watching the second Hunger Games movie with my 13-year-old daughter, I was reminded – of all things – of something I saw during the last few years of researching marriages. Something that I now believe is one of the most important keys to a happy marriage. Anyone […]

Do the Little Things That Matter Big Time

Secret #1: Do the “Little Things” That Matter Big Time One of the simplest things that happy couples tend to do differently, is that the husbands and the wives tend to do the same few day-to-day “little things” that always tell a woman or a man that “I care about you.” And it turns out, […]

Do We Have to Put Our Conflicts To Bed Before Lights Out?

Dear Shaunti, I’m about to pull my very tired hair out. My wife and I know we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but our arguments only get worse the later they go. I love my wife, but I trulycan’t think straight after 11pm. Last night, I got so angry I said some hurtful things I shouldn’t […]

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