Jenni and I were married in 1984 and our relationship was fairly stable for several years. Our daughter was born in 1986 and we settled into married life. The busy-ness and distractions were masking the fact that we were drifting away from each other. Mystery phrases were popping up. “We never spend any time together.” (What? I’m home every night.) “We never talk.” (What are we doing now?) “You don’t care about me.” (???). After 20 years, we had hit the wall. I often prayed for our marriage but I was resigned to fact that I would live in dysfunction for the rest of my life. What I didn’t know was that Jenni was considering leaving me. After talking with my pastor, I decided that our spiritual journey needed a restart. During this time, I heard you on the Focus on the Family radio program. You explained concepts in ways that I’d never heard before. Later, we were in a bookstore and I was able to find your books.Your writing was like a key that broke the code of our relationship. One good thing led to another. We were practicing new ways to demonstrate our love for each other, understanding the way the other felt and better fulfilling the others needs in the relationship. I never would have thought that our 30th year would be better than our first but it has been.[John Lieurance]
It was a little hard for me to give this book 5 stars, which means “I love it.” Honestly, I didn’t “love” a great deal of what was in this book, as I’m sure many women won’t. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you’ve misunderstood your entire marriage, especially if you’ve been married for many years (15 years for me). Every single chapter made me groan, realizing that I’d gotten things very wrong– and how much conflict could’ve been avoided if I’d only known earlier. For me, it’s been like being very nearsighted and then having Lasik surgery– everything is suddenly clear and in focus. And trust me, not everything looks pretty! There were things that I didn’t like reading (especially chapters 6, 7, and 9). Ladies, this book is filled with hard truths, and it WILL bring out many of your feminine insecurities. However, “ignorance is bliss” does not help a marriage grow and mature. If we want our husbands to understand us and learn how to be better husbands, we’d be wise to take our own medicine. I only wish I’d read this book earlier in my marriage, and saved me and my husband years frustration and heartache. I look forward to moving forward with clear vision.[Amazon.com review of For Women Only]
I just wanted to thank you for saving my marriage. Applying what I learned in Jeff’s book has yielded dividends far beyond my wildest expectations. And the best part is: it was pretty darn easy (even an idiot like me can do it)!
After 24 years of marriage, I had fallen into a rut. In retrospect, I see that I had become focused on what I believed was my purpose in life: to make lots of money. Being an engineer, I saw things very analytically:
Work hard=make lots of money
Lots of money=happy family
Happy family=happy wife!
Wow! Talk about some bad math!
About a year ago I was flying to the east coast and had a long layover in Chicago. With nothing better to do I wandered into a little book store. Browsing around I saw a copy of Jeff’s book. I read the cover and said to myself, yeah, right like a dumb book could make a difference. I randomly flipped to a few pages and liked the snippets I read, so I bought it. For months that little book sat in the bottom of my back pack. Then, over the summer I was traveling to a Florida for diving vacation (N.B., a vacation by myself not with my wife or family), and I found myself bored out of my skull. After reading the in-flight magazine twice, the vomit bag and the emergency instructions, etc., I rooted through my back pack and found Jeff’s book (with gum stuck to the cover). Soon I was totally engrossed and could not put the book down. I reread the book slowly and carefully cover-to-cover three times over the course of my vacation. Felt like I was studying a treasure map or the magna carta of marriage. When I returned to home, I told myself: OK, this stuff is interesting, so, I’m going to try for 30 days and see what happens (why 30 days you ask? I don’t know probably somewhat arbitrary maybe I watch too much TV (try for 30 days! If you’re not 100% satisfied, returning for a full refund)). So I have to admit that at first it felt weird/fake and my wife was looking at me like what the hell happened to him? Did he suffer brain damage diving? But within two weeks magic! We made mad passionate love (which she initiated? ) twice in the week!!!! Big deal you say? YES IT WAS! We had not made love in over two years (no, I’m not 95 years old, I’m 48 and in excellent physical health (e.g., tri-athlete), well dressed, floss my teeth, gainfully employed, a highly paid professional, etc.). I’m happy to report that things have continued to improve. For example, we are now planning to take vacations together, going out on dates, etc. Maybe most importantly, were confiding our deepest ambitions, fears, hopes and dreams with each other again. In short, I feel like I did when I first met my cute little redhead best friend in college 26 years ago!
I heard Shaunti on Nancy Leigh Demoss’ radio program and bought the book. Even after 46 years of marriage, I learned things about why my husband acts and reacts the way he does in certain situations. Like, give him some time to process my request or suggestion instead of expecting immediate answers. He weighs the pros and cons and then comes to his well thought out conclusions. I bought two extra copies and gave one as a’ wedding gift. Mine and the other one are being loaned out at church.
-anonymous, review of For Women Only
I didn’t learn of the women’s seminar with Shaunti Feldhahn until a week before but decided to go and invited my best friend (without knowing fully what it was about). I ended up with four people in my van!
Within five minutes of Shaunti’s introduction, I knew I was “in for it”! In her introduction she asked (me) “Would I be willing to allow God to change my mind?” Chills came over me and my eyes welled with tears. I knew instantly that her question was something I never considered (even though it was the solution). I said ‘Yes’ and God changed my mind that Friday evening.
My husband and I were considering divorce (after 10 years). My fingers were pointed toward him and everything he did to hurt ME. When Shaunti explained what the man’s core need is versus the women’s core need, I wanted to cry. I realized that much of what I said and did in the past trampled all over his core need. I saw for the first time that I was to blame for so much wrong in our marriage. I sat there listening to every word that came from Shaunti. I felt as though there were darts being thrown at me (all of which were bull’s eyes!).
I know that God sent me to this conference to hear what I heard. I know that my husband and I would have had so many more times of turmoil if I hadn’t gone to this seminar. God straightened me out in less than a weekend’s time! My husband and I have reconciled and are now willing to work on our relationship. Even though he doesn’t know the details of the seminar (because it’s top secret for women only!), he sees the difference in how I treat him as my husband and as “THE MAN.” I had some apologizing to do – which I didn’t feel I needed to do until my revelation at the women’s conference. Shaunti should be shouting this crucial “inside” information from the very mountain tops!!
I am so grateful to God that I have been enlightened and the cataracts have been removed from my eyes. I’ve shared my CDs of the seminar with some friends (married and single) and their lives have dramatically changed (for the better). One married friend purchased the book after hearing the CD and read it within one day then passed it on to another friend! It’s spreading like “wild fire”! I thank God for Shaunti Feldhahn – she allowed God to use her to save my marriage. To God be the glory!
A few weeks ago, I helped out at the Columbus, Ohio Promise Keepers event. A gentleman came over to talk to us. He started telling me about his wife and how their marriage was pretty much in separation stage—just living in the same house. She went online trying to find some direction and came across a list about ”What women need to know about men. She downloaded it, absorbed it, and went to buy the book. This man was playing cards with friends later on and his wife came in and said, “Can I get you guys anything?” They all about flipped out! When he asked her what motivated this unusual behavior from her she said she’d been reading and now understood that he needed to be head of the home; she was going to support him.
Later that night when he caught up with his wife she was sobbing on the front porch as she read this book. They both ended up reading it together out loud and then went to the store to buy the “other side of the coin (For Men Only).” They read that out loud together as well. Their marriage is doing super. She traveled with him to Promise Keepers just to support him — she stayed in the hotel during the sessions and read.
Anyway—when I asked if the author was Shaunti—he about jumped out of his skin….”Yes!” I said I knew you and the books were wonderful.
“The best relationship book I’ve ever read”: This book is dynamite. I am a licensed psychologist. I have been in the field for approximately 40 years. I wish everybody on the planet would read this book and do what it suggests. I saw it on display at the library and just picked it up on a whim.
-Nancy Van Zile, review of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages
Thank you both again for your time and sharing the weekend with us. I know for you both it is service and work combined but please know it was an absolute blessing to our church. The elder team called me just last night to express their joy about the event and said it was one of the best events in our church’s history!
-Jason Henderson, director of Marriage Ministry, Harpeth Community Church, Franklin, TN (regarding a talk on The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages)
Very helpful and easy to read: Age 58 male and came to the realization that I really missed my companionship with my wife and realized I did not know how to get it back. We grew apart and this book helped me realize how women think and gave me the tools of communication and understanding to open up a meaningful line of communication that has been very helpful for both of us.
-Robert Miller, review of For Men Only
I am a pastor’s wife and will be recommending this book to every woman I know! I am giving this book as a gift to some of my friends. It is wonderful! It has offered some wonderful insight that I have confirmed with my husband. It has allowed us some great conversations about our own marriage and encouraged me to be a better wife! I highly recommend For Women Only for every woman wanting to improve her relationship with her spouse and raising boys!
-anonymous, review of For Women Only
Dear Mrs. Feldhahn,
I was given your book For Women Only by my mother in law. I read it quickly and loved it! I learned a lot and it has made my marriage even better. However, the reason that I am sending this email is because once I was finished with the book I let my mom borrow it. She is on her third marriage, which was quickly going down the drain. She is a Christian woman but was raised in the middle of all the feminist movement nonsense and really let that affect her attitude toward marriage. Anyway, she is in the process of reading the book and she really gets it! She has started treating her husband with the respect and kindness he needs and deserves. They are both so much happier and I feel like their marriage will keep building and be okay.
I hate to take up your time with all the details so that is all I will share but just know that your book has affected my entire family all the way from my marriage, to my mom’s marriage, to how my mom treats my brother! I am eternally grateful that God gave you the knowledge to write this book.
I just wanted to let you know that our ladies retreat was last weekend. We are from a small country church of about 200 total. We had 27 ladies at our first annual retreat which was held in a couple’s home. They built the house with the purpose of ministry in mind. They are retirement age, have four foster “grandchildren” who live with them, and they open their house up weekly for small groups and Bible study. They have a recreation room with pool, air hockey, and workout equipment and have given the youth group a standing invitation to hang out there. The place was perfect for our retreat because it was “God’s house.”
Of the women who attended, one 21 year old woman accepted Christ. God answers prayers in mysterious ways. She not only found Christ, but she found a loving support system in her new Christian walk.
Lights of Tenth Street was recommended by my spiritual parents at the time I most needed inner healing. They knew that I had just gotten fired because of a secret pornography addiction I had fought for some time, and they felt that it would be good for my wife and me to read the book together. It was amazing. It was so good to see, though the book, that others were going through the same thing we were. It hit right on the money as far as the way a guy’s mind tracks.
In Lights of Tenth Street, I saw again the shame trap Satan tries to put men in. The minister in the book was preaching a sermon about the Pharisee, and it really spoke to my heart. I had grown up in the church and thought I knew Christ. But it wasn’t really until I had a personal, moral train wreck that I realized I really didn’t know Christ and how much I needed him.
Before that, I felt I could live the Christian life on my own. Now I realize it’s not possible. To a great extent, I was being the Pharisee. I had spent years looking at others, thinking I was accepting and loving to people trapped by sin. But the truth was I had no idea how to love or accept them until I went through the trap myself.
Through the book and some friends who love me, the healing is still going on. One of the traps Satan likes to put men in is, “You’re the only one going through this, and if anyone else found out, your life would fall down all around you.” This resonates with men because we already hate what we’re doing, and who we are. We think, “How in the world could you ever love me, God?” Satan says He doesn’t. But once this lie is exposed, God is able to come in and say, “You are valuable.”
I happen to be part of a church where the men rallied around me and ministered healing. They said, “Yes, what you did was terrible, but it doesn’t disqualify you from life, ministry, and a good marriage. There were several times where the men of the church even stood up for me with my wife. No space here . They’d say, “Look, you can’t kick this guy to the curb. He’s the same guy you married. You just happened to see some stains you didn’t realize were there.” Most women have no idea that every single man has to deal with this pornography trap portrayed in the book. And Satan lies to women as much as he lies to men. He says, “The men in your life are not affected by this.”
It’s a bunch of lies. It’s something every man has to conquer, and every woman should know this.
I thank God that He shed His light on my dark, hidden sin, and I’m especially grateful for books like “Lights of Tenth Street,” that show people like me the way to walk in truth, love, vulnerability, and accountability. I pray that God will turn what the enemy has meant for evil and set men – and women – free forever. – RP, 2006
This story was relayed to Shaunti by one of the mentors at a For Women Only event in Seattle, Washington
I just have to tell you what just happened! This morning I saw a woman walk in the door looking totally out of place; she was in sweats, no makeup, etc. and said she was supposed to be in an all-day CPR training class but it had just been cancelled so she was heading home and had just stopped by the church to drop something off. She walked in the door and saw all these women, and looked so confused I walked up to her and asked her if she needed something. She asked ‘What’s going on?’ I told her our church was having a women’s conference to learn about the inner lives of men. She said ‘Since I have the day free now, can I come?’ Initially, I told her that, unfortunately, we were entirely sold out. But since there ended up being a few no-shows, I cleared it with the organizers and fixed her up with a ticket.
As all the women were walking out, I saw her again in the lobby and went up to her and asked her what she thought. She looked totally shell-shocked. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘I have to tell you something. I was supposed to have a meeting with a divorce lawyer on Wednesday– to end my marriage. But I’m going to call the lawyer and cancel it.
The mentor told me that this woman had apparently had her eyes opened to all the things SHE needed to work on, and that their problems weren’t just her husband’s fault, and things really could change.